Appreciation of all good things

We can plan and reflect. I am overwhelmed by blessings and my good fortune. Sometimes when things feel uphill, sleep over it, and things look better in the morning.

My lucky feeling comes to this realization as I commenced my treatment for fertility preservation. Anxiously, I have been researching and been reading many articles to learn and research. Been monitoring  my cycle for close to a year now. While I was pining for my cycle to start so that I can the treatment underway, I came to realize that I have been so lucky. Lucky that all my blood test turned out to be well. I am at the top of my health. My ovarian reserve, measured by AMH, is in the good range. And my hormone test FSH, LH, E2, P4 has turned out well.

Things turned out to be positive : Having a supportive family, who came through with me thick and thin. Mom and Dad just came back from their China holiday when I notified them that I needed to apply for Australian visa to come to Sydney with me. They supported without hesitation (after a few questions- yes, understandable). They bear with me through my mood swing along with PMS as I waited anxiously for my cycle and fought work-related stress. Having such fabulous colleagues whom reminded me to stay strong, try to do the right things - which are not always easy, and gave me courage to listen to my heart and soul. Having close friends who celebrated my success and be with me to drink and celebrate hard work and grit.

I am very fortunate to have good people around me in my family, my extended family, and people who know me personally. By no means everyone is good... I deal with jealousy, immaturity, and personal attack all the time. But, I can only see upside when I stay focused on my own reaction and things that I can control. Thank God for that.

Heartpain and sadness

Only time will heal wounds. But why my heart still hopes. My heart sometimes replies and my head corrects. I should be relieved this happens and I can move on with my life.

Feeling and hurt comes after deepest care. But what is illusion and what's infatuation. My young heart still feels the sorrow of departure. My head however insists. Good bye. Good bye.

Poverty and Girls

One of my most profound memory when I was in Cambodia, was at a lunch. A lunch at a simple roadside stall near one of the temple in Angkor Wat complex. A little girl, probably around 8 years old, approached our table to sell various knickknack and souvenirs. We had no need of those, but the girl obviously had nothing else to do so she lingers near our table, circling and at times, playing around the bushes surrounding the stall.

I was curious that she does not attend school. It was past noon time, and a girl at productive age should be attending school. So mom felt sorry for the girl so she gifted her with a collection of pens and pencils that could help her rather than money that she would deposit back to her supplier. The girl was very delighted when receiving the gift. Such a simple and pure innocent look. She bounced around and ran away with her gift.

A while later, she reappeared with the pencils missing, and a bag of sugary drink appeared in her hand that she happily sipped. We were bewildered. Did she exchange her pencils with sugary drink? If so, is this not a poor decision for the small girl. Who protects her from those? Why would adults around her allow that to happen. Worse, how are adults around exploiting small children like these rather than providing children to education and items to promote their livelihood and improve the chance of life.

Twenties

What choices did you make in your twenties that most impact your life today?

At 22 I chose to pursue my Masters degree in Computer Science. That got me out of a small consultancy company, taught me the lesson of negotiation and unfairness in life, and got me some of the best friends in life. Most importantly it launched me on the path today.

At 27 I chose to be frank about my life's direction and chose to be vocal about my rights after working as contractors for 4 year's in capacity. I earned a lot of respect and admiration for standing up for myself.

Thoughout my twenties, I studied hard, worked hard, and spent very little. Avoided partying, clubbing, drugs, and time-wasting. I earned properties in Singapore and Jakarta by the time I was 30.

I studied Computer Engineering, Computer Science, Programming, Choir-singing, Japanese language throughout my twenties.

I learnt biking, swimming, driving, running, and scuba-diving in my twenties.

My learning #First Week

After receiving news about my manager's shocking departure, I am appointed as the acting lead. I am now officially 48 hours in the acting role. What have I learnt.

That people's trust can go as far as what they need. There is no blind trust in people.
At times of adversity, you learn who your true friends are.
People who matter do not make you cry. And people who make you cry do not matter.
It is important to understand your limit and not overextended yourself.

Pain, Memories, and Learnings

Loss and thought of loss can be as painful as loss experience itself. I want to remember as human's memory is such a fickle thing.

