Practicing Gratitude

3 Things to be grateful for today:

• I got to spend a week with my nieces, Ashley is 7 and Beverly is 3 this year.
• I got a promo earlier than expected.
• I have nice conversation with people around me who supported me.
• Am entering weekend with free time.

3 Things to be Happy about

1. I defended myself from perceived slight, and feeling guilty afterwards. Meaning, I have conscience, and I am brave.
2. My brother and family are coming to visit and play in Singapore later this week.
3. I got the promotion that I wanted and fought for, this year, ahead of schedule.
4. I cooked two new dishes, Thai green curry and Transparent noodle salad for my family today.

Yay!

A new energy

I came back from holiday with family, recharged and happy. For the first time in my life, I feel blissful, at peace, and in the moment. Felt like the daily meditation helps me regain my sense of balance and contentment. I do not have extra things really, no new relationship, no happy encounter, just spend 2 weeks travelling with family and "in the moment".

I am not purposeful. I do not know where I am going, or if I am going somewhere. I suppose the small secret in life is to know there is no journey with a starting end and the ending point. Maybe life is a jumble of walks that go around and return to the original path. I don't know.

But I do know that I want to create. I want to give birth to new ideas, new facts, new being, something. It gives life meaning when we give.

When we travelled, we received the news about the passing of my cousin, Jensen. On the day of my birthday morning. I felt sad, sad for a life seems so short, that everything can happen and end in an instant. Of him, of his family, and of his parents. But also a sense of peace: he was in pain during the course of cancer, and in a way there is relief in the end.

It rolls a seed of thought, that human can strive, can fight, can will strongly. At the end of the day, there is fate and there is life. there is so many things outside of humane control.

I got a call yesterday, the first day of coming back to office. That is after another call, when I heard agitated sound and voices and feel I could not care more than it deserves. But that call I took it calmly and took it slowly. That call makes me realize a gratefulness of other people who doesn't seem to want some recognition, or doesn't demand it. Or maybe it is too early to think well and good and raise expectation again, I want to be kind and I want to think there is more kindness in this world.

3 grateful things today

1. Enjoying a bright blue sky day at Split, Croatia.
2. Meditating a realizing the reason why I hung on to relationship that is long over: because of my fierce loyalty and my fear of losing my “last hope” to have a family.
3. Opportunity to reflect on Ivan Maestrovic’s villa and museum at Meje, Split.
4. Loving the architecture of Old Town Split, the Diocletian Palace, Riva, the food at Konobs Hvarnin and Artichok, shopping at Green Market, museums, Nandroni Trg, bakeries and supermarkets. 
5. Explore freely the Klis Fortress, the view is fantastic and the only place where you can freely climb the walls, crumbling stone steps, the old church at the top, and the stone fortication that you can see the steep stone bluffs.

Fate

When I was young I had a mole at the corner of my eyes. Those naysayer said that means I shall often cry and live a fate in my life that leads to misery, tears, and hardship.


This morning I looked at myself a bit closer than I normally have... Probably closer than I had in the past 6 months due to life and work. I saw no mole on my eyelid anymore.


I wonder what those naysayer would say now.


I sometimes found myself believe in those signs. I sometimes found myself reading astronomy of the week column on magazine. I sometimes do that because it sometimes is comforting to grab those certainties to divine my day ahead amidst the life.


But today, I start to believe fate is in your hands. Grab everyday like it has the potential to make a better version of you. Grab it like a fresh new day, everyday. Everyday is a day of opportunities and potential, for what is going to happen today is decided today. Not before. Not by the column in newspaper. Not by the arrangement of the stars. Not by the mole that you are born with.

February reflections

It was Valentine's Day yesterday. I had a bout of melancholy deep at night. Remembering what I did last year. This year, the day started with pretty bad mood. I wonder if this has anything to do with the Valentine's Day. I started with 730am call after 6 hours of sleep. Physically tired from the streak of exercise due to February Heart month (those compelling Apple Watch badges!!!).

