Book 1: The Heart by Maylis de Kerangal

The third book I finished in 2020 is The Heart by Maylis de Kerangal. I believe I picked this one up years ago from books that Bill Gates recommended. Coincidentally, BillG decided to step down from the board of Microsoft and Berkshire the day prior, to focus on his Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

The book, unlike most fiction I read, has the quality that touches your mind, heart, and soul. It is not exactly satisfying. It stays with you a while after you finished the book. I finished it in 2 days while on medical leave.

The Book Cover

The book was written in French, and translated by Sam Taylor to English. The story took place in 24 hours elapsed, exactly. From the celebration of life, for a 19-year-old boy who cares about surfing, and throughout the book his persona emerges, but not quite clear. The prose was well articulated, and defines everyone on the book in unique perspective, with a combination of description of things around the person, their thoughts, POV, but also description of universe. I guess I like this description the best from Priya Parmar's NY Times 2016 review of the book

The story unfolds in an intricate lacework of precise detail. Each character is introduced in particle form, and then the details compound until a wholeness is reached, a person takes shape and steps forward.

Goodreads link.

Negative test result

My phone rang and I disregarded it in the morning. Only later, after refreshed lunch with Papa and Mommy that I picked up and received the news of negative test result. By then my coworkers have been notified that I was tested, and news spread rapidly.

Only after I received affirmation that my voluntary self report was accepted, I sat back and comprehend the emotional roller coaster. "You must have been scared". Indeed I was paranoid, and scared and nervous. What if the test is negative and I might potentially infect my elderly Dad and Mom, and my numerous coworkers?

It is a relief to receive the confirmation of positivity I suspected all along. A huge burden lifted by sharing with everyone. Assuaging guilt and paranoia that has formed and forment in my mind. Confirmed by negative swab result, clear chest X-Ray, and finally recovering body from persistent cough, runny nose, and muscle pain.

Meanwhile however, I read news around the world about worsening situation. US just dropped Fed interest rates by 1 full percentage point. About obituary pages in Italian newspaper that is now 10-pages long instead of usual one and a-half pages. Disneyland closed only in the fourth times. And Singapore advising all citizens to defer all non-essentially travel for 30 days to, essentially, every where around the world. No place has been spared. No economy sector has been saved.

Day 3 of Self-Quarantine and Miss Americana

Here I am bored at home at day 3 of my medical leave, out of caution due to COVID-19. Watched Taylor Swift's documentary "Miss Americana". Seeing her as human, also as driven, hard-working, and humane as possible.

A NY Times review.

Jojo Rabbit is an interesting, entertaing, touching movie

One of advantage of long flights is certainly ability to enjoy endless movies list. Especially on Singapore Airlines which is showing a number of movies that I love to watch recently like Knives Out, Jojo Rabbit.

The young Jojo, played by actor Roman Griffin Davis is a precocious loyalist young Germans at the time of World War II. To watch him grew up while his family situation unravel along us is touching.

A cast of strong and familiar actors such as Scarlett Johansson as her live-loving mother, veteran Sam Rockwell as funky German Captain, and director Taika Waititi as Jojo's imaginary General friend kept us enthralled in the story telling. The young Elsa (Thomasin McKenzie) is fragile, scared and strong at the same time.

Valentine's Day

V-day is here with the "L" word arriving this year in the middle of novel coronavirus season, newly minted as COVID-19.

"I am good at synthesizing stuff. When the definition, though, of something that is different for every individual.... I got a bit tripped up. Like Love..."

Aggressive work problem

Tonight I just finished a critical conversation at work. With my new manager. 1 month in.

He opens the conversation saying that the mail I wrote was a waste of my time, and his time. The mail was very offensive to him. He repeated that must be more than 10 times in the 60 minutes conversation. He asked me to reflect on the mail. Again and again and again.

The problem was I wrote the mail very aggressively. I wrote what I feel, what triggered me. I wrote that maybe there is a trust issue. That (I assume) he is trying to make things "easy" for the team, meaning easy (to organize). He took offense with the word easy and that he is trying to control.

I think both he and I need a lesson in self awareness. And because he is the manager, I need to be the one taking a bigger pill. I feel I am entitled to my feeling. I am wrong to assume about trust. I am not wrong when it comes to control. His specific question was "Is this your trip or my trip?". I feel he is triggered in certain words. His command of language in Spanish is not very strong as well. He mentioned about his being 50 years old. So I think this has something to do with status. He started saying this will create a big problem and it will get worse, so it's better to resolve it early either by agreeing to work it out, or agree to depart. I agree with the sentiment.

I also realize about aggression. I want to read and study more about this. I am also insecure and I think had been heavily influenced by unresolved feeling over very poor experiences dealing with incoming leader. With a former manager who betrayed me. So I have issues with trust and insecurity. I am also overworking, not 100% in health, not resting well, working from home among the viral situation (Novel Coronavirus).

Meanwhile my manager is trying to drive many initiatives. He talks about energy many times. He is living on the suitcase. Driving everyone crazy. Trying to basically survive, like everyone else really.

So what have I learnt that I could grow from:

1. I have insecurity especially about trust, validation, and recognition
2. My blunt style can be seen as aggressive
3. I am entitled to feel and my feeling is valid
4. It is not great to act while emotional or where energy reserve is low
5. I need to learn more about dealing with problem less aggresively especially
6. I need to direct my attention to more positivity and 
7. My status as sole bread winner is something I care about deeply.
8. My assumption is not always right (of course) but there are possibly softer way of expressing them without disregarding my feeling.
9. I need to take care of myself first (rest, exercise, food) then care about quality of the work
10. I don't have to prove myself everyday
11. My manager is not always right. He also has his bias.
12. I can learn from this experience.
13. I do not regret asserting my feeling. Validate my feeling.
14. I do not mean to cause people to be upset or offensive. Validate my feeling.
15. I want to validate my feeling without being offensive. I cannot control people's reaction.
16. Email is a poor way to communicate. Not leave written trace of communication that people can catch you with.

