Covering

At work, we learn about the concept of Covering recently. The company Q&A by Satya addressed the issue, followed by a short talk by Ann Johnson who leads the company's security sales strategy division. I listened and didn't have much reaction other than a dawning sense of awareness.

On and off I remembered the concept. Including this morning, when I had my private time. I realize that I've always been an emotional person. I teared up at any soft sentimental moments in movies. I teared up on Thursday when we had Values conversation and listened to my leader told a powerful story about what happened to him 27 years ago when he encountered an unforgettable moment.

Then I realized in situation when I reacted badly. Sometimes I have a lot of pent-up emotional reaction. Anger especially or moment of sadness. I reflected on why I do that. Often I thought it's because those moments of anger empower me. Give me drive. The hunger. The insecurity. I also read that if you only reacts when you've been hurt, and you need to be moved to moment of righteousness to defend yourself/others, or simply need that moment of justification, you are not validating yourself. That means I have to put myself in moment of being defensive to be moved to action. That can't be right. I am normally not that passive. But why do I keep so much inside, and sometimes be petrified to the action.

I realize, perhaps, I am covering. I always want to look strong. Afraid my soft side will show. Afraid that emotional is not professional. Afraid of shedding tears in office. Coming out can be very liberating. I also thought about many homosexual people who had to live their lives afraid, and how coming out to them has always been a moment of liberation. I think now I understand a bit better how that feels. How opressing it can be to be hiding some part of you. How those can lead to pent up emotion. How you might react badly due to those luggage. Why coming out means you can leave your authentic self and be so much more powerful and show up yourselfs.

I then think about why I'm covering. Success is very important for me. It gives me a sense of purpose. Sense of purpose is very important to me and to everyone. Just this week's offsite where our leader gives everyone sense of purpose. Super powerful. How he looks at everyone and pick the best moments and strength, encourage that, and show what's the most important. I think that's a great role model to emulate. I recalled the chapter of the book Grit that I read this morning. About wise parenting, that parents in loving and tough family yield the best environment to raise a child. About knowing the best for the child, be supportive, and sets the bar and standard. But also at the end of the day, the child has the choice. In corporate setting, it seems similar playbook to build high performing team. And I guess the people who are not cutting it, nor want to aspire to that level of standard would then qualify themselves out. That's interesting.

Anyway, a lot of what I do this week is going inside. Inside my mind and inside my heart. To open my mind and my heart. Write these feelings down. Explore them. And Let go.