I like feeling I am growing around you.
I respect the way you look for feedback after presentations. Like when we are in F5 partners in Auckland and we presented the strategy for the new year.
I like the way our eyes meet when certain issues or appreciation come up in discussion unplannedly.
I like our mind is the same when I saw you raised issues and shrugged when I look over.
I feel appreciated when someone looked at me at the business class cabin on long flight.
I like the rides to see customers and music over rock playing on the car radio.
I am honored by the way you defended me when I did something silly at LT dinner in Hochiminh.
I am feeling protected when you scolded people with lower EQ over wardrobe dysfunction.
I am feeling sad when you are worried when I had allergic attack. And I felt silly and light-headed for wearing ninja facemask in front of your presentation to Japan LT.
I noticed the way you worry about my physical condition at Orlando LT dinner over jetlag.
I feel valued when you do not hesitate when I need to cut the trip short back to Singapore skipping Melbourne.
I appreciate being able to advice you to take better care of your self through more regular exercises.
I think the presentation at Business Central Bangkok resonated well and I told you when you finished presentation.
I admired that you feel my loneliness in India when I was not invited to team drinks at Gurgaon.
I feel the trip is more worthwhile when we have moments such as laughing racing through Changi terminal.
I am so touched when you looked me concernedly when I lost my laptop in Beijing flight.
Or when I lost my laptop in Malaysia after customer meeting in that Angry Bird room.
At the late night flight over from HK to Beijing you nudged apologetically over the call with Australia I feel touched.
Or when you gave me option to fly back when I was stuck in Narita for more than 24 hours after snowstorm, I feel relieved and supported.
Or when you encouraged me to be on video for China launch video recording when you were the star, I was secretly happy and embarrassed at the same time.
When we laugh about windshield googles in a car stuck in traffic in India.
I feel the need to ask and action when you prompted what I am saving for about my dream vacation in Hawaii and Botswana and Maldives.
You gave me opportunity to present at all Hands to elevate my presence.
Encouraged me to talk in front of partners meetings in Japan, Las Vegas, Taiwan.
When you shared that you feeling bad about being viewed older and I related to that as that's what I was feeling 10 years ago inside, and I want to assure you the focus is keeping yourself happy.
When you proudly showed your family especially the young one in his cuteness, I know as busy executive there are people who still keep family as important thing.
I appreciate the fun with colleagues like in Giraffe in Auckland amidst the soft light and late night calls.
I wanted to console when asking whether you are sure to skip the opportunity to meetup with your parents in Melbourne given the work schedule, oh what sacrifices.
Or at long and tiring day with partners, team, leadership, coaching experiences, from early morning to late night dinner with intense business discussions, parting at the lift to get a restful night.
When we planned for Bangkok offsite, the team was scattered and in beginning phase of healing and coming together again. At Ho Chi Minh, the team was coming together through rain-soaked adventure through LT huddle, Ho Chi Minh city, and Star Wars night.
I feel like a team when we won award together and I was speechless by people's recognition.
At Kuala Lumpur, team was expanded stronger, and we get together in team shirt and loud drumbeat. I am emboldened and humbled by our team's journey.
I feel so painful to hear your almost fatal experience at deepwater in Miami coast.
I hope you are able to stay true most of the time to your journey to wellness.
I appreciate also how hard you find it around people's discussion and part of me understood that very well and appreciate how relieved you are in some discussions when it turned out well for people.
I feel gratified that skeptic people are now starting to see lights of your brand of leadership in such a short time, and I am truly grateful to have been part of bringing that to reality.
I feel so proud when I meet people who were in events you presented and they told me how good you were.
And I have many more moments like this that my mind kept in.... perhaps.

Thank you for memories and for teaching me how to be more gracious and better personal leader.
I am sad as I so enjoyed working with you, boss, and I will miss times together create memorable moments like these, beyond the grind of tiring and demanding daily work. The last year has been one of my favorite year ever in my life and I want to feel positive that the best is yet to come (after I overcome my sense of bearing at this sense of true loss). We are both alive after all and expect will do very well in our respective career or life quest we set our mind to do, and for that is truly one gracious and meaningful fact of life's journey.

I have learnt to rely so much on your strength and that's because there are moments when I feel scared and not as strong as I appear to be, and those borrowed strength felt like a lifeline to me. I will do what I can to ensure I support you towards your next chapter of this career step that seems to make you happier and empowered and free. Including taking steps to take away the guilt of leaving the team behind and impact to the morale.

I wish you well. I wish you lots of blessings, joy, excitement to decorate your days. I wish you lots of strength, grace, and courage. Mostly I wish you happiness. Wish me the same.

Personal Growth

I am kept awake all night because of upheaval of emotion that is surging through my mind and heart right now. However, reflecting on my past year experience, it has been a year of tremendous professional and personal growth. Through pain, tears, and sweats I feel a bit burned out, and ready to take a break actually. But with the recent feeling, I feel the need to channel this energy and restlessness to something productive. This is an excellent article by Ben Casnocha, about the time he spent supporting Reid Hoffman as his Chief of Staff. I copied here for learning purposes but what an insightful article.

http://casnocha.com/reid-hoffman-lessons by Ben Casnocha
 

Relationship Advice

• Find a little perspective: Focus on why you fell in love with your partner and what you want your life to become like together. Even better, tell your partner this without any expectations of them doing the same.
• Start to repair the damage: Apologize for your part in any misunderstanding. Don't defend why you did or didn't do this or that. Offer a simple, heartfelt apology without expecting one from them. This seriously can work wonders.
• Be brave enough to go first: Be willing to apologize to your partner first instead of waiting for them to make the first move.
• Stop waging war: Stop doing anything that's causing harm to your partner or injures your feeling of connection. This might simply mean showing a little more patience, compassion and kindness.

