The mermaid and the Minatour

I chanced upon this work by the late Dr Dorothy Dinnerstein, as I was reading about strategy and leadership. Published in 1976, the current beautiful National Library Board in Singapore no longer carry the book. This book was a well known body of work, listed in one of the top 10 book list of Gloria Steinem, a noted American feminist, as a pioneering well-researched book about the sexual arrangement that underlies the "maladies of society".

I shall update again when i managed to get my hold on the book. But here is the link and excerpt from a well-written commentaries from New York Times staff Vivian Gornick when the book was published in 1976. 

On a side note, how wonderful of digitization of the New York Times that archives the old newspaper articles of this media institiution.

Tremendous loss of human live -start of War

On October 7, 2023, I woke up to a peaceful morning in Tel Aviv, Israel. After making a quick breakfast at our rental AirBNB, I flipped through Netflix being unfamiliar to the unit as we have just arrived back to Tel Aviv after a few days in Jerusalem. The Crown episodes were on season 2 and Olivia Colman's face mimicking the Queen, commented about how she was entering the middle age for woman.

Announcements in Hebrew language flickered across the page, annoying appearing every few mins. I dismissed them as notice being new to the TV and the foreign languages as I continued to catch up on the episodes. My brother woke-up around 9am, and we started wondering about proper brunch on a Shabbat day that is also a major Simchat Torah holiday. That's the reason we returned to Tel Aviv, figuring out that the options would have been much better being in Shabbat in this fun city. Indeed, the night before we hung out at one of the restaurant/bar/art gallery that my Israeli friend recommended around Jaffa area, caught the sunset and walked back leisurely.

I started checking the news of the day, and surprised to see the news about Hamas attack. What??!

We quickly flipped to the news current affair channel, and found CNN. It turned out that those notices on TV were from Israeli Home Defense Front that is responsible for civic defense, annoucing the wave of attack. They were still trying to understand the scope of situation. The casualty count though started from 1, then to 8, and creeps up. 

We decided that since I have been awake for hours, I should venture out and get food and maybe to find some supermarket that is open so we can get some fruits and food. I strolled to immediate vicinity of our apartment on Eliat road. The Neve Tsedek neighbourhood was peaceful, a few kids were playing on the field. Morning sun was shining, really beautiful and peaceful weekend morning.

I bumped into a group and two groups of tourists with Asian faces. After saying friendly 'good morning' it is clear that they have just arrived and settling in to this artsy and nice neighbourhood. Even though it is adjacent to the Levinsky market area that we stayed at last week, the vibe is really different. I strolled silently through the silent street. Encountered a family outside the Dalia bakery 'Ah, must be a family business since they sit around outside their famous bakery and restaurant, their faces was stoic but I paid no attention since that's how faces of people in this Middle Eastern area, I have learned. They might be friendly, and willing to help, but they just don't showed it on their faces, any smiles or pleasures...

I checked my GPS, and passed a small street where a group of four were gathering, on the road chatting. I checked the path towards the beach, then turned back. I was trying to get a Jhanuk place that has a good review. As it was a traditional jewish food eaten on a Shabbat morning, I thought it would be a fitting food to try on this holiday morning.

I wonder around, until finally the guy on the group, turned and said "We are selling Jyanuk here".

"Ah, perfect, I am looking for your place."

He gestured towards an open door, which leads the living room of a living quarter, complete with a table with a pot of Jyanuk and condiments.

"Did you know what's happening here?"

I was shocked a little bit, not expecting this small talk that immediately referred to the news.

"Um, yes we saw.."

"It is really bad. The situation, people were shooting at our soldiers. It's better to get some food and just stay indoor whole day."

I thanked him for his advice. He then asked whether I know what food I am getting. I affirmed and then briskly went about my way, pondering what just happened. I wondered whether the situation is really that bad, but the locals seemed to think it is VERY bad and they are supposed to know that their land is unstable.. hmm. I was engrossed in my thoughts that I forgotten to comment on the book Ikigai on the sofa of the food seller, 'I had the same exact book and had gifted it to people for Christmas..'.

