Leap of Faith

I dreamed that I was a little girl, standing on the edge of precipitance, staring into wide expense of bright lights dotted with greeneries, buildings, houses, and green field of the earth. A wide unknown yet it beckons.

Since young, I have always been terrified yet slightly excited at the prospect of a jump. When I leap and my feet couldn't find a firm foundation. The feeling of not being grounded without a safety net.

This is the feeling that I have right now. When finally, the reality, that I am leaving a company that I have toiled in for 11 years, sinks in. Acceptance of reality brings calm and peaceful state of mind.

I guess I had still be in denial and negotiation. But finally, today, the day before New Year's eve and my last day of employment, I accept this reality.

It is scary to not feeling like I have a safety net. That everything under my feet is unclear and unstable. Yet I am also equally terribly excited, and terribly nervous of the prospect of what there is to come.

Too long that I have felt cozy and safe. It is time again to leap into the unknown. And grab the best opportunities that I encounter. Only this time, I know what I want the best. And while I am on the way there, I am going to enjoy every moments of this journey of life.

 

Workview reflection on 30 Nov

In reading the book Designing your life, one of the exercise is to write down a short reflection about my Workview. It supposed to address:

Why work?

What is work for?

What does work mean?

How does it relate to the individual, others, society?

What defines good or worthwhile work?

What does money have to do with it?

What does experiences, growth, and fulfillment have to do with it?

My Workview reflection on 30 Nov

Work is something that I want to do for my whole life. I love the feeling of putting hours in, giving it all I got so it stretches my mind, thinking, horizon, physically even, so that I can sit back at the end of day feeling fulfilled and proud that I have put my efforts in, and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I love to earn my living, so do something, learn, growth, and achieve things that I couldn't do before or I didn't know possible. If I fail, I would be sad as I didn't achieve but I should reframe that in the context of my learning experience. I also need to justify the part where I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor, in the sense that I need to earn them. But not so much. I want to provide to my family. I want to make them proud, achieve more recognition. I am perfection in the sense not to do things perfectly, but to be better and better. Give it the best I got. Why work? That's what we do as human: contribute to self, through self-improvement plus provide for physical need, be mentally challenged, soul nourishing, and to afford to do things for fun) a swell as contribute to family, others, and society (such as being mentor, and grow people). What is good and worthwhile work? 1) Challenging= stretch, 2) Achieve more = learn and be better, 3) Learn from the best and better people or through books, 4) Be compensated well, 5) Help others build on top of my work to achieve themselves, 6) Create Network of friends - my self work + grow self and others.

  

Caring leadership

 I am so touched by the model, coach, care that was demonstrated to me by 2 senior female leaders, that I almost teared up on the call. One is someone whom I know for 16 months, and one in a recent conversation. I know they have strong agenda and yet they leave me at the end of the conversation full of energy and strength in spirit to carry on and with resilience.

I am so thankful and blessed, and I hope someday I can sincerely be one like them and pay it forward.

Work Troubles

 I had been having very difficult journey in my current role, last few months. Since my new manager comes onboard. Yesterday, I was presented with 2 options: one going to performance plan and the other to sign separation agreement. Both time-bounded. Yes my employment has expiry date.

As I took a day off today to sort through my emotion and feeling, my head is searching for answers. 

Why this happens? Is the most obvious question. Part of this is blaming myself for being in this situation, and sorting out what I could have done differently, or why I haven't seen this coming that it came as a shock. Part of that is also blaming my manager.

I found it helpful to verbalize my thoughts to see things objectively. To address the feeling of unfairness that rises up to anger and disappointment. Also the sense of unjust as I felt I have done nothing wrong, and I have always delivered against my commitment. But few instances of my refusal to do what my manager asked me to do, that I justify as action of randomizing the field, or inefficient way of how things should be done, makes me tethering on the verge of self-doubt and foolishness.  I do not know why manager holds such a power in large corporation. Or that the selection of people rising to the top that holds the power over the livelihood, experiences, and motivation of employees. This seems like such an ineffective system.

Take my manager for example. He has 7 direct reports with seniority, and what he does is randomizing people by asking them to pull some data, prepare powerpoint slides, or do internal presentation in internal meetings. What is the objective and what is the key results?

My soul-searching today led me to read an article on Harvard Business Review, compendium for leadership. One chapter of the book is titled Why Should Anyone Be Led by You ? It talks about effective executive whom be a sensor, exposes weaknesses (artfully and smartly), dare to be different, and tough empathy. Another chapter on the same book talks about the difference of management and leadership. Maybe I mixed the need of managing versus leading that my manager attempted to do. Maybe I did so as I feel undervalued and thus insisting on establishing myself or a resemblance of control. Maybe I had lack of respect to a leader who is mercantile and egoistic that in turn I responded belligerently. A friend advised me that there is no right and wrong. There no sense to try to rationalize human. 

At the end of the day, I do want to be more self-awareness, agile, and flexible. I hope this setback teaches me valuable lesson without destroying my self-esteem.

Let me affirm myself.

I am hard working

I am mature.

I am professional.

I am a learner.

I will overcome this.

August Wellness Month

Since Singapore opened up from Circuit Breaker, I have been easing to exercise gently. In month of August, we officially concluded 6-month period of the lockdown since pandemic started. It also coincided with Get Well "games" that was initiated by my company and encouraged us to form groups of 3-12 people to complete 10,000 minutes of exercise. 

So I am happy to report at the conclusion of August that the time that I dedicated to exercise and general well being has improved.

According to Strava app, I have regained distance of exercise travelled to 53km! While this is still short of 100km that I logged in Jan 2020 in 20-day period, frankly that was my personal best record. I am happy with the slow but steady progress. I had also dedicated 19hrs 19mins in total in Strava app. That plus my swimming record while I was in my final month of FitnessFirst membership made me proud of my accomplishments.

Happy Exercise!

Book 1: The Heart by Maylis de Kerangal

The third book I finished in 2020 is The Heart by Maylis de Kerangal. I believe I picked this one up years ago from books that Bill Gates recommended. Coincidentally, BillG decided to step down from the board of Microsoft and Berkshire the day prior, to focus on his Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

The book, unlike most fiction I read, has the quality that touches your mind, heart, and soul. It is not exactly satisfying. It stays with you a while after you finished the book. I finished it in 2 days while on medical leave.

The Book Cover

The book was written in French, and translated by Sam Taylor to English. The story took place in 24 hours elapsed, exactly. From the celebration of life, for a 19-year-old boy who cares about surfing, and throughout the book his persona emerges, but not quite clear. The prose was well articulated, and defines everyone on the book in unique perspective, with a combination of description of things around the person, their thoughts, POV, but also description of universe. I guess I like this description the best from Priya Parmar's NY Times 2016 review of the book

The story unfolds in an intricate lacework of precise detail. Each character is introduced in particle form, and then the details compound until a wholeness is reached, a person takes shape and steps forward.

Goodreads link.