The happiness and success of any relationship is reflected in the little things you do (and fail to do) for each other. Don't let your relationship fall apart like so many couples do. Today, make a fresh start. Choose to do something that moves you out of the past and imagines a brighter future together.

Taken from article here Credit.

You are not such a big deal

This is the concept I learnt that changed my life. Whenever I encounter difficulties, or shy away from attempting something because I am too "introverted", or "my life is difficult because no one understands me", or "I cannot be successful in finding relationship because I am intimidating, successful, speak well, travel too much, etc", this is the dogma that I kept repeating in my head.

It helps.

It helps to break away from the box sometimes I found myself in. Or feeling sorry for myself. Or from being afraid to dance to the tune of life. The Oprah book What I know for sure that I have been reading has been good and affirmative as well. You don't need men to be happy or to validate yourself. First love yourself. And the greatest love you can give yourself is experience life in the fullest. Not afraid of failure. Just try. Experience. Live. And push the envelope while you fail or succeed. But the key is to live the live rather than focusing on the outcome.

I also tried to fix my relationship problem. By reading about new skills. About validating ourselves. That's the key message of the book I hear You, by Michael Sorensen. I am trying to practice that.

Finally I am learning new habit. Forming new ones, thru 5 Seconds rule.

Links to these wonderful books:

• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson
• What I Know For Sure by Oprah Winfrey
• I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships by Michael S. Sorensen
• The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage by Mel Robbins
• The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever by Michael Bungay Stanier

This Weekend

Is mom's birthday. We will be going out to celebrate with Sunday brunch buffet at TripleThree, one of the best international buffet in Singapore. I am relatively strung this week, with offsite coming up next week, missing our Saturday's night date, and with my boss' birthday on Monday.

I have also been reading copiously - alternatively between I hear You by Michael Sorensen, What I know for sure by Oprah Winfrey, and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman. Went for swim yesterday and woke up energized whole day because of that.

On Tuesday, met up with Eunice who is a dear old friend. She is moving roles, and will take approx 1 month break from work and spending sometime with her hubby in Tianjin. She looks young and happy! I am feeling that she is relieved from getting out of current role, and the fact that hospitalization due to recent health scare is over.

Also I was "duped" into attending Henry's family day at Rolls Royce. We went to their manufacturing tour, which is cool!

What I am grateful for today August 25, 2018 at 7am

• I am grateful for my family,
• The feeling of jazz music flowing softly through my living room at 7am Saturday morning
• I am grateful to be with and observe how my boss work those calls - tough with work - and with our apac stu and apac ssm
• Grateful that my team admin Rohaini and everyone is working towards making the offsite successful, yesterday
• Grateful that I am feeling special to be able to make someone blush and shy and for being able to give my time to support and be there, yesterday
• Grateful to be alive and life is still rolling
• Grateful to be watching an episode of grace and frankie - about touching wedding of robert and sol and the question about making wish.

New Fiscal Year 2019

Today is the start of new fiscal year. Looking back FY18 had been a year full of work, learnings, relationship, and making a new self. Lots have happened since I wrote back in April after my Maldives holiday.

Most recently, I had frank conversation about my insecurities, my sensitivity to reactions, overthinking about responses of people, and my intolerance to incompetence. I cried multiple times during bouts of depression and sadness and I know yet a decision to be made in terms of what I want to do moving forward.

But, it is nice to pause and reflect and celebrate. For another year of well done work and tireless work of building foundation. Creating something special out of nothing. Creating a sense of belonging and team, and environment where people can be happy, productive, and perform.

I spent overnight reading Quora, check my finances, looking for investment options. Trying to enrich myself spiritually, and emotionally. Letting my thinking and rational process free for a moment. I love the feeling of letting go and letting down hair for a moment. So looking forward for my holiday in Los Angeles with my parents before heading to Ready in Las Vegas.

Holiday in Maldives

Wow, Maldives is really beautiful. The chain of atoll looks like emerald encircling blue-green water. So clear water and natural white sandy beach. Clear air that you can count stars and bright moon appear pure and serene. Bliss. Sun sea sand and coconuts make this paradise. After 10-day holiday it is amazing how much nothing-planned turned out to be full of delights and surprise.

