Gaming

Today I'm awake at 4am... can't sleep. My emotion is in turmoil. I wonder can your feeling get attached to someone that you know over game? apparently my soft heart does. Yes I admit it in the full glory, I have a squishy softie heart. I lay with broken heart, as I mourn a loss of a dear friend in the game that I have dedicated time in the last 10 months. He was the only reason I continued playing when I wanted to quit several times, especially late 2021 and early this year.

I pray and hope for a strength in my heart, to overcome this feeling. My rational mind trying to console myself by rationalizing that this happens for a reason, and must be a good reason. I prayed in the Buddhist temple on May 1st and suddenly this happened immediately after. This must be a god-sent gift. That he quit playing. Maybe he is a player. Maybe he already married and had a wife and kids. Maybe he got attached during his trip to Malaysia. The fact that he quit suddenly without bothering to let me know himself means he only cared about himself. He took decision to travel without prior notification, meaning that either his decision was not planned or he didn't bother to tell. Was he stressed? Did I do thing to add to his stress? Did I do anything wrong.

All these thoughts flying away, I found normally means that I overthinking certain things. Because a lot of thing that people do often relates to what happened to him. Not because of what happened to me. The gaming chat is only a sliver in people's life, and I often wonder what happened to the others' fuller life. I am still curious about him. Wanted to meet him and see how he looked like. Want to know more. But it's over now. The funny thing is I worry about the things I said in case I did something wrong. Maybe I did nothing wrong. Things happened. 

As a celebration of this virtual relationship, I will celebrate the encounter from the cave of Dokebi. I celebrate getting to know this man. I cherish finding him kind-hearted but non-sense. He can be sweet at times and persistent like getting me to join his guild. I really like that he treat me like normal human being. I appreciate that he helped me to level my characters. Laugh at my jokes like I laugh at his and celebrate his 3rd job achievements. Thank you for the memory, the care and the recommendation of the Modern Family and Elite. I will forever laugh at the manga he mentioned he read about picking up girls at dungeon, to which he shyly replied. I cherish the twitter in my heart when he asked who I was having staycation with.

Now, hoping to move on. I couldn't sleep. And decided to delete all games in my iphone. Okay, all except 5. It took a while. I figured I might as well learn from this episode, and get inspired by taking active and positive step towards my gaming time.

Thank you for the memories. Let my heart mourn this loss and heal this broken heart. I will wait for 1 month, I have decided. Then when my heart heals, it will be time to move on.

Restaurant Euphoria

We went with my best friends Lisa and Ming to restaurant Euphoria last Friday night. 3.5 hours dinner full of laughter and good times.

Ming encountered a traffic accident on her route home to restaurant, so she decided to drive. A brave decision after incident she encountered during her journey dealing with her diabetic condition. And she was late as a result of convoluted CBD traffic rules and circumstances of Friday-night parking. So Lisa and I were able to catch up between us for a while. We discussed about our past, as well as I shared with her my discovering on psychology of self-shaming as well as we touched on some of her experiences dealing with choosing to go on her own path on a job offer, a while ago.

I will post some pictures later on when my photos are uploaded to OneDrive. What compelled me to write this blog now is that I am reading the blog written by a lady in Sydney, about FIRE. Her blog was written as she discovered FIRE movement (Financial Independence, Retire Early) a bit late although she was only in her late forties: https://www.latestarterfire.com/.

 

Sunday morning and The Mitchells vs. the Machines review

This morning after a walk to Bread and hearth, and the Keong Saik Bakery, I watched the Mitchells vs the Machines, that was released in Netflix instead of theatre release due to Covid situation. I like its originality and spirit. The Mitchells is a "weird" family who struggles with father-daughter relationship, with personality that sticks to their originality rather than trying to fit-it. Although it is not trying too hard to depicts the strangeness of the family, the sense I got is that each person in the family was just free to explore their individual passion, and try hard to live life. It also tries to depicts the machine with AI trying to take over the world, although I felt that was just the plot to provide the unifying purpose for the journey the family has undertaken to fix its broken relationships.