Niseko and expensive taxi

Today I am feeling energized. After waking up looking horrible due to begadang adventure and day full of junk food, I was resolved to treat myself well today.

After a great breakfast at hotel, I travelled to Niseko area as planned.

I ate well for lunch, after walking in cold weather bracing the steep incline and Nisekoobashi bridge to visit a recommended seafood Kagra (yes this is the right spelling). It served beautiful seafood from the town of Suttsu, about 1 hour south Niseko, on an inlet.

It also had a small gallery that display the work of local photographer. I bought a small postcard as souvenir.

After this, I decided a walk was over. This is especially my thin shoes are not equipped for travel in snow. My socks were starting to get wet. I spent around 3680yen from the restaurant to Yukichichibu, a remote onsen that’s accessible only by car and famous for its mud bath. I spent 6800yen return to Kutchan station. Meanwhile I devoured an onsen egg, shell so lovely marbled by the sulphurous water. While waiting for the 18:32 train, I walked to a family-run restaurant Ramen Nakama that I realized was Michelin starred in 2012! It was famous for its plum salt chasyu ramen which I ordered and slurped hehe. Tummy full and warm, I wondered on the quiet main street talking pictures of some quaint coffee shop and snack shop Sweet Fujii as well as Coop supermarket next to the train.

This is the best day so far. I am grateful for:
1. Enjoying warm and hot onsen at Yukichichibu.
2. That I can afford expensive taxis now. Easily. Although my thrifty nature will only allow it once in a while.
3. Wonderful breakfast with sweet milk, delicious raw octopus.
4. Friendly waitress at restaurant who helped me with taxi.
5. Watching young children play.
6. Almost forgot and recovered my key.
7. Beautiful Niseko area with snow, onsen, corn, potato. Seems like Hokkaido has all my favorite food items, oh yeah, and sweets, and chocolate.

Appreciation of good bed and sleep

As I lay down on the cozy bed of ANA Crowne Plaza Chitose, the bed mattress is hard just the way I like it with super fine cotton bedsheet that feels so soft and cool to touch, and tempur pillow that is from the sleep menu, I sigh with the deepest appreciation of fine sleep apparatus.

It was 7pm and I had just concluded 48hrs period of sub-optimal sleep. After the Friday workday that is the day after MBUs with 2 areas and a prosecco-filled evening, I had a light morning with only 3 calls, and 1.5hrs of People discussion. I started sniffling. I went home trying to catch quick nap before my 5:20pm flight to Tokyo. And beighbour upstairs started drilling on and off.

I went straight to lounge post smooth check-in. Oh I witness the kind young man helped a harried passenger get on a flight with 5 minutes to spare. I praised the young gentleman, and also again in front of her “elder” he seemed humble but also pleased with himself, good chap. I only wished to encourage him but he volunteed to put my bag with a first class tag. Wow!

After a quick munch, headed to gate which has boarded. The plane turned out to be pretty old, no doubt well-maintained since it’s Singapore Airlines, but it groaned and croaked at the long taxi. A fine good looking gentleman was seated next to me. We didn’t converse but I guess our age gap must have made us looked a couple. After a meal (terrible tasting brown noodle...) I tried to sleep but caught maybe 3hrs.

Upon landing I collected my luggage and started to search for a place to park myself for a few hours. It was 1am and most of places I looked had been occupied, from the Arrival area, the Departure area from level 2, 4 and observation deck. Finally there were a couple tables in front of Yoshinoya and Mos burger that was occupied with chatty people. I settled in, ordered some food (expresso burger!). Few hours passed quickly, I went to queue and caught 4:45am first shuttle bus to domestic. Finally managed to check in at 5:20am. The domestic lounge had no food but just crackers and loads of alcohol and drinks. I drank some kale juice and tomato juice.

In the next waking hours, I dozed off at 1:30hours flight to Chitose, and some at train ride to Otaru and a quick nap after onsen at Yunohana. I was really tired after all of that. But I think the unhealthy food doesn’t help either at irregular hours. Worse I only ate potato chips at dinner so I woke up feeling bloated, dehydrated, and terrible the following day

Note to self: never ever eat junk anymore and never scrimp on quality sleep.

Grateful things:
1. Travelled in super cool Star Wars theme plane to Chitose.
2. Ate delicious panjyu, apple-cinnamon is my favorite.
3. Enjoyed romantic Otaru
4. Executed my plan of saving a night at airport
5. Sat next to good looking stranger on business class to Tokyo.
6. The last one sounds improper and uncharacteristic of me, so I am not going to delete it (hehe.)

Game Finale

Cinderella Phenomenon

Love the characters, the writing, and the endings.

Covering

At work, we learn about the concept of Covering recently. The company Q&A by Satya addressed the issue, followed by a short talk by Ann Johnson who leads the company's security sales strategy division. I listened and didn't have much reaction other than a dawning sense of awareness.

On and off I remembered the concept. Including this morning, when I had my private time. I realize that I've always been an emotional person. I teared up at any soft sentimental moments in movies. I teared up on Thursday when we had Values conversation and listened to my leader told a powerful story about what happened to him 27 years ago when he encountered an unforgettable moment.

Then I realized in situation when I reacted badly. Sometimes I have a lot of pent-up emotional reaction. Anger especially or moment of sadness. I reflected on why I do that. Often I thought it's because those moments of anger empower me. Give me drive. The hunger. The insecurity. I also read that if you only reacts when you've been hurt, and you need to be moved to moment of righteousness to defend yourself/others, or simply need that moment of justification, you are not validating yourself. That means I have to put myself in moment of being defensive to be moved to action. That can't be right. I am normally not that passive. But why do I keep so much inside, and sometimes be petrified to the action.

I realize, perhaps, I am covering. I always want to look strong. Afraid my soft side will show. Afraid that emotional is not professional. Afraid of shedding tears in office. Coming out can be very liberating. I also thought about many homosexual people who had to live their lives afraid, and how coming out to them has always been a moment of liberation. I think now I understand a bit better how that feels. How opressing it can be to be hiding some part of you. How those can lead to pent up emotion. How you might react badly due to those luggage. Why coming out means you can leave your authentic self and be so much more powerful and show up yourselfs.