Why can't I forget? Why do I want to forget...? It is still bringing tears to my eyes and wrenching my heart. More because I miss the feeling and company. But do I love the person or do I love the persona my mind and heart has created for the person.

What should I do? How do I get rid of this pain? Should I get rid of this pain?

My thinking time

I love, I love, I love. Despite.

Today while I swim, I think. My mind wander as usual. Normally it goes to my heart and soul, or what is important at that time. I love and can't forget. My love is resilient. Understanding and forgiving. But I cannot love more than I love myself. As I will resent if I become smaller or lesser than who I am.

So today is acceptance. And I resolve to work on area of my life.

My exercise journey

I have never been a fit child when I was young. When I thought of dismissing the idea of me liking physical education, I fall back to stereotype that any "smart" kid will likely have weakness and weakness is often a weak fragile body. Well, I am only an average person. which means if I want be fit and strong I need to train.

In my twenties, I discovered yoga, yoga and pilates and started joining the courses of yoga and improved my posture. I discovered I could train my body and withstand the poses from yoga, starting from gentle yoga, progressing to hatha, and asthanga. It is generally easier to go to class regularly, although I have proven that you can cycle through classes and you don't have to stick to a practice. That might have taken a longer route with my method, but I found something that work for me. I found that building classes progressively, you have to work it out for every class. That means stretch and find that pain in the poses, and rest throughout the week. Your body will indeed respond and become progressively limber and fitter.

Yoga works to improve flexibility, which means you will often improve your range of movement as your yoga practice progress. I also found pilates. Pilates is the class you take if you want to exercise your core and you become stronger through pilates practice and have a beautiful abs.

I also learnt how to swim in my twenties. Then I started swimming regularly in early thirties, especially breaststroke. I have naturally small hip compared to the rest of my body, (it's apple body type - voluptous but with slimmer hip). Swimming once a week 20 laps, helped me achieve more proportional body shape. My chin is slimmer and my hip wider, so as a result my body is now even much more proportional. Of course if you swim regularly, here is a couple of tips.

1. Swim outdoor if you can
Swimming indoor means better protection from sun, winds, and rain. You can always swim regardless of weather. That means no excuse to skip too. However, indoor pool is often saturated with chlorine which is harsh to your body and hair. Chemical from outdoor swimming pool has the chance to evaporate and oxidise with natural sun light. Plus, if you swim in the sea it is natural.

2. SPF protection is important
Protect your skin regardless of whether you swim in sea or in the pool. Always wear waterproof Sun Protection skin. For beach and outdoor sport, SPF 50 is the minimum recommended factor. Appy and reapply often and with enough coverage.

3. Shower or rinse before swimming
If you saturate your hair and skin with fresh water, your body has less chance of absorbing the chlorine water.

4. Wear swim cap
Protect your hair from regular soak of pool water. It is more hygiene too. Your hair might become brittle and dry from regular exposure to chlorine. You can apply oil or chlorine naturalizer too to help protect your hair underneath the cap.

5. Shower immediately after swim
Wash your face, body, and hair. Rinse with fresh water including your suit and googles. If your swim suit and googles can be damaged easily from regular use in the water, imagine the damage to your hair.

Gratitude journal

3 things I am grateful for:
1. Meeting with partner Avanade and Accenture went very productive.
2. Discussion with the other hiring manager was very productive and result in a good plan for hiring.
3. My team is filled, my best candidate accepted.
4. Good 1:1 conversations with my directs, peers, and my manager and skip.
5. Good conversations with my HR partners. Get to know new people.
6. Come out of my shell to confront my fear and feel relieved of my burden of fearing to hurt other people’s feeling. Those are precious to me. And I am taking care of myself.
7. Stop withdrawing and found the courage to write a reply note thanking people to be in my life in 2018.
8. Thankful that this has been a super wonderful and productive week.

Relationship Advice

Listening podcast, of Relationship Advice with guest speaker Dr Alexandra Solomon.

A great place to start is to examine our own experiences and original childhood and examine what affects us, what we bring to the table for the relationship, and what we want to carry forward. Tip to start is to see during our childhood how do our original family how I handle conflict and how I handle closeness. Relationship is about feel good and getting along, but also about conflict and those closeness.