It's very therapeutic to do morning walk, and lately the summer wind in Singapore has made the early morning bearable. Perhaps the air is also fresher and clearer without the usual traffic.

Display case at Keong Saik Bakery

Early morning at Chinatown

View of People's Park Centre

Super quiet market during phase 2

Kopi-O Kosong from hawker's coffee the 1950's

Savoury butter croissant perfect breakfast item with coffee

It's a fitting family movie for a sunny Sunday morning.

Selections from the Bread and Hearth and Keong Saik Bakery with black coffee (Kopi-O)

Witches of the Orient

Yesterday I went and watched by myself the movie "The Witches of the Orient" at Oldham Theater, at Asian Film Archive, a new show I just discovered uring the semi-lock down that we are under right now. I woke up to the news that Hong Lim market is being closed for 2 weeks due to emergence of a new Covid19 cluster there... and I recall the romantique film being made by French moviemaker that is unique than Korean, Japanese, or American style of film making. The movie is semi-documentary although the story it depicted is true, about the trial and triumph of the women's volleyball team that went to dominate 1960's culminating in gold in Tokyo Olympics 1964.

Therapist Uncensored

 Recently I love learning podcast, especially some of very interesting one such as Ear Biscuits and Therapist Uncensored. The podcast explored relationship, attachment, and therapy.

The podcast I am listening now is about Attachment Avoidance and Difficulty Opening Up: trauma, avoidance with Robert T. Mueller. It talks about Avoidance as solution and self-deception, as well as how trauma shows up in our relationship, our childhood experiences, and that sometimes multiple trauma system interlocks. With Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP and Ann Kelley PhD. 

Sometimes working it out, while sitting with discomfort, and taking personal risk in safe environment.

I then recall some strong emotion for example, whether in terms on how my parents communicate to each other, or shows disagreement, or resolve conflict. Or in terms on my relationship with my ex-housemates at the end of my university years, and whether I have a lot of unresolved anger and fear in my heart about relationship. Or about my relationship with my ex-boyfriends, or with my ex-colleagues.

Does my past relationship make me just throw past relationship behind, and move on?

First fine dining out meal after June2021 semi-lock down

Finally, after 6 weeks of semi-lock down, I met up with AP for Japanese dinner. Been looking forward to this catch up! Last time we gathered for yakitori & izakaya-theme dinner at Yatagarasu for mine's and Ming's birthday celebration and the country went to lock-down prohibiting dining out when we were going to celebrate AP's birthday.

Sakemaru Artisan sake hideout is a nice place, even nicer now with spacious bubble around each dining group. We chose seats at counter, which is the best as we can see the chef in action! There are humongous display fridges lining up both sides of entrances full of sake selections, each with small accompanying notes.

As part of our mission to elevate the global standards of Saké, the SAKEMARU Artisan Sake Hideout is a concept dining experience to showcase our extensive range of exclusive artisanal Saké alongside modern Japanese Kappo-style cuisine here in Singapore.

The menu is interesting. The opening salvo was a raw-fish-in-season-that-i-forgot-the-name (shult?) that came seared perfectly with brown rich.

Firefly squid as starter: Seasoned well, and seared to perfection, the bite-sized squid came with tomatoes and mushroom all   

The fig mascarpone was unfortunately out of stock, but somehow the chef sent a complimentary order perhaps because detecting our disappointment when the hokkaido corn was also out of stock! Likely, out of his omakase supply :)

The fish somen was exquisite, it's light and the jelly-like broth complement the somen with fresh roe.

The best is ama-ebi which came large size, with raw golden egg yolk with soy-like sauce.

For main, we ordered simmered tender beef tongue. It came with squid-ink sauce, and tongue so tender, I didn't believe it's the body part. Unfortunately the taste is a bit bland, perhaps a bit overcooked?

For sake, we had a charafe of Kasaichiyo casareccio Omachi 50, which I enjoyed a lot. It is perfect as starter sake and has a pleasant floral like aroma. It goes down well especially with sashimi and light dishes.