I walked quickly making circous route, as I started to figure that it is better to follow his advice and stock on some food. I spotted a few hummus restaurant, which I started to like during my stay, and walked there. The streets are empty. I don't know how it is like on Saturday morning on a typical Shabbat day but I certainly encountered less than 10 people in 20 mins on the street.

The middle-eastern guys were standing around outside the hummus restaurant. They look somehow harried. It is clear that the restaurant is not really open, the tables and chairs were stacked up.

"I want to buy some hummus, yes, for takeaway".

The guy who is best in English, took my order and gave instructions to his friends/family members. Three of them started preparing, and I declined falafel upside. Satisfied that I have a warm plate of takeaway hummus, I started hunting for Supermarket.

After a few rounds, I found Green supermarket, which we found to be generally high in price, but it is open and it is just next to the station. I started to ogle at the fresh avocado, mushroom, and eggs. Outside, a sirene rang and I quickly grabbed items I wanted. Moments later, a loud boom of rocket can be heard. I started to hear a group chatting around the cashier. 

A gentleman with dark skin got a phone call immediately, and he started almost shouting into his phone, "Don't panic, listen to me. Everything will be okay." Immediately, I did not quite understand the hysteria that started to form.

"That'll be 97 shekkels. There is no shelter around here...". the cashier commented to me while shaking her head.

I thought about the fact that she has to manned the supermarket on this holiday morning, during this dangerous time with no shelter around, and said "Take care of yourselves."

"Thanks, you take care too."

I quickly hurried back to the apartment, and share the news of my morning venture to my brother.

Sunset in Jaffa on October 6, 2023

Beautiful Neve Tsedek neighbourhood on the morning walk

The empty Hummus restaurant

September 2023 Gratitude post

After reading this tip from a 95-year grandpa who writes short blog everyday, as well as a 68-year-old who went for 30-days silent retreat, and one of the points is about writing, I wanted to start this blog complaining about the conversation I had today with my manager as well as the stress in the last 30 days about Papa's health.

But, in a second, my mind did a quick turn around, when I read about gratitude. Instead of complaining, I am very grateful of a lot of things that happened to me and in my life.

I am grateful for my mom, who is strong, active, energetic and immediately supportive when I told her about my work troubles yesterday. Clearly she has been worried about my state of mental health being in the last 2 weeks.

I am grateful for my brother, who is also very supportive yesterday. He invited me to join a weekend party with his friends and network.

I am grateful for my other brother, and that he and his family are successful and they are blessed with two wonderful daughters. I am proud of how successful he is in both family and in business.

I am grateful for our extended family who is caring, and thoughtful about Papa's health. They called multiple times a day in the last 3 weeks of Papa's diagnosis, operations, multiple hospitalizations, and even host my Papa and Mom for 3 weeks in Taiwan.

I am grateful that Papa is alive and is able to celebrate his 74th's birthday on Saturday and today.

I am grateful to be blessed with good health, physical comforts, and wealth generated at relatively young age.

I am grateful to be surrounded by many supportive people who guided me in career, spiritually, and in spirit.

I am grateful to Buddha who teaches the blessings and wishes peace and happiness for all beings.

I am grateful to be alive and healthy today and able to live a fruitful live.

Vipassana experience

I went to take 10-day course of Vipassana meditation. After chancing up on this meditation, I became intrigued, signed up, and secured a place at Vipassana centre in Indonesia, Bali. 

Places for Vipassana meditation is highly sought after, and often you have to sign up a few months in advance to secure a place. Furthermore in year 2022, Covid restrictions was still in place in a number of countries, notably Japan centres require that only Japanese resident to apply, while the website for the Bali centre indicates requirement for Covid ART test and mask requirement.

My signing up experience was smooth, and I happily was offered a place around September. My parents then resisted and tried to make me to cancel my place and my plan of going. In hindsight the precaution was ridiculous but with no way of knowing how I was faring, I can understand the concerns.