I then think about why I'm covering. Success is very important for me. It gives me a sense of purpose. Sense of purpose is very important to me and to everyone. Just this week's offsite where our leader gives everyone sense of purpose. Super powerful. How he looks at everyone and pick the best moments and strength, encourage that, and show what's the most important. I think that's a great role model to emulate. I recalled the chapter of the book Grit that I read this morning. About wise parenting, that parents in loving and tough family yield the best environment to raise a child. About knowing the best for the child, be supportive, and sets the bar and standard. But also at the end of the day, the child has the choice. In corporate setting, it seems similar playbook to build high performing team. And I guess the people who are not cutting it, nor want to aspire to that level of standard would then qualify themselves out. That's interesting.

Anyway, a lot of what I do this week is going inside. Inside my mind and inside my heart. To open my mind and my heart. Write these feelings down. Explore them. And Let go.

Learn how to forgive

In my course of building resilience, I am reminded that sometimes a good way to release the anxiety is learning to forgive. The steps are : 1) Write down your feelings, 2) Release your feelings, 3) Meditate, and 4) Talk to someone.

As I step into a year, exactly, a year since the point of departure. I have frequently reflect on that moment of pain. When I feel entitled and I want to uphold my own value of integrity, but feeling like a victim. When I receive a gift that I didn't want, I rejected that as I was in the moment of anger, and grief, unexpressed. I often reflect back and blame myself for doing certain things. But I wish I can forgive myself more than being rigid. Even today, I regret of hurting other's feeling and not recognizing that my action might have pushed others away. I was hurt, lonely, hungry, and sad.

When a normal human being was subjected to that feeling of hurt combined with loneliness, the sadness overwhelmed, and coupled with feeling of anger and helplessness, it is normal to be not at my best behavior. I now recognize that it is normal. I am a human. And I am more importantly, normal human being.

I want to be with people who can accept me for who I am. When I am normal, at my best, and when I am not at my best.

Visiting Lisa

I am in Seoul right now Thursday thru Monday (tomorrow).

I am glad having friends who cared about me, and send me some encouraging messages.
Glad about considerate friends who take care of each other when we travel, looking out, sharing discounts, talking about news, and a lot to learn from.
I am glad to be meeting Lisa, was worried about her, and wanting to make sure I can support her but don’t know how yet. Glad to see she is spending more time with her life, her health, and her happiness.

Reflection from my Work Fiscal Year 2019

In the last few days, I have just overcame a haze. I received a standard expectation for my level. I feel this was unjust and unfair. I think of the past year, where I devoted significant amount of work and energy and received average rewards.

I just off the conversation with my ex-manager. He pushed me out from my role and played important role in evaluating my reward even though he was my manager only from end February until end June. A couple of things that he mentioned that are opportunities to exceed:

1. Identify a big bet and drive them through
2. Connect with people around the world about best practices, and bring them to Asia
3. Opportunity to show impact
4. Be sensitive about people's expectation, and how it shows up. For people far away, them not being your advocate can hurt you.

People are people and they have expectations and style that are so different from who you are. I am saddened to think that style can hurt your chances and ability to succeed. My conclusion is that People is People.

20th Anniversary of Singapore-MIT Alliance

Yesterday I attended Singapore-MIT Alliance reunion which is also the 20th Anniversary of the program.
I had opportunities to share my experiences and shared about great friends, being in formative years of early adulthood, and learning to be leaders by pushing the boundaries.

I am grateful to be meeting old friends, spend time sharing my experiences, and for having the privilege to be part of SMA.

Practicing Gratitude

3 Things to be grateful for today:

• I got to spend a week with my nieces, Ashley is 7 and Beverly is 3 this year.
• I got a promo earlier than expected.
• I have nice conversation with people around me who supported me.
• Am entering weekend with free time.

3 Things to be Happy about

1. I defended myself from perceived slight, and feeling guilty afterwards. Meaning, I have conscience, and I am brave.
2. My brother and family are coming to visit and play in Singapore later this week.
3. I got the promotion that I wanted and fought for, this year, ahead of schedule.
4. I cooked two new dishes, Thai green curry and Transparent noodle salad for my family today.

Yay!

A new energy

I came back from holiday with family, recharged and happy. For the first time in my life, I feel blissful, at peace, and in the moment. Felt like the daily meditation helps me regain my sense of balance and contentment. I do not have extra things really, no new relationship, no happy encounter, just spend 2 weeks travelling with family and "in the moment".

I am not purposeful. I do not know where I am going, or if I am going somewhere. I suppose the small secret in life is to know there is no journey with a starting end and the ending point. Maybe life is a jumble of walks that go around and return to the original path. I don't know.

But I do know that I want to create. I want to give birth to new ideas, new facts, new being, something. It gives life meaning when we give.

When we travelled, we received the news about the passing of my cousin, Jensen. On the day of my birthday morning. I felt sad, sad for a life seems so short, that everything can happen and end in an instant. Of him, of his family, and of his parents. But also a sense of peace: he was in pain during the course of cancer, and in a way there is relief in the end.

It rolls a seed of thought, that human can strive, can fight, can will strongly. At the end of the day, there is fate and there is life. there is so many things outside of humane control.

I got a call yesterday, the first day of coming back to office. That is after another call, when I heard agitated sound and voices and feel I could not care more than it deserves. But that call I took it calmly and took it slowly. That call makes me realize a gratefulness of other people who doesn't seem to want some recognition, or doesn't demand it. Or maybe it is too early to think well and good and raise expectation again, I want to be kind and I want to think there is more kindness in this world.