We then ordered a bottle of Shirakiku Mirror Mirror Muraku Genshu, an Honjozo Junmai. It is a new conceptual sake made of apple yeast and black koji. Thus has a sourish taste, but goes down pleasant and dry. My friend spotted Shuhari which we would like to try - it's rare artisan sake from Okamoto village Yamadashiki Usunigori Nama.

Overall, I remember the chat, gossip with one of my bestest, and wisest friend in the world. We talked about our own blind spot, pacing in life and career, and shared some anecdotes about experiences working in different environment with slower pace, and about enterprise business applications.

Looking forward to next catch up!

A tremendous sense of gratitude for the night out.

 

Upgrade your brain

 I attended 1.5 days part of the BD Academy in my new company. Day 2 features Jim Kwik, with his interesting delivery about how to upgrade brain and with his 10 tips on morning to upstart your brain. He introduces his concept of FAST (Forget, Active, State, Transcendence).

Forget =:

Our brain is terrible at multi-tasking. Can only function at one cognitive function at a time. 2-3 minutes task switching time.

Active =:

I think this is about our brain remembers more when creating.

State =:

Our brain remembers with emotion i.e. State-dependant.

Transcendence =:

Cross the "trans" - auto functioning. For example, use your other hand to activate focus.

Therapy

 Listening to podcasts of Ear Biscuits by Rhett and Link, I am listening to easy-going chat about Enneagrams, Multi-level marketing, and Therapy.

Therapy is cheaper... just scratching the surface when you start. You start uncovering behavioral pattern, perhaps, coming from your childhood or unconscious brain.

My Golden Life

Sometimes things happen in your life that prompts reflection. This week is the last week before I rejoined the workforce. As I binge-watch the Kdrama My Golden Life from 2018.. I am touched by the struggles of ordinary people, of the feeling of injustice, unfair life, and humiliation of daily struggles when you have to feel struggles every day without the space to breathe. I am also reminded of every day you need to take step forward, at least to try, to be aware of your purpose, remember the passage of time, grow yourself, and seek happiness. Every characters in the drama is depicted in its nuance, not just black-and-white. Everyone is not born perfect, or good in every way. The characters however, like in any good drama, would grow, learn from their mistakes, and tackle with resilience, hard work, and passion.

This week is the last week of my sabbatical. I have come to enjoy the carefree life, and seek happiness in studying and growing my mind, which I discover give me a lot of joy. I am stretching myself in a new role, in a new company, with quite likely a different culture. But I am ready for that. I want to give it my best shot. The best is yet to come!

Update: March 15.

After marathon session, I finally finished up 52 episodes of this family drama. The gripping story lines, as well as some shocking cliff-hanger at the end of each episodes ensure that the audience is hooked. I watched the KBS award show and learnt that the series won many awards including the screenwriter, lead actress, and the lead actors of both the male protagonist and the father. Plus it was nominated for top new actor and other supporting actress as well for the sister and the mother. I do think that the second half of the show was not as good as the first half, possibly contributed or contributing to the health issues that the screenwriter experienced during award show in the new year of 2017. 

I am taking away a lot of the struggles of the standard people. But also the character development shows that people can change, grow, and be happy by realizing and leading their own golden life. The achievement, big company, large salary all contribute to a secure life, however if achieving all these is costing mental sanity, values, as well as family, then it is time to re-examine your life and have a truly heartfelt conversation with people whom might be selfish and hurt you. 

It makes me happy to just watch the simple relationship of the youngest brother and the youngest child of the Choi family versus the complicated and heart-aching relationship that the lead actor and actress have. Although you wholeheartedly support them, and the complexity makes the plot, sometimes simplicity is... well, just simple, pure and enjoyable.

Watching the middle-aged couples, I do crave for the longevity of relationship, when you grow old and hopefully wiser by sharing your lives together. It is not always a guarantee that you will lead a sweet life together, but I think the odds and likelihood of that happening is decidedly higher than when you are single.

Mr Queen

Mr Queen has interesting story lines, memorable characters, and great OST. The main character is feisty, but unfortunately it is showing that the body of Kim So-Young (actress Shin Hye-sun) was possessed by a spirit of a man to be breaking down the tradition and show what a Queen can do. 