In any case, I tied my airplane ticket back from Bali for SQ redemption making the journey with a transit in Singapore prior to onward vacation to Japan. My ticket was redeemed for DPS - SIN - HND. Fortunately, it was booked that way, as several visa problems with my parents travel to Japan almost caused us to cancel the Japan holiday. Also, Japan was on verge of opening up, so every single families that we know of in Singapore were eying to spend that December in Japan.

I arrived in Denpasar, Bali on the day of course starting on December 30, 2022. I found an honest driver at the Bluebird taxi queue. I asked the driver (Mr. Bli Putra) to drive me to Tegallalang, to enjoy a final pre-meditation meal at a cafe next to serene paddy fields famous in Tegallalang. It was nice to do people watching, before finally heading to Bangli for the Vipassana centre, arriving at around 2.30pm.

 

Society construct

A company rank is a designation that purely determined by the employer who hired you. It influences your standing in the company, how others perceived you. But it often has little to do with who you are and what your value is. When you leave the company, the rank goes away and you are left with your true worth and value.

It is often interesting how we associate our ego on how people should interact with us, based on our roles and standing in an organization and its business partners. I see all these as temporary and impermanent. Yet it is interesting how pervasive this attitude is amongst the corporate folks who have had spent majority of their career in a company, often large and competitive, including myself.

Ethical Theory

Ethics is also known as moral philosophy. This discipline studies what is morally good and bad, and what is morally right or wrong.

Normative ethical theory branch studies on what people ought to do, in moral sense. There are 2 general theory of normative ethics: 

1). The Teleological theory that focuses on consequences, and hence it is outcome based theory or consequentialism. Teleological derives from Greek word telos or "end" / "goal". Ethical egoism is one of them, and it is based on self-interests. This self-interest as principle is not the same as selfishness, that disregard the interests of others. Restricted ethical egoism is further restricted or bounded by law or the norms. Depending on what is considered as important (axiology), an alternative to ethical egoism is utilitarianism which focuses on choice that provides the greatest benefit to greatest number of people. The challenge with this theory is that logical weighing of pros and cons of each options is often complex and not straightforward. 

2). The Deontological theory focuses on the intention. Deontological derives from Greek word deon or "duties". This theory argues that decision should be made considering one's rights and duties, thus this theory lays down strict rules. It can be rights based, or justice based. Rights based ethical choice respects the rights of individuals. The challenge with this is that there is no hierarchy of rights, so a right of individual could infringe another right of the other. Justice based ethical choice focuses on providing fairness and equity. This distribution of rights or disadvantages could be very complex, and it can be needs-based, merit-based, or equality-based.  

Gaming

Today I'm awake at 4am... can't sleep. My emotion is in turmoil. I wonder can your feeling get attached to someone that you know over game? apparently my soft heart does. Yes I admit it in the full glory, I have a squishy softie heart. I lay with broken heart, as I mourn a loss of a dear friend in the game that I have dedicated time in the last 10 months. He was the only reason I continued playing when I wanted to quit several times, especially late 2021 and early this year.

I pray and hope for a strength in my heart, to overcome this feeling. My rational mind trying to console myself by rationalizing that this happens for a reason, and must be a good reason. I prayed in the Buddhist temple on May 1st and suddenly this happened immediately after. This must be a god-sent gift. That he quit playing. Maybe he is a player. Maybe he already married and had a wife and kids. Maybe he got attached during his trip to Malaysia. The fact that he quit suddenly without bothering to let me know himself means he only cared about himself. He took decision to travel without prior notification, meaning that either his decision was not planned or he didn't bother to tell. Was he stressed? Did I do thing to add to his stress? Did I do anything wrong.

All these thoughts flying away, I found normally means that I overthinking certain things. Because a lot of thing that people do often relates to what happened to him. Not because of what happened to me. The gaming chat is only a sliver in people's life, and I often wonder what happened to the others' fuller life. I am still curious about him. Wanted to meet him and see how he looked like. Want to know more. But it's over now. The funny thing is I worry about the things I said in case I did something wrong. Maybe I did nothing wrong. Things happened. 