Sometimes our wound and our partner's wound overlap. We are often attracted to the partner who challenges us in that very heart of our wound - the relationship is like the dance, navigating the dance.

The best thing is to stay curious and learnt about our partner, our partner see the view, and stay curious to see and proactively understand how partner react to the situation. Sometimes when tough times, we just want things to change so the pain goes away. To uncover it, having a partner willing to ask and be curious help, but couples' therapy is very useful. Dose of couple therapy is useful to better understand our pattern and how we deal with each other - recommended when we decide to live together, when we got married, when we have first baby, when the kid starts elementary school, when we raise teenagers, etc. Being married is a dynamic thing, expectations change circumstances change.

When do we walk away? When we have partner who is not willing to work on the relationship and work through the issues. Love humbles people.

Keep the gratitude journal.
Advice to newlyweds: gratitude to our partner, love to have you in my life, everyday.

It's over

You can judge someone's worth by the way they treat other people who is of no use to them.

I am appointed acting leader to stand in the stead of my manager who was leaving the organization with very short notice. I had the greatest regard and affection to him, and I stepped up to lead the team mainly because of that. And mainly because I want to be taking care of the team.

He treated me well as his subordinate although he has his own agenda, and it took me a while. A long while, to really get over and accept the fact of his departure. This morning I woke up with clarity and with reason of why I can't forgive him yet, or accept the fact that I am blue and sad due to this reason. In the week of transitioning him out of the organization.

1. He insisted "I am going" when I was exploring whether he could delay his departure for a week as the week when he was out was the week I am to undergo my medical operations - and I was thinking about the team and transition.
2. He pushed back to my ask of one help to take care of my package which is the cause of my biggest dissatisfaction and even said I pushed him to the corner.
3. He went behind my back and offered no apology other than the lame excuse that he thought  he copied me in the email. I had to wake up at 4am and handled the crisis when I received the escalation from the President of Asia.
4. During the time when I went into business review call that I got pulled into, he went and met with the global head of customer success team without informing me.
5. When I tried to buy him farewell lunch, he said okay but then delayed that because he needed to run his own errand.

Despite of all of that, I worked with the team to prepare his farewell, said positive things in front and behind him, because I am who I am. I am not going to treat people and do disservice to my own integrity. But sometimes I wonder if I am being foolish or naive for still being loyal and steadfast. I guess I am because I want to take care of myself first and not let other people treat me less than who I am. When I ended our transition meeting early, and dismissed it at 2pm I tried to regain my dignity back. Felt a little guilt, but I needed to stand up for myself.

Happiness Project

I am inspired this morning by Gretchen Rubin's post 30 Tips I Use to Make Myself Happier, Right now.

My 30 Tips:

1. View the photos of my niece, Ashley and Beverley
2. Do 10 minutes mindfulness exercise
3. Go for a swim
4. Go for a walk by the Marina Bay
5. Open my financial planning and check my balances
6. Write my diary
7. Go to bed and sleep 10 hours, things always feel better in the morning
8. Go for a cardio - treadmill run, outdoor, body balance, or gentle yoga
9. Smell something good 
10. Eat delicious food with wonderful wine
11. Read some of my poetry collection that Edrina sent me
12. Go hiking
13. Make myself a hot caffeine-free tea
14. Allow myself time to do something totally useless like playing clicker game
15. Make plan for the future: plan a trip, plan a brunch with friend, checkout an investment
16. Reminisce about my happy moments, my area of refuge. When Handy got married. When mom and dad accompany me to Sydney for my surgery. When we took a family holiday to Maldives. When we saw the majestic Manta-ray. When I attended bizapp party in bright blue dress at Bellagio.

Acceptance

At some point, I look back at the fork of life while still facing the path forward. And lament. And want to change.


You can't force people to love you. That is a fact.
You can ask and demand, and face rejection. That is a fact.
You can be given things - all things possible - and that is not enough. That is a fact.
The final thing to do after realization is to accept. Realize what is within my control and what is not. And do what is in my control. That is a fact.
There is a sense of peace, serenity, tinged with a touch of sadness. So painful. So clear. So true.
Goodbye, love.