Shin Hye-sun and Kim Jung-hyun

I love the outstanding King, played by actor Kim Jung-hyun whom I am championing as I feel a bit sorry for seeing his character as Alberto, in Crash Landing into You met undesirable ending.

Most importantly, the show gave great weight on a King's reputation but showed the steely resolved for people trying their best in the situation that they were in, whether being a puppet king, caring for the suffering of the people, a misplaced lady in weird situation, fighting for survival and love and many memorable characters among them, including the court ladies, prince, special director, friends, cousin and consort. 

Link to video.

Kdrama Alice

 

It's a compelling drama about time-travel and its implications. I like the chemistry and sweetness between the characters Yoon Tae Yi (Kim Hee Seon) and Park Jin Gyeom (Joo Won), as well as other supporting characters such as Reporter Kim (Lee Da In), Alice's agent Yoo Min Hyuk (Kwak Si Yang), the buddy police of Lieutenant (Lee Jae Yoon), and Team Leader Goo (Kim Sang Ho).

It also explores them of mother's love and self-sacrifice. And, of course for a time-travel series, the concept of parallel universe. The series resolve itself in a way, that is poignant although doesn't always make perfect sense. However the concept of space that stores the memories and emotion is a soft and tender way to remind us living in a world of crisis and slower pace.

Nainai's Death Anniversary

 Today in conversation, it came up that today's is Nainai's death anniversary. Nainai is Chinese term for the mother of my father, my grandma from father's side. We also called Nainai, A Ma. It must have been 25 years or so since A Ma's passed on. 

In Hokkien tradition, we call the day "cho ki", or remembrance. Remembering death anniversary normally started when the person passed on. Instead of celebrating the birthday, when the person lived, the tradition is to start "celebrating" the death anniversary as the day to remember the deceased on the day to start the new chapter in circle of life.

I am googling what the tradition normally does on such a day. I remember we would cook a feast and remember the loved one to pass the day.

Leap of Faith

I dreamed that I was a little girl, standing on the edge of precipitance, staring into wide expense of bright lights dotted with greeneries, buildings, houses, and green field of the earth. A wide unknown yet it beckons.

Since young, I have always been terrified yet slightly excited at the prospect of a jump. When I leap and my feet couldn't find a firm foundation. The feeling of not being grounded without a safety net.

This is the feeling that I have right now. When finally, the reality, that I am leaving a company that I have toiled in for 11 years, sinks in. Acceptance of reality brings calm and peaceful state of mind.

I guess I had still be in denial and negotiation. But finally, today, the day before New Year's eve and my last day of employment, I accept this reality.

It is scary to not feeling like I have a safety net. That everything under my feet is unclear and unstable. Yet I am also equally terribly excited, and terribly nervous of the prospect of what there is to come.

Too long that I have felt cozy and safe. It is time again to leap into the unknown. And grab the best opportunities that I encounter. Only this time, I know what I want the best. And while I am on the way there, I am going to enjoy every moments of this journey of life.

 

Today I watched NYT analysis of the shooting of Breonna Taylor

The analysis was thorough and thoroughly damning. It is so reckless and poor execution of members of police forces who are trusted with firepower and intelligence.

I feel sad today that the world is so unfair. And I am feeling blessed and fortunate that no such thing negative happens to me.

I am blessed, grateful, and happy.

Workview reflection on 30 Nov

In reading the book Designing your life, one of the exercise is to write down a short reflection about my Workview. It supposed to address:

Why work?

What is work for?

What does work mean?

How does it relate to the individual, others, society?

What defines good or worthwhile work?

What does money have to do with it?

What does experiences, growth, and fulfillment have to do with it?