As a celebration of this virtual relationship, I will celebrate the encounter from the cave of Dokebi. I celebrate getting to know this man. I cherish finding him kind-hearted but non-sense. He can be sweet at times and persistent like getting me to join his guild. I really like that he treat me like normal human being. I appreciate that he helped me to level my characters. Laugh at my jokes like I laugh at his and celebrate his 3rd job achievements. Thank you for the memory, the care and the recommendation of the Modern Family and Elite. I will forever laugh at the manga he mentioned he read about picking up girls at dungeon, to which he shyly replied. I cherish the twitter in my heart when he asked who I was having staycation with.

Now, hoping to move on. I couldn't sleep. And decided to delete all games in my iphone. Okay, all except 5. It took a while. I figured I might as well learn from this episode, and get inspired by taking active and positive step towards my gaming time.

Thank you for the memories. Let my heart mourn this loss and heal this broken heart. I will wait for 1 month, I have decided. Then when my heart heals, it will be time to move on.

Restaurant Euphoria

We went with my best friends Lisa and Ming to restaurant Euphoria last Friday night. 3.5 hours dinner full of laughter and good times.

Ming encountered a traffic accident on her route home to restaurant, so she decided to drive. A brave decision after incident she encountered during her journey dealing with her diabetic condition. And she was late as a result of convoluted CBD traffic rules and circumstances of Friday-night parking. So Lisa and I were able to catch up between us for a while. We discussed about our past, as well as I shared with her my discovering on psychology of self-shaming as well as we touched on some of her experiences dealing with choosing to go on her own path on a job offer, a while ago.

I will post some pictures later on when my photos are uploaded to OneDrive. What compelled me to write this blog now is that I am reading the blog written by a lady in Sydney, about FIRE. Her blog was written as she discovered FIRE movement (Financial Independence, Retire Early) a bit late although she was only in her late forties: https://www.latestarterfire.com/.

 

Therapist Uncensored

 Recently I love learning podcast, especially some of very interesting one such as Ear Biscuits and Therapist Uncensored. The podcast explored relationship, attachment, and therapy.

The podcast I am listening now is about Attachment Avoidance and Difficulty Opening Up: trauma, avoidance with Robert T. Mueller. It talks about Avoidance as solution and self-deception, as well as how trauma shows up in our relationship, our childhood experiences, and that sometimes multiple trauma system interlocks. With Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP and Ann Kelley PhD. 

Sometimes working it out, while sitting with discomfort, and taking personal risk in safe environment.

I then recall some strong emotion for example, whether in terms on how my parents communicate to each other, or shows disagreement, or resolve conflict. Or in terms on my relationship with my ex-housemates at the end of my university years, and whether I have a lot of unresolved anger and fear in my heart about relationship. Or about my relationship with my ex-boyfriends, or with my ex-colleagues.

Does my past relationship make me just throw past relationship behind, and move on?

First fine dining out meal after June2021 semi-lock down

Finally, after 6 weeks of semi-lock down, I met up with AP for Japanese dinner. Been looking forward to this catch up! Last time we gathered for yakitori & izakaya-theme dinner at Yatagarasu for mine's and Ming's birthday celebration and the country went to lock-down prohibiting dining out when we were going to celebrate AP's birthday.

Sakemaru Artisan sake hideout is a nice place, even nicer now with spacious bubble around each dining group. We chose seats at counter, which is the best as we can see the chef in action! There are humongous display fridges lining up both sides of entrances full of sake selections, each with small accompanying notes.

As part of our mission to elevate the global standards of Saké, the SAKEMARU Artisan Sake Hideout is a concept dining experience to showcase our extensive range of exclusive artisanal Saké alongside modern Japanese Kappo-style cuisine here in Singapore.

The menu is interesting. The opening salvo was a raw-fish-in-season-that-i-forgot-the-name (shult?) that came seared perfectly with brown rich.