Learning about my language

Recently I felt a big loss. The loss of connection to one of my most cherished relationship in my life. The loss I felt was profound. But I had a task to overcome it so I have been focused to sort out that area of my life while knowingly ignoring my felling of coping with this loss, hoping time would heal.
Ever since I started, or I should say restarted my mindfulness exercise, I become aware of my present being. My feeling, my unconscious state of being. Those that sometimes stayed buried until moments of stress or anger uncover it as angry bursts of frustrations.

I don't know how people who appear to be emotionally stable cope with that. Why they can seemingly operate without emotion while dealing with so much stress in their life. Their high-stress position. Relationship with others. Relationship with spouse. Dealing with children. Etc. I suppose that's life is about.

Back to my life. After my procedure and while taking a break from work, so bereft of the two source of energy and focus in my life. I woke up these few days in state of sadness. Unbearable sadness. ... I realize perhaps the feeling of sadness and loss is still within me. Even though it's technically already over a month. Even though I tried to charge along. I alternative between getting rid of pain, or succumb to the feeling it and letting all my feelings go all out. Letting go. Making sure I acknowledge every single little feeling in my heart. My emotion richness.

I suppose that's healthy. I hope that's healthy. I alternatively uncover and reflect and remember. Remember the happy moments. Remember the sad moments. Remember what I am owed. Remember my indignant anger. remembering the sweet feeling when things go well. Remembering stuff. AS it trying to carve it into my memory. As it trying to let it all out and to start forgetting. Trying to count my apologies owed. Trying to count reason to move the next step forward.

I suppose what is the point of all of this. That is healthy as a start to try to seek apology. Or that apology i think is healthy for both party. If I don't get apology for the wrong, I can't begin to start forgiving. And the other party apologizes to start removing the guilt. IF that's what they feel at all. If he cares enough or even know how much hurt that stabs me deep inside. I don't know exactly why he did the way he did. Only that doing so robs me of my opportunities and position that I was entrusted to help him. And yet this is the treatment that I got. but there is no appreciation that I got only this treatment as if I am entrusted with opportunities. Which I do not ask for. So, why does this bother me so much. Because I care too much on how I am treated by the other party. No appreciation and being given opportunities. So that's where the disconnect is. maybe its the difference of me seeing the words of affirmation and acts of service rather than gifts.

Positive mindset

This morning at breakfast, I saw whatsapp messages that made me sad again. My team prepared farewell gift to Simon and there were postings about him receiving the gift and at display at his home.
I was disturbed throughout the day. Did not bother analyzing why but tried very hard to acknowledge the feeling and try to be detached by it. It is hard. Easier said than done. Took mom exploring Hyde Park after meeting chatty waiter from Indonesia at Sheraton breakfast. Went to explore ANZAC memorial and traverse along Park street to take photos at Australian museum and St Mary’s Cathedral. Then rushed back to hotel for a bio break and ended up at level 21 Club lounge. Post resting we tooknoff to Intercontinental Double Bay, a classy hotel at suburb. Crowds were gathering as we realize it’s the day of Melbourne Cup, the race that stops the nation. Cross Counter a dark horse won. We walked around neighbourhood and bought our lunch at Coles. Then checked in, after my shot at 5:07 we took off around 6:30 for a beach stroll at nearby sand strip. A beautiful and quiet stroll that took my mind away from sadness and melancoly. I know it is ok to have feelings. I know this is a move towards better. Just sometimes it is hard. Hard to have courage to change things that I can and ought to change. Serenity to accept things that I can’t change. And wisdom to know the difference.

What’s positive today:
Reading. Be wiser and be reminded.
That I have mom right by my side.
That nature, sun, sand and sea is so beautiful and everlasting.

Sydney

In Sydney today for the weekend. Weather is cool, chilly in fact if you are expecting a hot summer. Royal Botanical garden sprinkled with couples, families, tourists. Sydney Opera House still majestically simple. Opera bar full of people and sexy young ladies enjoying the sun and champagne. Circular Quay, just busy.