My Workview reflection on 30 Nov

Work is something that I want to do for my whole life. I love the feeling of putting hours in, giving it all I got so it stretches my mind, thinking, horizon, physically even, so that I can sit back at the end of day feeling fulfilled and proud that I have put my efforts in, and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I love to earn my living, so do something, learn, growth, and achieve things that I couldn't do before or I didn't know possible. If I fail, I would be sad as I didn't achieve but I should reframe that in the context of my learning experience. I also need to justify the part where I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor, in the sense that I need to earn them. But not so much. I want to provide to my family. I want to make them proud, achieve more recognition. I am perfection in the sense not to do things perfectly, but to be better and better. Give it the best I got. Why work? That's what we do as human: contribute to self, through self-improvement plus provide for physical need, be mentally challenged, soul nourishing, and to afford to do things for fun) a swell as contribute to family, others, and society (such as being mentor, and grow people). What is good and worthwhile work? 1) Challenging= stretch, 2) Achieve more = learn and be better, 3) Learn from the best and better people or through books, 4) Be compensated well, 5) Help others build on top of my work to achieve themselves, 6) Create Network of friends - my self work + grow self and others.

  

Reflecting on my 1:1 with Simon

 I reflected on the conversation, and about how different people gave advice. Some leaders are more caring and genuinely interested in making you successful. Other leaders gave you point of view, often drawn from their experiences, so you can draw your own conclusion. The first method gave you faster action and teaches you new perspective. The latter method depends on your own analysis to think and teach you how to think.

I also sensed from the conversation that he mentioned it took a  year to learn new organization, and that you have to be clearer on what you are going to get from the new role in a new organization. And at the same time, consider that the new role will draw from your existing experiences and core strength.

I sense that he talked a lot about his own experiences, that serves both ways, for others to get to know him accomplishment more and how he thinks, and also provides credibility and examples to his advice.

Overall, I would say he is taking a hands-off approach. Doesn't offer help further or to keep in touch. But that is exactly what I would expect. He did say that if there's any suitable opportunities he would flick it over but also that opportunities that he came across is not what I would be looking for.

Now the thinking trap that I must be wary about today is the all for nothing thinking. It is good that we establish a connection after 2 years. That's positive, that's it and the liberty of thinking about it that way gives me a relief and something to focus on right now, which is to chart my new path.

Getting out of thinking trap

 Today’s challenge on LumiHealth is to address thinking trap. It defines some of destructive thinking pattern to get out of, and our task is to write our thoughts down and be concious of them.

I had a succesful chat about a role in an org that I wanted to work for. On the other hand, the chat to explore another org is not that great. Why? Maybe I am jumping to conclusion. I sense some frustration but it could be the person is really trying to help and need a more specifics. It could be that she doesn’t know enough details and be confident. 

The thinking trap describes the following pattern to watch out for:

1. Jumping to conclusions

2. All or nothing thinking

3. Over-generalization

4. Confirmation bias

5. Emotional thinking.

The wellness exercise encourages us to write down our thoughts and come up with as many positive thoughts that I can.

Some things I am grateful for this week:

Great chat and coaching from Sook Hoon. Be prepared and go nail the time to be productive and impress the other party.

Good connection with Lisa.

Positive progress and support from Ali.

Great call with Su Yim a leader that I admire.

Ok chat re-establishing connection with Ricky.

I tried making Coq Au Vin

Nicely crispy martabak manis with dark chocolate and cashews

Beautiful flowers from team, arranged by Sharon.

So much to be thankful for!

Caring leadership

 I am so touched by the model, coach, care that was demonstrated to me by 2 senior female leaders, that I almost teared up on the call. One is someone whom I know for 16 months, and one in a recent conversation. I know they have strong agenda and yet they leave me at the end of the conversation full of energy and strength in spirit to carry on and with resilience.

I am so thankful and blessed, and I hope someday I can sincerely be one like them and pay it forward.

Instances for work harrassment

I am contemplating whether I should file complaint to HR about stressful work environment and work harassment. I am now start documenting as I tended to let go of things, but my manager is not someone who is a leader that live by values of Microsoft. 

Hi Jason,

I alluded to facts that the work environment had been challenging. Now as we moving forward, I think there's situation and behavior that I think as HR, it is crucial for you to know.

