Learning about my language

Recently I felt a big loss. The loss of connection to one of my most cherished relationship in my life. The loss I felt was profound. But I had a task to overcome it so I have been focused to sort out that area of my life while knowingly ignoring my felling of coping with this loss, hoping time would heal.
Ever since I started, or I should say restarted my mindfulness exercise, I become aware of my present being. My feeling, my unconscious state of being. Those that sometimes stayed buried until moments of stress or anger uncover it as angry bursts of frustrations.

I don't know how people who appear to be emotionally stable cope with that. Why they can seemingly operate without emotion while dealing with so much stress in their life. Their high-stress position. Relationship with others. Relationship with spouse. Dealing with children. Etc. I suppose that's life is about.

Back to my life. After my procedure and while taking a break from work, so bereft of the two source of energy and focus in my life. I woke up these few days in state of sadness. Unbearable sadness. ... I realize perhaps the feeling of sadness and loss is still within me. Even though it's technically already over a month. Even though I tried to charge along. I alternative between getting rid of pain, or succumb to the feeling it and letting all my feelings go all out. Letting go. Making sure I acknowledge every single little feeling in my heart. My emotion richness.

I suppose that's healthy. I hope that's healthy. I alternatively uncover and reflect and remember. Remember the happy moments. Remember the sad moments. Remember what I am owed. Remember my indignant anger. remembering the sweet feeling when things go well. Remembering stuff. AS it trying to carve it into my memory. As it trying to let it all out and to start forgetting. Trying to count my apologies owed. Trying to count reason to move the next step forward.

I suppose what is the point of all of this. That is healthy as a start to try to seek apology. Or that apology i think is healthy for both party. If I don't get apology for the wrong, I can't begin to start forgiving. And the other party apologizes to start removing the guilt. IF that's what they feel at all. If he cares enough or even know how much hurt that stabs me deep inside. I don't know exactly why he did the way he did. Only that doing so robs me of my opportunities and position that I was entrusted to help him. And yet this is the treatment that I got. but there is no appreciation that I got only this treatment as if I am entrusted with opportunities. Which I do not ask for. So, why does this bother me so much. Because I care too much on how I am treated by the other party. No appreciation and being given opportunities. So that's where the disconnect is. maybe its the difference of me seeing the words of affirmation and acts of service rather than gifts.

Confidence

4 step process "Creating Epic Thought List"

1. Negative thought
2. Are they real, are they something that has been bothering for long time
3. Positive thought
4. Anchor to path success .... back the positive idea. Make it real

front load ahead of time. so when we get challenge we can move quickly.

Stop caring for others think of me.

Negative thoughts:

1. they won't like me because
2. they will bypass me because 
3. they will think I don't know my stuff

are they real or due to my insecurities. Stop caring about what others think of me.

positive thoughts:

1. do my research. prepare what likely a person need to know. listen
2. be present - nailing it
3. my listening skill and ability to follow up has been proven success

Tallulah

today is the first Sunday after Chinese New Year 2017. A sleepy Sunday morning started with netflix movie, Tallulah. Grabbing on some connection to the earth. It has meaningful story headlined by a story about women connection, between the drifter Lu (Ellen Page) a young woman finding meaning in her life who wants to take care of the baby she then inadvertently kidnapped, Margo (Allison Janney) who is grasping at the life after divorce and loneliness that follows, and Carolyn (Tammy Blanchard) the trophy wife trying to get her sense of dignity back from her pre-baby look and sense of being a new mother.