I am wondering around still in my haze. Haze of heartbrokeness and negotiation. Just enjoy the moment, I tell myself. I am lucky I am alive. Am lucky for this lucky break that this step happens. That this too shall pass. This feeling. Am lucky I am in Sydney today with my mom enjoying a beautiful Sunday in Sydney.

Appreciation of all good things

We can plan and reflect. I am overwhelmed by blessings and my good fortune. Sometimes when things feel uphill, sleep over it, and things look better in the morning.

My lucky feeling comes to this realization as I commenced my treatment for fertility preservation. Anxiously, I have been researching and been reading many articles to learn and research. Been monitoring  my cycle for close to a year now. While I was pining for my cycle to start so that I can the treatment underway, I came to realize that I have been so lucky. Lucky that all my blood test turned out to be well. I am at the top of my health. My ovarian reserve, measured by AMH, is in the good range. And my hormone test FSH, LH, E2, P4 has turned out well.

Things turned out to be positive : Having a supportive family, who came through with me thick and thin. Mom and Dad just came back from their China holiday when I notified them that I needed to apply for Australian visa to come to Sydney with me. They supported without hesitation (after a few questions- yes, understandable). They bear with me through my mood swing along with PMS as I waited anxiously for my cycle and fought work-related stress. Having such fabulous colleagues whom reminded me to stay strong, try to do the right things - which are not always easy, and gave me courage to listen to my heart and soul. Having close friends who celebrated my success and be with me to drink and celebrate hard work and grit.

I am very fortunate to have good people around me in my family, my extended family, and people who know me personally. By no means everyone is good... I deal with jealousy, immaturity, and personal attack all the time. But, I can only see upside when I stay focused on my own reaction and things that I can control. Thank God for that.

Heartpain and sadness

Only time will heal wounds. But why my heart still hopes. My heart sometimes replies and my head corrects. I should be relieved this happens and I can move on with my life.

Feeling and hurt comes after deepest care. But what is illusion and what's infatuation. My young heart still feels the sorrow of departure. My head however insists. Good bye. Good bye.

Poverty and Girls

One of my most profound memory when I was in Cambodia, was at a lunch. A lunch at a simple roadside stall near one of the temple in Angkor Wat complex. A little girl, probably around 8 years old, approached our table to sell various knickknack and souvenirs. We had no need of those, but the girl obviously had nothing else to do so she lingers near our table, circling and at times, playing around the bushes surrounding the stall.

I was curious that she does not attend school. It was past noon time, and a girl at productive age should be attending school. So mom felt sorry for the girl so she gifted her with a collection of pens and pencils that could help her rather than money that she would deposit back to her supplier. The girl was very delighted when receiving the gift. Such a simple and pure innocent look. She bounced around and ran away with her gift.

A while later, she reappeared with the pencils missing, and a bag of sugary drink appeared in her hand that she happily sipped. We were bewildered. Did she exchange her pencils with sugary drink? If so, is this not a poor decision for the small girl. Who protects her from those? Why would adults around her allow that to happen. Worse, how are adults around exploiting small children like these rather than providing children to education and items to promote their livelihood and improve the chance of life.

Twenties

What choices did you make in your twenties that most impact your life today?

At 22 I chose to pursue my Masters degree in Computer Science. That got me out of a small consultancy company, taught me the lesson of negotiation and unfairness in life, and got me some of the best friends in life. Most importantly it launched me on the path today.

At 27 I chose to be frank about my life's direction and chose to be vocal about my rights after working as contractors for 4 year's in capacity. I earned a lot of respect and admiration for standing up for myself.

Thoughout my twenties, I studied hard, worked hard, and spent very little. Avoided partying, clubbing, drugs, and time-wasting. I earned properties in Singapore and Jakarta by the time I was 30.

I studied Computer Engineering, Computer Science, Programming, Choir-singing, Japanese language throughout my twenties.

I learnt biking, swimming, driving, running, and scuba-diving in my twenties.