3 grateful things today

1. Enjoying a bright blue sky day at Split, Croatia.
2. Meditating a realizing the reason why I hung on to relationship that is long over: because of my fierce loyalty and my fear of losing my “last hope” to have a family.
3. Opportunity to reflect on Ivan Maestrovic’s villa and museum at Meje, Split.
4. Loving the architecture of Old Town Split, the Diocletian Palace, Riva, the food at Konobs Hvarnin and Artichok, shopping at Green Market, museums, Nandroni Trg, bakeries and supermarkets. 
5. Explore freely the Klis Fortress, the view is fantastic and the only place where you can freely climb the walls, crumbling stone steps, the old church at the top, and the stone fortication that you can see the steep stone bluffs.

Fate

When I was young I had a mole at the corner of my eyes. Those naysayer said that means I shall often cry and live a fate in my life that leads to misery, tears, and hardship.


This morning I looked at myself a bit closer than I normally have... Probably closer than I had in the past 6 months due to life and work. I saw no mole on my eyelid anymore.


I wonder what those naysayer would say now.


I sometimes found myself believe in those signs. I sometimes found myself reading astronomy of the week column on magazine. I sometimes do that because it sometimes is comforting to grab those certainties to divine my day ahead amidst the life.


But today, I start to believe fate is in your hands. Grab everyday like it has the potential to make a better version of you. Grab it like a fresh new day, everyday. Everyday is a day of opportunities and potential, for what is going to happen today is decided today. Not before. Not by the column in newspaper. Not by the arrangement of the stars. Not by the mole that you are born with.

February reflections

It was Valentine's Day yesterday. I had a bout of melancholy deep at night. Remembering what I did last year. This year, the day started with pretty bad mood. I wonder if this has anything to do with the Valentine's Day. I started with 730am call after 6 hours of sleep. Physically tired from the streak of exercise due to February Heart month (those compelling Apple Watch badges!!!).

Why can't I forget? Why do I want to forget...? It is still bringing tears to my eyes and wrenching my heart. More because I miss the feeling and company. But do I love the person or do I love the persona my mind and heart has created for the person.

What should I do? How do I get rid of this pain? Should I get rid of this pain?

My thinking time

I love, I love, I love. Despite.

Today while I swim, I think. My mind wander as usual. Normally it goes to my heart and soul, or what is important at that time. I love and can't forget. My love is resilient. Understanding and forgiving. But I cannot love more than I love myself. As I will resent if I become smaller or lesser than who I am.

So today is acceptance. And I resolve to work on area of my life.

My exercise journey

I have never been a fit child when I was young. When I thought of dismissing the idea of me liking physical education, I fall back to stereotype that any "smart" kid will likely have weakness and weakness is often a weak fragile body. Well, I am only an average person. which means if I want be fit and strong I need to train.

In my twenties, I discovered yoga, yoga and pilates and started joining the courses of yoga and improved my posture. I discovered I could train my body and withstand the poses from yoga, starting from gentle yoga, progressing to hatha, and asthanga. It is generally easier to go to class regularly, although I have proven that you can cycle through classes and you don't have to stick to a practice. That might have taken a longer route with my method, but I found something that work for me. I found that building classes progressively, you have to work it out for every class. That means stretch and find that pain in the poses, and rest throughout the week. Your body will indeed respond and become progressively limber and fitter.

Yoga works to improve flexibility, which means you will often improve your range of movement as your yoga practice progress. I also found pilates. Pilates is the class you take if you want to exercise your core and you become stronger through pilates practice and have a beautiful abs.

I also learnt how to swim in my twenties. Then I started swimming regularly in early thirties, especially breaststroke. I have naturally small hip compared to the rest of my body, (it's apple body type - voluptous but with slimmer hip). Swimming once a week 20 laps, helped me achieve more proportional body shape. My chin is slimmer and my hip wider, so as a result my body is now even much more proportional. Of course if you swim regularly, here is a couple of tips.

1. Swim outdoor if you can
Swimming indoor means better protection from sun, winds, and rain. You can always swim regardless of weather. That means no excuse to skip too. However, indoor pool is often saturated with chlorine which is harsh to your body and hair. Chemical from outdoor swimming pool has the chance to evaporate and oxidise with natural sun light. Plus, if you swim in the sea it is natural.

2. SPF protection is important
Protect your skin regardless of whether you swim in sea or in the pool. Always wear waterproof Sun Protection skin. For beach and outdoor sport, SPF 50 is the minimum recommended factor. Appy and reapply often and with enough coverage.

3. Shower or rinse before swimming
If you saturate your hair and skin with fresh water, your body has less chance of absorbing the chlorine water.

4. Wear swim cap
Protect your hair from regular soak of pool water. It is more hygiene too. Your hair might become brittle and dry from regular exposure to chlorine. You can apply oil or chlorine naturalizer too to help protect your hair underneath the cap.

5. Shower immediately after swim
Wash your face, body, and hair. Rinse with fresh water including your suit and googles. If your swim suit and googles can be damaged easily from regular use in the water, imagine the damage to your hair.

Gratitude journal

3 things I am grateful for:
1. Meeting with partner Avanade and Accenture went very productive.
2. Discussion with the other hiring manager was very productive and result in a good plan for hiring.
3. My team is filled, my best candidate accepted.
4. Good 1:1 conversations with my directs, peers, and my manager and skip.
5. Good conversations with my HR partners. Get to know new people.
6. Come out of my shell to confront my fear and feel relieved of my burden of fearing to hurt other people’s feeling. Those are precious to me. And I am taking care of myself.
7. Stop withdrawing and found the courage to write a reply note thanking people to be in my life in 2018.
8. Thankful that this has been a super wonderful and productive week.

Relationship Advice

Listening podcast, of Relationship Advice with guest speaker Dr Alexandra Solomon.

A great place to start is to examine our own experiences and original childhood and examine what affects us, what we bring to the table for the relationship, and what we want to carry forward. Tip to start is to see during our childhood how do our original family how I handle conflict and how I handle closeness. Relationship is about feel good and getting along, but also about conflict and those closeness.

Sometimes our wound and our partner's wound overlap. We are often attracted to the partner who challenges us in that very heart of our wound - the relationship is like the dance, navigating the dance.