First view at the sea in front of airport terminal

Day 0, Friday I had full day of work then went home at 6. Started count down at 4 while lunching with KS. Uneventful SQ flight, almost full. Arrived and met mom dad Henry whose Scoot flight was delayed by more than an hour. Waited another hour for our local guide to guide us to a comfortable SUV over 10mins ride to Hulmale. Our guest house is modest with haphazard service, we were allocated 202 and 302 on different floors. Feel asleep at 12am local time.


Day 1, Saturday arrived at Royal Island and spa. We took local domestic flight and was asked to standby at airport from 930 for 1115flight which was delayed by an hour.

Propeller plane ATR-72 used on the domestic flight

The flight itself is only 20mins and we flew low on propeller plane over rings of atoll atop Maldives archipelago.

Arrived and was ushered to a van towards local jetty. Was served coconut water decorated with a pink hibiscus. Went to Jetty at back and tried snorkelling. However, since it's the first day I was apprehensive and holding on to the rail to attempt to float without a life jacket.

Clear water and sea

Day 2 Sunday, Sunrise view relax by the pool in a group of 3-lounge chairs.

Sunrise on the Earth day 22 Apr 2018

Resilience today

Today I learnt about networking, women and diversity, and about judgmental people.

3 things that are positive today, to focus and get better:

1. The networking was better than I thought.
2. I was able to get to know more people and more positive women from GE, Caterpillar, Stanchart, HP and HPE, and Thompson-Reuters.
3. Tips on how to build confidence, saying no, and outside-in perspective.

Movies this trip

Flew SQ home to Jakarta for Ceng Beng weekend, then onward to Sydney via transit thru Singapore, and returned home on late night flight.

Movies I watched these round are superb: Phantom Thread, I, Tonya, and Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri.

Bangkok for conference

I am in taxi while braving Bangkok traffic in morning to conference at AVANI hotel. Ups and downs are so exhausting but if I remember Optimism training. 3 good things that happened yesterday:

• Great planning session and brainstorming design into FY19 with Simon and team
• Conversation was great with Nathan W and Laurent and got lots of things done
• Catching up with old friends
• Being there in Partners conference

Confidence

4 step process "Creating Epic Thought List"

1. Negative thought
2. Are they real, are they something that has been bothering for long time
3. Positive thought
4. Anchor to path success .... back the positive idea. Make it real

front load ahead of time. so when we get challenge we can move quickly.

Stop caring for others think of me.

Negative thoughts:

1. they won't like me because
2. they will bypass me because 
3. they will think I don't know my stuff

are they real or due to my insecurities. Stop caring about what others think of me.

positive thoughts:

1. do my research. prepare what likely a person need to know. listen
2. be present - nailing it
3. my listening skill and ability to follow up has been proven success

Cantucci e Vin Santo

I love this dessert. Cantucci, which is the hard biscotti from Tuscany commonly interleaved with almond. And perfectly dipped slowly into a glass of amber liquid Vin Santo, Tuscany white wine.

Negroni is another Italian cocktail, with campari and vermouth. Truffle negroni at the hotel in Milan was amazing.

Truffle Negroni - amazing

3 Good things

3 good things that happen today:

• Went out and caught up with Xu Jin after 2 months.
• Discussed and got new perspective about relationships.
• Bonded with mom during walk home and get to hear deeply about her feelings and relationship with her sister.

Optimism

Optimism: Belief something good is about to happen.

People who focus on just good things happening throughout the day, and list 3 good things at night, experience more positiveness, and better mood. If they share with their partners, they experience increase in marital satisfaction, or relationship satisfaction.

Good things that happen today:

• Dad and mom got green vegetable specially cooked for dinner tonight, for me.
• The call this morning with Adrian,YC, and Rohaini went well.
• Adrian called me to consult on a tricky issue.

Training.

Day trip to Bergamo

It has been cold in Europe this week. Our offsite at Lake Maggiore has been wonderfully busy but the summer town was almost empty and the blanket of cold gentle wind swept the lakeside with relentless and beautiful snow.

My room at Grand Hotel Dino 198 has balcony that overlook the Alps. The town was almost empty and our dinner is the only opportunity to get away from hotel. Our first day dinner is at Piccolo Lago. And the second one at restaurant hotel with good cheap Italian wine.

We then transferred to Milan downtown area. Staying at NH Moscova Palazzo. 10mins walk from Milan office and the Porto Garibaldi train station. I changed my plan from Cinque Terre to Bergamo instead. There is hourly train from P. Garibaldi that leaves 31mins past hour on regionale train, cost 4,80 Euro. The train left on time and off we go.