• In February 2020, I wrote an email to my manager how I felt I needed space and let him know better my trigger. For full disclosure my mail is attached. He rang me and his opening line was "Your email is a waste of my time." He then proceeded me to lecture me in harsh tones mentioning repeatedly that I was very rude and how I was very wrong. I must still have the record on how long the conversation was about 1.5 hours perhaps. I felt so small after that conversation, and started having self-doubt about speaking out my feeling. This example of manager's behavior is so against Microsoft value of respect that I expect more from a Microsoft executive exhibits. 
• My manager gave me feedbacks multiple times that "you created unnecessary tension", most of the time in harsh and condescending tone. There was a time when he stated his feedback in reasonable tone is a weekly sync-up between my manager, executive admin, and myself. I initially took that feedback very much to heart and thus often second guessed myself when I was about to offer my recommendations. I started to have self doubt and feel the lack of self worth of being deemed unnecessary was so disempowering. 
• Looking back, in the context of the 3 recent examples that my manager provided, I have observed that he judged my voice as unnecessary and I created friction when I tried to offer advice. 
• Let me explain each of these examples.

1. In Starbucks project I was becoming aware that he didn't have regular review for delivery which was becoming critical. In our 3-way weekly sync-up meeting with my manager, the admin assistant and me, my manager asked me to follow up with Delivery Director that he would like to know the status of Starbucks project. I suggested my manager to join delivery review and discuss this with our Delivery Director directly and offered to have our admin assistant, who was in the meeting, to set this up. My manager became aggressive as my suggestion and mentioned that he would follow up directly with Delivery Director. 
2. Immediately after that conversation, I had 1:1 discussion with my manager for the second review of a presentation deck that my manager would present in this 1:1 with his manager, Omar. I presented the draft of key deals information. I let him be aware that we utilized information available from MSX sellers comment, pursuit data, as well as a review with Sales Director and Pursuit Leader. He gave feedbacks that the information was not good enough. I let him know that the view I am presenting came from the Sales Director and Pursuit Leader. As collecting more information from the field is randomizing, I then suggested having a call directly with the team to be clear on what's expected. My manager became aggressive and said if I cannot collect information then what good of me being a Business Manager. At that point the Sales Director was on paternity leave. He then proceeded to compare my work with field Sales excellence lead, which I explained that as Timezone role, we need to be clear on why we are collecting information and what we do with the information we collected.
3. The third example he claimed that I was late in providing information about Headcount that he requested. I sent him the information on Sept 9th on the same day that he requested a prioritization of this task at 10:46am. As context, he called me to prioritize this and explained why this is important to share with his manager and Microsoft Asia leader. I immediately prioritized, and sent aggregate information after a validation with Finance. During the phone conversation with my manager, I raised my concern that this information about the headcount conversation would have been settled during budgeting discussion. That our focus should be looking forward. By re-escalating this, I was very concerned that we would be seen as defensive on our challenges of not being able to meet growth ambition. He responded that I should leave the task of managing stakeholders to him, and thus I complied and provided the information at 11:26am, and another set of requested information based on September actual at 3:26pm.

There are two people in a conversation, and above is my point of view of the conversation. There is a pattern here. It is when I am speaking out with my point of view on doing in way that might be better for the business. I personally think that preparing two weeks for internal presentation is a lot of unproductive time consumed. Yet I know it is important so I actively try to look for ways to deliver what's expected with the least amount of time by minimizing random request impacting the team and the field. If I have wrong view, coach me. But having a voice is not unnecessary and I have been so disempowered that finally in early September I decided that it was the time for me to start looking for my next role.

•  I delivered on all my core priorities during FY20 under 3 different leaders. I adapted and tried to adapt as I know that the requirements for business manager by each leader is different. My manager called me to provide his feedbacks on May 5th. I asked my manager then whether he was looking for a Yes man. I mentioned that I am not a Yes man so if that's what he was looking for, I wanted to know. He answered that a Yes man is not what he was looking for in this role and that he expected me to bring my perspective and point of view to things. So I stayed on, worked on his feedback, and delivered on my accountability according to his clarifications. I think Integrity in this case is very important. The Services business today and a year ago when I was hired is very different. Furthermore, the requirement for a role would shift. It is very important to engage continuously to validate priority and expectation. But if the goalpost keeps on changing without clear communication, this is not the right setup for success. Worse, if my manager was looking for characteristic of a person whom would not offer opinion, then please have integrity to say so, be so, assess if this is the right thing to do for the business, and find the right person for the job. 