The best thing is to stay curious and learnt about our partner, our partner see the view, and stay curious to see and proactively understand how partner react to the situation. Sometimes when tough times, we just want things to change so the pain goes away. To uncover it, having a partner willing to ask and be curious help, but couples' therapy is very useful. Dose of couple therapy is useful to better understand our pattern and how we deal with each other - recommended when we decide to live together, when we got married, when we have first baby, when the kid starts elementary school, when we raise teenagers, etc. Being married is a dynamic thing, expectations change circumstances change.

When do we walk away? When we have partner who is not willing to work on the relationship and work through the issues. Love humbles people.

Keep the gratitude journal.
Advice to newlyweds: gratitude to our partner, love to have you in my life, everyday.

It's over

You can judge someone's worth by the way they treat other people who is of no use to them.

I am appointed acting leader to stand in the stead of my manager who was leaving the organization with very short notice. I had the greatest regard and affection to him, and I stepped up to lead the team mainly because of that. And mainly because I want to be taking care of the team.

He treated me well as his subordinate although he has his own agenda, and it took me a while. A long while, to really get over and accept the fact of his departure. This morning I woke up with clarity and with reason of why I can't forgive him yet, or accept the fact that I am blue and sad due to this reason. In the week of transitioning him out of the organization.

1. He insisted "I am going" when I was exploring whether he could delay his departure for a week as the week when he was out was the week I am to undergo my medical operations - and I was thinking about the team and transition.
2. He pushed back to my ask of one help to take care of my package which is the cause of my biggest dissatisfaction and even said I pushed him to the corner.
3. He went behind my back and offered no apology other than the lame excuse that he thought  he copied me in the email. I had to wake up at 4am and handled the crisis when I received the escalation from the President of Asia.
4. During the time when I went into business review call that I got pulled into, he went and met with the global head of customer success team without informing me.
5. When I tried to buy him farewell lunch, he said okay but then delayed that because he needed to run his own errand.

Despite of all of that, I worked with the team to prepare his farewell, said positive things in front and behind him, because I am who I am. I am not going to treat people and do disservice to my own integrity. But sometimes I wonder if I am being foolish or naive for still being loyal and steadfast. I guess I am because I want to take care of myself first and not let other people treat me less than who I am. When I ended our transition meeting early, and dismissed it at 2pm I tried to regain my dignity back. Felt a little guilt, but I needed to stand up for myself.

Happiness Project

I am inspired this morning by Gretchen Rubin's post 30 Tips I Use to Make Myself Happier, Right now.

My 30 Tips:

1. View the photos of my niece, Ashley and Beverley
2. Do 10 minutes mindfulness exercise
3. Go for a swim
4. Go for a walk by the Marina Bay
5. Open my financial planning and check my balances
6. Write my diary
7. Go to bed and sleep 10 hours, things always feel better in the morning
8. Go for a cardio - treadmill run, outdoor, body balance, or gentle yoga
9. Smell something good 
10. Eat delicious food with wonderful wine
11. Read some of my poetry collection that Edrina sent me
12. Go hiking
13. Make myself a hot caffeine-free tea
14. Allow myself time to do something totally useless like playing clicker game
15. Make plan for the future: plan a trip, plan a brunch with friend, checkout an investment
16. Reminisce about my happy moments, my area of refuge. When Handy got married. When mom and dad accompany me to Sydney for my surgery. When we took a family holiday to Maldives. When we saw the majestic Manta-ray. When I attended bizapp party in bright blue dress at Bellagio.

Acceptance

At some point, I look back at the fork of life while still facing the path forward. And lament. And want to change.


You can't force people to love you. That is a fact.
You can ask and demand, and face rejection. That is a fact.
You can be given things - all things possible - and that is not enough. That is a fact.
The final thing to do after realization is to accept. Realize what is within my control and what is not. And do what is in my control. That is a fact.
There is a sense of peace, serenity, tinged with a touch of sadness. So painful. So clear. So true.
Goodbye, love.

Learning about my language

Recently I felt a big loss. The loss of connection to one of my most cherished relationship in my life. The loss I felt was profound. But I had a task to overcome it so I have been focused to sort out that area of my life while knowingly ignoring my felling of coping with this loss, hoping time would heal.
Ever since I started, or I should say restarted my mindfulness exercise, I become aware of my present being. My feeling, my unconscious state of being. Those that sometimes stayed buried until moments of stress or anger uncover it as angry bursts of frustrations.

I don't know how people who appear to be emotionally stable cope with that. Why they can seemingly operate without emotion while dealing with so much stress in their life. Their high-stress position. Relationship with others. Relationship with spouse. Dealing with children. Etc. I suppose that's life is about.

Back to my life. After my procedure and while taking a break from work, so bereft of the two source of energy and focus in my life. I woke up these few days in state of sadness. Unbearable sadness. ... I realize perhaps the feeling of sadness and loss is still within me. Even though it's technically already over a month. Even though I tried to charge along. I alternative between getting rid of pain, or succumb to the feeling it and letting all my feelings go all out. Letting go. Making sure I acknowledge every single little feeling in my heart. My emotion richness.

I suppose that's healthy. I hope that's healthy. I alternatively uncover and reflect and remember. Remember the happy moments. Remember the sad moments. Remember what I am owed. Remember my indignant anger. remembering the sweet feeling when things go well. Remembering stuff. AS it trying to carve it into my memory. As it trying to let it all out and to start forgetting. Trying to count my apologies owed. Trying to count reason to move the next step forward.

I suppose what is the point of all of this. That is healthy as a start to try to seek apology. Or that apology i think is healthy for both party. If I don't get apology for the wrong, I can't begin to start forgiving. And the other party apologizes to start removing the guilt. IF that's what they feel at all. If he cares enough or even know how much hurt that stabs me deep inside. I don't know exactly why he did the way he did. Only that doing so robs me of my opportunities and position that I was entrusted to help him. And yet this is the treatment that I got. but there is no appreciation that I got only this treatment as if I am entrusted with opportunities. Which I do not ask for. So, why does this bother me so much. Because I care too much on how I am treated by the other party. No appreciation and being given opportunities. So that's where the disconnect is. maybe its the difference of me seeing the words of affirmation and acts of service rather than gifts.