Firefly squid as starter: Seasoned well, and seared to perfection, the bite-sized squid came with tomatoes and mushroom all   

The fig mascarpone was unfortunately out of stock, but somehow the chef sent a complimentary order perhaps because detecting our disappointment when the hokkaido corn was also out of stock! Likely, out of his omakase supply :)

The fish somen was exquisite, it's light and the jelly-like broth complement the somen with fresh roe.

The best is ama-ebi which came large size, with raw golden egg yolk with soy-like sauce.

For main, we ordered simmered tender beef tongue. It came with squid-ink sauce, and tongue so tender, I didn't believe it's the body part. Unfortunately the taste is a bit bland, perhaps a bit overcooked?

For sake, we had a charafe of Kasaichiyo casareccio Omachi 50, which I enjoyed a lot. It is perfect as starter sake and has a pleasant floral like aroma. It goes down well especially with sashimi and light dishes.

We then ordered a bottle of Shirakiku Mirror Mirror Muraku Genshu, an Honjozo Junmai. It is a new conceptual sake made of apple yeast and black koji. Thus has a sourish taste, but goes down pleasant and dry. My friend spotted Shuhari which we would like to try - it's rare artisan sake from Okamoto village Yamadashiki Usunigori Nama.

Overall, I remember the chat, gossip with one of my bestest, and wisest friend in the world. We talked about our own blind spot, pacing in life and career, and shared some anecdotes about experiences working in different environment with slower pace, and about enterprise business applications.

Looking forward to next catch up!

A tremendous sense of gratitude for the night out.

 

Upgrade your brain

 I attended 1.5 days part of the BD Academy in my new company. Day 2 features Jim Kwik, with his interesting delivery about how to upgrade brain and with his 10 tips on morning to upstart your brain. He introduces his concept of FAST (Forget, Active, State, Transcendence).

Forget =:

Our brain is terrible at multi-tasking. Can only function at one cognitive function at a time. 2-3 minutes task switching time.

Active =:

I think this is about our brain remembers more when creating.

State =:

Our brain remembers with emotion i.e. State-dependant.

Transcendence =:

Cross the "trans" - auto functioning. For example, use your other hand to activate focus.

Therapy

 Listening to podcasts of Ear Biscuits by Rhett and Link, I am listening to easy-going chat about Enneagrams, Multi-level marketing, and Therapy.

Therapy is cheaper... just scratching the surface when you start. You start uncovering behavioral pattern, perhaps, coming from your childhood or unconscious brain.

My Golden Life

Sometimes things happen in your life that prompts reflection. This week is the last week before I rejoined the workforce. As I binge-watch the Kdrama My Golden Life from 2018.. I am touched by the struggles of ordinary people, of the feeling of injustice, unfair life, and humiliation of daily struggles when you have to feel struggles every day without the space to breathe. I am also reminded of every day you need to take step forward, at least to try, to be aware of your purpose, remember the passage of time, grow yourself, and seek happiness. Every characters in the drama is depicted in its nuance, not just black-and-white. Everyone is not born perfect, or good in every way. The characters however, like in any good drama, would grow, learn from their mistakes, and tackle with resilience, hard work, and passion.

This week is the last week of my sabbatical. I have come to enjoy the carefree life, and seek happiness in studying and growing my mind, which I discover give me a lot of joy. I am stretching myself in a new role, in a new company, with quite likely a different culture. But I am ready for that. I want to give it my best shot. The best is yet to come!

Update: March 15.

After marathon session, I finally finished up 52 episodes of this family drama. The gripping story lines, as well as some shocking cliff-hanger at the end of each episodes ensure that the audience is hooked. I watched the KBS award show and learnt that the series won many awards including the screenwriter, lead actress, and the lead actors of both the male protagonist and the father. Plus it was nominated for top new actor and other supporting actress as well for the sister and the mother. I do think that the second half of the show was not as good as the first half, possibly contributed or contributing to the health issues that the screenwriter experienced during award show in the new year of 2017. 