There are many other things that happened that I would not want to be petty and listed everything. But I am open if you want to follow-up. Suffice to say that I have worked day and night, early hours, late night, to deliver my best efforts for the business. The company has my records and my calendar that I am not only delivering for my manager, but also in view of what is best for the business, and what's optimum for the experiences of our stakeholders internally and externally at field, corp, and our customers. I am tired, exhausted, and demoralized.

To label someone as lack of performance because he or she started from a place of accountability to the business-first, for speaking out, for being authentic, under working relationship not based on respect and trust is so contrary to the values that we are espousing. It is hard for me to reconcile the fact that my silence would aid status quo. If things are not improving, other employees in Microsoft would potentially have poor experience that is avoidable. 

I have my learnings as well and I am far from perfect. I am in Microsoft because I believe in similar values of respect, integrity, and accountability and I would thrive in such environment as our values is aligned. After slightly more than 10 years in this company, I have seen and continue to have some belief that the company would work inline with the value of respect, integrity, and accountability.

As discussed, let's agree to move forward. I really want to let you know my perspective and my voice. As appropriate I urge a reflection, validation, investigation, coaching, and that the right practice is put in place to avoid other employees of Microsoft being subjected to experience that I just had. As I shared with you, the low points of my interactions with my manager has been very negative. The lack of support and trust in my professional life has been detrimental to my mental health. I think HR and the company deserves to know my perspective and the context on how things got to this point. 

I am very disappointed that things got to this stage that I am keen for the right opportunities to move beyond Asia MCS and this role. Now I want to be treated with fairness, dignity, and respect. I look forward to that.

Hope we will take care of future team members so that everyone is treated with dignity and inline with Microsoft values.

Kind regards,

Nelly

Work Troubles

 I had been having very difficult journey in my current role, last few months. Since my new manager comes onboard. Yesterday, I was presented with 2 options: one going to performance plan and the other to sign separation agreement. Both time-bounded. Yes my employment has expiry date.

As I took a day off today to sort through my emotion and feeling, my head is searching for answers. 

Why this happens? Is the most obvious question. Part of this is blaming myself for being in this situation, and sorting out what I could have done differently, or why I haven't seen this coming that it came as a shock. Part of that is also blaming my manager.

I found it helpful to verbalize my thoughts to see things objectively. To address the feeling of unfairness that rises up to anger and disappointment. Also the sense of unjust as I felt I have done nothing wrong, and I have always delivered against my commitment. But few instances of my refusal to do what my manager asked me to do, that I justify as action of randomizing the field, or inefficient way of how things should be done, makes me tethering on the verge of self-doubt and foolishness.  I do not know why manager holds such a power in large corporation. Or that the selection of people rising to the top that holds the power over the livelihood, experiences, and motivation of employees. This seems like such an ineffective system.

Take my manager for example. He has 7 direct reports with seniority, and what he does is randomizing people by asking them to pull some data, prepare powerpoint slides, or do internal presentation in internal meetings. What is the objective and what is the key results?

My soul-searching today led me to read an article on Harvard Business Review, compendium for leadership. One chapter of the book is titled Why Should Anyone Be Led by You ? It talks about effective executive whom be a sensor, exposes weaknesses (artfully and smartly), dare to be different, and tough empathy. Another chapter on the same book talks about the difference of management and leadership. Maybe I mixed the need of managing versus leading that my manager attempted to do. Maybe I did so as I feel undervalued and thus insisting on establishing myself or a resemblance of control. Maybe I had lack of respect to a leader who is mercantile and egoistic that in turn I responded belligerently. A friend advised me that there is no right and wrong. There no sense to try to rationalize human. 

At the end of the day, I do want to be more self-awareness, agile, and flexible. I hope this setback teaches me valuable lesson without destroying my self-esteem.

Let me affirm myself.

I am hard working

I am mature.

I am professional.

I am a learner.

I will overcome this.