Positive mindset

This morning at breakfast, I saw whatsapp messages that made me sad again. My team prepared farewell gift to Simon and there were postings about him receiving the gift and at display at his home.
I was disturbed throughout the day. Did not bother analyzing why but tried very hard to acknowledge the feeling and try to be detached by it. It is hard. Easier said than done. Took mom exploring Hyde Park after meeting chatty waiter from Indonesia at Sheraton breakfast. Went to explore ANZAC memorial and traverse along Park street to take photos at Australian museum and St Mary’s Cathedral. Then rushed back to hotel for a bio break and ended up at level 21 Club lounge. Post resting we tooknoff to Intercontinental Double Bay, a classy hotel at suburb. Crowds were gathering as we realize it’s the day of Melbourne Cup, the race that stops the nation. Cross Counter a dark horse won. We walked around neighbourhood and bought our lunch at Coles. Then checked in, after my shot at 5:07 we took off around 6:30 for a beach stroll at nearby sand strip. A beautiful and quiet stroll that took my mind away from sadness and melancoly. I know it is ok to have feelings. I know this is a move towards better. Just sometimes it is hard. Hard to have courage to change things that I can and ought to change. Serenity to accept things that I can’t change. And wisdom to know the difference.

What’s positive today:
Reading. Be wiser and be reminded.
That I have mom right by my side.
That nature, sun, sand and sea is so beautiful and everlasting.

Sydney

In Sydney today for the weekend. Weather is cool, chilly in fact if you are expecting a hot summer. Royal Botanical garden sprinkled with couples, families, tourists. Sydney Opera House still majestically simple. Opera bar full of people and sexy young ladies enjoying the sun and champagne. Circular Quay, just busy.

I am wondering around still in my haze. Haze of heartbrokeness and negotiation. Just enjoy the moment, I tell myself. I am lucky I am alive. Am lucky for this lucky break that this step happens. That this too shall pass. This feeling. Am lucky I am in Sydney today with my mom enjoying a beautiful Sunday in Sydney.

Appreciation of all good things

We can plan and reflect. I am overwhelmed by blessings and my good fortune. Sometimes when things feel uphill, sleep over it, and things look better in the morning.

My lucky feeling comes to this realization as I commenced my treatment for fertility preservation. Anxiously, I have been researching and been reading many articles to learn and research. Been monitoring  my cycle for close to a year now. While I was pining for my cycle to start so that I can the treatment underway, I came to realize that I have been so lucky. Lucky that all my blood test turned out to be well. I am at the top of my health. My ovarian reserve, measured by AMH, is in the good range. And my hormone test FSH, LH, E2, P4 has turned out well.

Things turned out to be positive : Having a supportive family, who came through with me thick and thin. Mom and Dad just came back from their China holiday when I notified them that I needed to apply for Australian visa to come to Sydney with me. They supported without hesitation (after a few questions- yes, understandable). They bear with me through my mood swing along with PMS as I waited anxiously for my cycle and fought work-related stress. Having such fabulous colleagues whom reminded me to stay strong, try to do the right things - which are not always easy, and gave me courage to listen to my heart and soul. Having close friends who celebrated my success and be with me to drink and celebrate hard work and grit.

I am very fortunate to have good people around me in my family, my extended family, and people who know me personally. By no means everyone is good... I deal with jealousy, immaturity, and personal attack all the time. But, I can only see upside when I stay focused on my own reaction and things that I can control. Thank God for that.

Heartpain and sadness

Only time will heal wounds. But why my heart still hopes. My heart sometimes replies and my head corrects. I should be relieved this happens and I can move on with my life.

Feeling and hurt comes after deepest care. But what is illusion and what's infatuation. My young heart still feels the sorrow of departure. My head however insists. Good bye. Good bye.

Poverty and Girls

One of my most profound memory when I was in Cambodia, was at a lunch. A lunch at a simple roadside stall near one of the temple in Angkor Wat complex. A little girl, probably around 8 years old, approached our table to sell various knickknack and souvenirs. We had no need of those, but the girl obviously had nothing else to do so she lingers near our table, circling and at times, playing around the bushes surrounding the stall.

I was curious that she does not attend school. It was past noon time, and a girl at productive age should be attending school. So mom felt sorry for the girl so she gifted her with a collection of pens and pencils that could help her rather than money that she would deposit back to her supplier. The girl was very delighted when receiving the gift. Such a simple and pure innocent look. She bounced around and ran away with her gift.

A while later, she reappeared with the pencils missing, and a bag of sugary drink appeared in her hand that she happily sipped. We were bewildered. Did she exchange her pencils with sugary drink? If so, is this not a poor decision for the small girl. Who protects her from those? Why would adults around her allow that to happen. Worse, how are adults around exploiting small children like these rather than providing children to education and items to promote their livelihood and improve the chance of life.

Twenties

What choices did you make in your twenties that most impact your life today?

At 22 I chose to pursue my Masters degree in Computer Science. That got me out of a small consultancy company, taught me the lesson of negotiation and unfairness in life, and got me some of the best friends in life. Most importantly it launched me on the path today.

At 27 I chose to be frank about my life's direction and chose to be vocal about my rights after working as contractors for 4 year's in capacity. I earned a lot of respect and admiration for standing up for myself.

Thoughout my twenties, I studied hard, worked hard, and spent very little. Avoided partying, clubbing, drugs, and time-wasting. I earned properties in Singapore and Jakarta by the time I was 30.

I studied Computer Engineering, Computer Science, Programming, Choir-singing, Japanese language throughout my twenties.

I learnt biking, swimming, driving, running, and scuba-diving in my twenties.

My learning #First Week

After receiving news about my manager's shocking departure, I am appointed as the acting lead. I am now officially 48 hours in the acting role. What have I learnt.