I am taking away a lot of the struggles of the standard people. But also the character development shows that people can change, grow, and be happy by realizing and leading their own golden life. The achievement, big company, large salary all contribute to a secure life, however if achieving all these is costing mental sanity, values, as well as family, then it is time to re-examine your life and have a truly heartfelt conversation with people whom might be selfish and hurt you. 

It makes me happy to just watch the simple relationship of the youngest brother and the youngest child of the Choi family versus the complicated and heart-aching relationship that the lead actor and actress have. Although you wholeheartedly support them, and the complexity makes the plot, sometimes simplicity is... well, just simple, pure and enjoyable.

Watching the middle-aged couples, I do crave for the longevity of relationship, when you grow old and hopefully wiser by sharing your lives together. It is not always a guarantee that you will lead a sweet life together, but I think the odds and likelihood of that happening is decidedly higher than when you are single.

Nainai's Death Anniversary

 Today in conversation, it came up that today's is Nainai's death anniversary. Nainai is Chinese term for the mother of my father, my grandma from father's side. We also called Nainai, A Ma. It must have been 25 years or so since A Ma's passed on. 

In Hokkien tradition, we call the day "cho ki", or remembrance. Remembering death anniversary normally started when the person passed on. Instead of celebrating the birthday, when the person lived, the tradition is to start "celebrating" the death anniversary as the day to remember the deceased on the day to start the new chapter in circle of life.

I am googling what the tradition normally does on such a day. I remember we would cook a feast and remember the loved one to pass the day.

Leap of Faith

I dreamed that I was a little girl, standing on the edge of precipitance, staring into wide expense of bright lights dotted with greeneries, buildings, houses, and green field of the earth. A wide unknown yet it beckons.

Since young, I have always been terrified yet slightly excited at the prospect of a jump. When I leap and my feet couldn't find a firm foundation. The feeling of not being grounded without a safety net.

This is the feeling that I have right now. When finally, the reality, that I am leaving a company that I have toiled in for 11 years, sinks in. Acceptance of reality brings calm and peaceful state of mind.

I guess I had still be in denial and negotiation. But finally, today, the day before New Year's eve and my last day of employment, I accept this reality.

It is scary to not feeling like I have a safety net. That everything under my feet is unclear and unstable. Yet I am also equally terribly excited, and terribly nervous of the prospect of what there is to come.

Too long that I have felt cozy and safe. It is time again to leap into the unknown. And grab the best opportunities that I encounter. Only this time, I know what I want the best. And while I am on the way there, I am going to enjoy every moments of this journey of life.

 

Today I watched NYT analysis of the shooting of Breonna Taylor

The analysis was thorough and thoroughly damning. It is so reckless and poor execution of members of police forces who are trusted with firepower and intelligence.

I feel sad today that the world is so unfair. And I am feeling blessed and fortunate that no such thing negative happens to me.

I am blessed, grateful, and happy.

Workview reflection on 30 Nov

In reading the book Designing your life, one of the exercise is to write down a short reflection about my Workview. It supposed to address:

Why work?

What is work for?

What does work mean?

How does it relate to the individual, others, society?

What defines good or worthwhile work?

What does money have to do with it?

What does experiences, growth, and fulfillment have to do with it?

My Workview reflection on 30 Nov

Work is something that I want to do for my whole life. I love the feeling of putting hours in, giving it all I got so it stretches my mind, thinking, horizon, physically even, so that I can sit back at the end of day feeling fulfilled and proud that I have put my efforts in, and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I love to earn my living, so do something, learn, growth, and achieve things that I couldn't do before or I didn't know possible. If I fail, I would be sad as I didn't achieve but I should reframe that in the context of my learning experience. I also need to justify the part where I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor, in the sense that I need to earn them. But not so much. I want to provide to my family. I want to make them proud, achieve more recognition. I am perfection in the sense not to do things perfectly, but to be better and better. Give it the best I got. Why work? That's what we do as human: contribute to self, through self-improvement plus provide for physical need, be mentally challenged, soul nourishing, and to afford to do things for fun) a swell as contribute to family, others, and society (such as being mentor, and grow people). What is good and worthwhile work? 1) Challenging= stretch, 2) Achieve more = learn and be better, 3) Learn from the best and better people or through books, 4) Be compensated well, 5) Help others build on top of my work to achieve themselves, 6) Create Network of friends - my self work + grow self and others.

  

Reflecting on my 1:1 with Simon

 I reflected on the conversation, and about how different people gave advice. Some leaders are more caring and genuinely interested in making you successful. Other leaders gave you point of view, often drawn from their experiences, so you can draw your own conclusion. The first method gave you faster action and teaches you new perspective. The latter method depends on your own analysis to think and teach you how to think.

I also sensed from the conversation that he mentioned it took a  year to learn new organization, and that you have to be clearer on what you are going to get from the new role in a new organization. And at the same time, consider that the new role will draw from your existing experiences and core strength.

I sense that he talked a lot about his own experiences, that serves both ways, for others to get to know him accomplishment more and how he thinks, and also provides credibility and examples to his advice.

Overall, I would say he is taking a hands-off approach. Doesn't offer help further or to keep in touch. But that is exactly what I would expect. He did say that if there's any suitable opportunities he would flick it over but also that opportunities that he came across is not what I would be looking for.

Now the thinking trap that I must be wary about today is the all for nothing thinking. It is good that we establish a connection after 2 years. That's positive, that's it and the liberty of thinking about it that way gives me a relief and something to focus on right now, which is to chart my new path.

Caring leadership

 I am so touched by the model, coach, care that was demonstrated to me by 2 senior female leaders, that I almost teared up on the call. One is someone whom I know for 16 months, and one in a recent conversation. I know they have strong agenda and yet they leave me at the end of the conversation full of energy and strength in spirit to carry on and with resilience.

I am so thankful and blessed, and I hope someday I can sincerely be one like them and pay it forward.

Work Troubles

 I had been having very difficult journey in my current role, last few months. Since my new manager comes onboard. Yesterday, I was presented with 2 options: one going to performance plan and the other to sign separation agreement. Both time-bounded. Yes my employment has expiry date.

As I took a day off today to sort through my emotion and feeling, my head is searching for answers. 

Why this happens? Is the most obvious question. Part of this is blaming myself for being in this situation, and sorting out what I could have done differently, or why I haven't seen this coming that it came as a shock. Part of that is also blaming my manager.

I found it helpful to verbalize my thoughts to see things objectively. To address the feeling of unfairness that rises up to anger and disappointment. Also the sense of unjust as I felt I have done nothing wrong, and I have always delivered against my commitment. But few instances of my refusal to do what my manager asked me to do, that I justify as action of randomizing the field, or inefficient way of how things should be done, makes me tethering on the verge of self-doubt and foolishness.  I do not know why manager holds such a power in large corporation. Or that the selection of people rising to the top that holds the power over the livelihood, experiences, and motivation of employees. This seems like such an ineffective system.

Take my manager for example. He has 7 direct reports with seniority, and what he does is randomizing people by asking them to pull some data, prepare powerpoint slides, or do internal presentation in internal meetings. What is the objective and what is the key results?

My soul-searching today led me to read an article on Harvard Business Review, compendium for leadership. One chapter of the book is titled Why Should Anyone Be Led by You ? It talks about effective executive whom be a sensor, exposes weaknesses (artfully and smartly), dare to be different, and tough empathy. Another chapter on the same book talks about the difference of management and leadership. Maybe I mixed the need of managing versus leading that my manager attempted to do. Maybe I did so as I feel undervalued and thus insisting on establishing myself or a resemblance of control. Maybe I had lack of respect to a leader who is mercantile and egoistic that in turn I responded belligerently. A friend advised me that there is no right and wrong. There no sense to try to rationalize human. 

At the end of the day, I do want to be more self-awareness, agile, and flexible. I hope this setback teaches me valuable lesson without destroying my self-esteem.

Let me affirm myself.

I am hard working

I am mature.

I am professional.

I am a learner.

I will overcome this.