That people's trust can go as far as what they need. There is no blind trust in people.
At times of adversity, you learn who your true friends are.
People who matter do not make you cry. And people who make you cry do not matter.
It is important to understand your limit and not overextended yourself.

Pain, Memories, and Learnings

Loss and thought of loss can be as painful as loss experience itself. I want to remember as human's memory is such a fickle thing.

I like feeling I am growing around you.
I respect the way you look for feedback after presentations. Like when we are in F5 partners in Auckland and we presented the strategy for the new year.
I like the way our eyes meet when certain issues or appreciation come up in discussion unplannedly.
I like our mind is the same when I saw you raised issues and shrugged when I look over.
I feel appreciated when someone looked at me at the business class cabin on long flight.
I like the rides to see customers and music over rock playing on the car radio.
I am honored by the way you defended me when I did something silly at LT dinner in Hochiminh.
I am feeling protected when you scolded people with lower EQ over wardrobe dysfunction.
I am feeling sad when you are worried when I had allergic attack. And I felt silly and light-headed for wearing ninja facemask in front of your presentation to Japan LT.
I noticed the way you worry about my physical condition at Orlando LT dinner over jetlag.
I feel valued when you do not hesitate when I need to cut the trip short back to Singapore skipping Melbourne.
I appreciate being able to advice you to take better care of your self through more regular exercises.
I think the presentation at Business Central Bangkok resonated well and I told you when you finished presentation.
I admired that you feel my loneliness in India when I was not invited to team drinks at Gurgaon.
I feel the trip is more worthwhile when we have moments such as laughing racing through Changi terminal.
I am so touched when you looked me concernedly when I lost my laptop in Beijing flight.
Or when I lost my laptop in Malaysia after customer meeting in that Angry Bird room.
At the late night flight over from HK to Beijing you nudged apologetically over the call with Australia I feel touched.
Or when you gave me option to fly back when I was stuck in Narita for more than 24 hours after snowstorm, I feel relieved and supported.
Or when you encouraged me to be on video for China launch video recording when you were the star, I was secretly happy and embarrassed at the same time.
When we laugh about windshield googles in a car stuck in traffic in India.
I feel the need to ask and action when you prompted what I am saving for about my dream vacation in Hawaii and Botswana and Maldives.
You gave me opportunity to present at all Hands to elevate my presence.
Encouraged me to talk in front of partners meetings in Japan, Las Vegas, Taiwan.
When you shared that you feeling bad about being viewed older and I related to that as that's what I was feeling 10 years ago inside, and I want to assure you the focus is keeping yourself happy.
When you proudly showed your family especially the young one in his cuteness, I know as busy executive there are people who still keep family as important thing.
I appreciate the fun with colleagues like in Giraffe in Auckland amidst the soft light and late night calls.
I wanted to console when asking whether you are sure to skip the opportunity to meetup with your parents in Melbourne given the work schedule, oh what sacrifices.
Or at long and tiring day with partners, team, leadership, coaching experiences, from early morning to late night dinner with intense business discussions, parting at the lift to get a restful night.
When we planned for Bangkok offsite, the team was scattered and in beginning phase of healing and coming together again. At Ho Chi Minh, the team was coming together through rain-soaked adventure through LT huddle, Ho Chi Minh city, and Star Wars night.
I feel like a team when we won award together and I was speechless by people's recognition.
At Kuala Lumpur, team was expanded stronger, and we get together in team shirt and loud drumbeat. I am emboldened and humbled by our team's journey.
I feel so painful to hear your almost fatal experience at deepwater in Miami coast.
I hope you are able to stay true most of the time to your journey to wellness.
I appreciate also how hard you find it around people's discussion and part of me understood that very well and appreciate how relieved you are in some discussions when it turned out well for people.
I feel gratified that skeptic people are now starting to see lights of your brand of leadership in such a short time, and I am truly grateful to have been part of bringing that to reality.
I feel so proud when I meet people who were in events you presented and they told me how good you were.
And I have many more moments like this that my mind kept in.... perhaps.

Thank you for memories and for teaching me how to be more gracious and better personal leader.
I am sad as I so enjoyed working with you, boss, and I will miss times together create memorable moments like these, beyond the grind of tiring and demanding daily work. The last year has been one of my favorite year ever in my life and I want to feel positive that the best is yet to come (after I overcome my sense of bearing at this sense of true loss). We are both alive after all and expect will do very well in our respective career or life quest we set our mind to do, and for that is truly one gracious and meaningful fact of life's journey.

I have learnt to rely so much on your strength and that's because there are moments when I feel scared and not as strong as I appear to be, and those borrowed strength felt like a lifeline to me. I will do what I can to ensure I support you towards your next chapter of this career step that seems to make you happier and empowered and free. Including taking steps to take away the guilt of leaving the team behind and impact to the morale.

I wish you well. I wish you lots of blessings, joy, excitement to decorate your days. I wish you lots of strength, grace, and courage. Mostly I wish you happiness. Wish me the same.

Personal Growth

I am kept awake all night because of upheaval of emotion that is surging through my mind and heart right now. However, reflecting on my past year experience, it has been a year of tremendous professional and personal growth. Through pain, tears, and sweats I feel a bit burned out, and ready to take a break actually. But with the recent feeling, I feel the need to channel this energy and restlessness to something productive. This is an excellent article by Ben Casnocha, about the time he spent supporting Reid Hoffman as his Chief of Staff. I copied here for learning purposes but what an insightful article.

http://casnocha.com/reid-hoffman-lessons by Ben Casnocha
 

Relationship Advice

• Find a little perspective: Focus on why you fell in love with your partner and what you want your life to become like together. Even better, tell your partner this without any expectations of them doing the same.
• Start to repair the damage: Apologize for your part in any misunderstanding. Don't defend why you did or didn't do this or that. Offer a simple, heartfelt apology without expecting one from them. This seriously can work wonders.
• Be brave enough to go first: Be willing to apologize to your partner first instead of waiting for them to make the first move.
• Stop waging war: Stop doing anything that's causing harm to your partner or injures your feeling of connection. This might simply mean showing a little more patience, compassion and kindness.

The happiness and success of any relationship is reflected in the little things you do (and fail to do) for each other. Don't let your relationship fall apart like so many couples do. Today, make a fresh start. Choose to do something that moves you out of the past and imagines a brighter future together.

Taken from article here Credit.

You are not such a big deal

This is the concept I learnt that changed my life. Whenever I encounter difficulties, or shy away from attempting something because I am too "introverted", or "my life is difficult because no one understands me", or "I cannot be successful in finding relationship because I am intimidating, successful, speak well, travel too much, etc", this is the dogma that I kept repeating in my head.

It helps.

It helps to break away from the box sometimes I found myself in. Or feeling sorry for myself. Or from being afraid to dance to the tune of life. The Oprah book What I know for sure that I have been reading has been good and affirmative as well. You don't need men to be happy or to validate yourself. First love yourself. And the greatest love you can give yourself is experience life in the fullest. Not afraid of failure. Just try. Experience. Live. And push the envelope while you fail or succeed. But the key is to live the live rather than focusing on the outcome.

I also tried to fix my relationship problem. By reading about new skills. About validating ourselves. That's the key message of the book I hear You, by Michael Sorensen. I am trying to practice that.

Finally I am learning new habit. Forming new ones, thru 5 Seconds rule.

Links to these wonderful books:

• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson
• What I Know For Sure by Oprah Winfrey
• I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships by Michael S. Sorensen
• The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage by Mel Robbins
• The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever by Michael Bungay Stanier

This Weekend

Is mom's birthday. We will be going out to celebrate with Sunday brunch buffet at TripleThree, one of the best international buffet in Singapore. I am relatively strung this week, with offsite coming up next week, missing our Saturday's night date, and with my boss' birthday on Monday.

I have also been reading copiously - alternatively between I hear You by Michael Sorensen, What I know for sure by Oprah Winfrey, and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman. Went for swim yesterday and woke up energized whole day because of that.

On Tuesday, met up with Eunice who is a dear old friend. She is moving roles, and will take approx 1 month break from work and spending sometime with her hubby in Tianjin. She looks young and happy! I am feeling that she is relieved from getting out of current role, and the fact that hospitalization due to recent health scare is over.

Also I was "duped" into attending Henry's family day at Rolls Royce. We went to their manufacturing tour, which is cool!

What I am grateful for today August 25, 2018 at 7am

• I am grateful for my family,
• The feeling of jazz music flowing softly through my living room at 7am Saturday morning
• I am grateful to be with and observe how my boss work those calls - tough with work - and with our apac stu and apac ssm
• Grateful that my team admin Rohaini and everyone is working towards making the offsite successful, yesterday
• Grateful that I am feeling special to be able to make someone blush and shy and for being able to give my time to support and be there, yesterday
• Grateful to be alive and life is still rolling
• Grateful to be watching an episode of grace and frankie - about touching wedding of robert and sol and the question about making wish.

New Fiscal Year 2019

Today is the start of new fiscal year. Looking back FY18 had been a year full of work, learnings, relationship, and making a new self. Lots have happened since I wrote back in April after my Maldives holiday.

Most recently, I had frank conversation about my insecurities, my sensitivity to reactions, overthinking about responses of people, and my intolerance to incompetence. I cried multiple times during bouts of depression and sadness and I know yet a decision to be made in terms of what I want to do moving forward.

But, it is nice to pause and reflect and celebrate. For another year of well done work and tireless work of building foundation. Creating something special out of nothing. Creating a sense of belonging and team, and environment where people can be happy, productive, and perform.

I spent overnight reading Quora, check my finances, looking for investment options. Trying to enrich myself spiritually, and emotionally. Letting my thinking and rational process free for a moment. I love the feeling of letting go and letting down hair for a moment. So looking forward for my holiday in Los Angeles with my parents before heading to Ready in Las Vegas.

Holiday in Maldives

Wow, Maldives is really beautiful. The chain of atoll looks like emerald encircling blue-green water. So clear water and natural white sandy beach. Clear air that you can count stars and bright moon appear pure and serene. Bliss. Sun sea sand and coconuts make this paradise. After 10-day holiday it is amazing how much nothing-planned turned out to be full of delights and surprise.

First view at the sea in front of airport terminal

Day 0, Friday I had full day of work then went home at 6. Started count down at 4 while lunching with KS. Uneventful SQ flight, almost full. Arrived and met mom dad Henry whose Scoot flight was delayed by more than an hour. Waited another hour for our local guide to guide us to a comfortable SUV over 10mins ride to Hulmale. Our guest house is modest with haphazard service, we were allocated 202 and 302 on different floors. Feel asleep at 12am local time.


Day 1, Saturday arrived at Royal Island and spa. We took local domestic flight and was asked to standby at airport from 930 for 1115flight which was delayed by an hour.

Propeller plane ATR-72 used on the domestic flight

The flight itself is only 20mins and we flew low on propeller plane over rings of atoll atop Maldives archipelago.

Arrived and was ushered to a van towards local jetty. Was served coconut water decorated with a pink hibiscus. Went to Jetty at back and tried snorkelling. However, since it's the first day I was apprehensive and holding on to the rail to attempt to float without a life jacket.

Clear water and sea

Day 2 Sunday, Sunrise view relax by the pool in a group of 3-lounge chairs.

Sunrise on the Earth day 22 Apr 2018

Resilience today

Today I learnt about networking, women and diversity, and about judgmental people.

3 things that are positive today, to focus and get better:

1. The networking was better than I thought.
2. I was able to get to know more people and more positive women from GE, Caterpillar, Stanchart, HP and HPE, and Thompson-Reuters.
3. Tips on how to build confidence, saying no, and outside-in perspective.

Movies this trip

Flew SQ home to Jakarta for Ceng Beng weekend, then onward to Sydney via transit thru Singapore, and returned home on late night flight.

Movies I watched these round are superb: Phantom Thread, I, Tonya, and Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri.