Valentine's Day

V-day is here with the "L" word arriving this year in the middle of novel coronavirus season, newly minted as COVID-19.

"I am good at synthesizing stuff. When the definition, though, of something that is different for every individual.... I got a bit tripped up. Like Love..."

Aggressive work problem

Tonight I just finished a critical conversation at work. With my new manager. 1 month in.

He opens the conversation saying that the mail I wrote was a waste of my time, and his time. The mail was very offensive to him. He repeated that must be more than 10 times in the 60 minutes conversation. He asked me to reflect on the mail. Again and again and again.

The problem was I wrote the mail very aggressively. I wrote what I feel, what triggered me. I wrote that maybe there is a trust issue. That (I assume) he is trying to make things "easy" for the team, meaning easy (to organize). He took offense with the word easy and that he is trying to control.

I think both he and I need a lesson in self awareness. And because he is the manager, I need to be the one taking a bigger pill. I feel I am entitled to my feeling. I am wrong to assume about trust. I am not wrong when it comes to control. His specific question was "Is this your trip or my trip?". I feel he is triggered in certain words. His command of language in Spanish is not very strong as well. He mentioned about his being 50 years old. So I think this has something to do with status. He started saying this will create a big problem and it will get worse, so it's better to resolve it early either by agreeing to work it out, or agree to depart. I agree with the sentiment.

I also realize about aggression. I want to read and study more about this. I am also insecure and I think had been heavily influenced by unresolved feeling over very poor experiences dealing with incoming leader. With a former manager who betrayed me. So I have issues with trust and insecurity. I am also overworking, not 100% in health, not resting well, working from home among the viral situation (Novel Coronavirus).

Meanwhile my manager is trying to drive many initiatives. He talks about energy many times. He is living on the suitcase. Driving everyone crazy. Trying to basically survive, like everyone else really.

So what have I learnt that I could grow from:

1. I have insecurity especially about trust, validation, and recognition
2. My blunt style can be seen as aggressive
3. I am entitled to feel and my feeling is valid
4. It is not great to act while emotional or where energy reserve is low
5. I need to learn more about dealing with problem less aggresively especially
6. I need to direct my attention to more positivity and 
7. My status as sole bread winner is something I care about deeply.
8. My assumption is not always right (of course) but there are possibly softer way of expressing them without disregarding my feeling.
9. I need to take care of myself first (rest, exercise, food) then care about quality of the work
10. I don't have to prove myself everyday
11. My manager is not always right. He also has his bias.
12. I can learn from this experience.
13. I do not regret asserting my feeling. Validate my feeling.
14. I do not mean to cause people to be upset or offensive. Validate my feeling.
15. I want to validate my feeling without being offensive. I cannot control people's reaction.
16. Email is a poor way to communicate. Not leave written trace of communication that people can catch you with.

Niseko and expensive taxi

Today I am feeling energized. After waking up looking horrible due to begadang adventure and day full of junk food, I was resolved to treat myself well today.

After a great breakfast at hotel, I travelled to Niseko area as planned.

I ate well for lunch, after walking in cold weather bracing the steep incline and Nisekoobashi bridge to visit a recommended seafood Kagra (yes this is the right spelling). It served beautiful seafood from the town of Suttsu, about 1 hour south Niseko, on an inlet.

It also had a small gallery that display the work of local photographer. I bought a small postcard as souvenir.

After this, I decided a walk was over. This is especially my thin shoes are not equipped for travel in snow. My socks were starting to get wet. I spent around 3680yen from the restaurant to Yukichichibu, a remote onsen that’s accessible only by car and famous for its mud bath. I spent 6800yen return to Kutchan station. Meanwhile I devoured an onsen egg, shell so lovely marbled by the sulphurous water. While waiting for the 18:32 train, I walked to a family-run restaurant Ramen Nakama that I realized was Michelin starred in 2012! It was famous for its plum salt chasyu ramen which I ordered and slurped hehe. Tummy full and warm, I wondered on the quiet main street talking pictures of some quaint coffee shop and snack shop Sweet Fujii as well as Coop supermarket next to the train.

This is the best day so far. I am grateful for:
1. Enjoying warm and hot onsen at Yukichichibu.
2. That I can afford expensive taxis now. Easily. Although my thrifty nature will only allow it once in a while.
3. Wonderful breakfast with sweet milk, delicious raw octopus.
4. Friendly waitress at restaurant who helped me with taxi.
5. Watching young children play.
6. Almost forgot and recovered my key.
7. Beautiful Niseko area with snow, onsen, corn, potato. Seems like Hokkaido has all my favorite food items, oh yeah, and sweets, and chocolate.

Appreciation of good bed and sleep

As I lay down on the cozy bed of ANA Crowne Plaza Chitose, the bed mattress is hard just the way I like it with super fine cotton bedsheet that feels so soft and cool to touch, and tempur pillow that is from the sleep menu, I sigh with the deepest appreciation of fine sleep apparatus.

It was 7pm and I had just concluded 48hrs period of sub-optimal sleep. After the Friday workday that is the day after MBUs with 2 areas and a prosecco-filled evening, I had a light morning with only 3 calls, and 1.5hrs of People discussion. I started sniffling. I went home trying to catch quick nap before my 5:20pm flight to Tokyo. And beighbour upstairs started drilling on and off.

I went straight to lounge post smooth check-in. Oh I witness the kind young man helped a harried passenger get on a flight with 5 minutes to spare. I praised the young gentleman, and also again in front of her “elder” he seemed humble but also pleased with himself, good chap. I only wished to encourage him but he volunteed to put my bag with a first class tag. Wow!

After a quick munch, headed to gate which has boarded. The plane turned out to be pretty old, no doubt well-maintained since it’s Singapore Airlines, but it groaned and croaked at the long taxi. A fine good looking gentleman was seated next to me. We didn’t converse but I guess our age gap must have made us looked a couple. After a meal (terrible tasting brown noodle...) I tried to sleep but caught maybe 3hrs.

Upon landing I collected my luggage and started to search for a place to park myself for a few hours. It was 1am and most of places I looked had been occupied, from the Arrival area, the Departure area from level 2, 4 and observation deck. Finally there were a couple tables in front of Yoshinoya and Mos burger that was occupied with chatty people. I settled in, ordered some food (expresso burger!). Few hours passed quickly, I went to queue and caught 4:45am first shuttle bus to domestic. Finally managed to check in at 5:20am. The domestic lounge had no food but just crackers and loads of alcohol and drinks. I drank some kale juice and tomato juice.

In the next waking hours, I dozed off at 1:30hours flight to Chitose, and some at train ride to Otaru and a quick nap after onsen at Yunohana. I was really tired after all of that. But I think the unhealthy food doesn’t help either at irregular hours. Worse I only ate potato chips at dinner so I woke up feeling bloated, dehydrated, and terrible the following day

Note to self: never ever eat junk anymore and never scrimp on quality sleep.

Grateful things:
1. Travelled in super cool Star Wars theme plane to Chitose.
2. Ate delicious panjyu, apple-cinnamon is my favorite.
3. Enjoyed romantic Otaru
4. Executed my plan of saving a night at airport
5. Sat next to good looking stranger on business class to Tokyo.
6. The last one sounds improper and uncharacteristic of me, so I am not going to delete it (hehe.)

Game Finale

Cinderella Phenomenon

Love the characters, the writing, and the endings.

Covering

At work, we learn about the concept of Covering recently. The company Q&A by Satya addressed the issue, followed by a short talk by Ann Johnson who leads the company's security sales strategy division. I listened and didn't have much reaction other than a dawning sense of awareness.

On and off I remembered the concept. Including this morning, when I had my private time. I realize that I've always been an emotional person. I teared up at any soft sentimental moments in movies. I teared up on Thursday when we had Values conversation and listened to my leader told a powerful story about what happened to him 27 years ago when he encountered an unforgettable moment.

Then I realized in situation when I reacted badly. Sometimes I have a lot of pent-up emotional reaction. Anger especially or moment of sadness. I reflected on why I do that. Often I thought it's because those moments of anger empower me. Give me drive. The hunger. The insecurity. I also read that if you only reacts when you've been hurt, and you need to be moved to moment of righteousness to defend yourself/others, or simply need that moment of justification, you are not validating yourself. That means I have to put myself in moment of being defensive to be moved to action. That can't be right. I am normally not that passive. But why do I keep so much inside, and sometimes be petrified to the action.

I realize, perhaps, I am covering. I always want to look strong. Afraid my soft side will show. Afraid that emotional is not professional. Afraid of shedding tears in office. Coming out can be very liberating. I also thought about many homosexual people who had to live their lives afraid, and how coming out to them has always been a moment of liberation. I think now I understand a bit better how that feels. How opressing it can be to be hiding some part of you. How those can lead to pent up emotion. How you might react badly due to those luggage. Why coming out means you can leave your authentic self and be so much more powerful and show up yourselfs.

I then think about why I'm covering. Success is very important for me. It gives me a sense of purpose. Sense of purpose is very important to me and to everyone. Just this week's offsite where our leader gives everyone sense of purpose. Super powerful. How he looks at everyone and pick the best moments and strength, encourage that, and show what's the most important. I think that's a great role model to emulate. I recalled the chapter of the book Grit that I read this morning. About wise parenting, that parents in loving and tough family yield the best environment to raise a child. About knowing the best for the child, be supportive, and sets the bar and standard. But also at the end of the day, the child has the choice. In corporate setting, it seems similar playbook to build high performing team. And I guess the people who are not cutting it, nor want to aspire to that level of standard would then qualify themselves out. That's interesting.

Anyway, a lot of what I do this week is going inside. Inside my mind and inside my heart. To open my mind and my heart. Write these feelings down. Explore them. And Let go.

Learn how to forgive

In my course of building resilience, I am reminded that sometimes a good way to release the anxiety is learning to forgive. The steps are : 1) Write down your feelings, 2) Release your feelings, 3) Meditate, and 4) Talk to someone.

As I step into a year, exactly, a year since the point of departure. I have frequently reflect on that moment of pain. When I feel entitled and I want to uphold my own value of integrity, but feeling like a victim. When I receive a gift that I didn't want, I rejected that as I was in the moment of anger, and grief, unexpressed. I often reflect back and blame myself for doing certain things. But I wish I can forgive myself more than being rigid. Even today, I regret of hurting other's feeling and not recognizing that my action might have pushed others away. I was hurt, lonely, hungry, and sad.

When a normal human being was subjected to that feeling of hurt combined with loneliness, the sadness overwhelmed, and coupled with feeling of anger and helplessness, it is normal to be not at my best behavior. I now recognize that it is normal. I am a human. And I am more importantly, normal human being.

I want to be with people who can accept me for who I am. When I am normal, at my best, and when I am not at my best.

Visiting Lisa

I am in Seoul right now Thursday thru Monday (tomorrow).

I am glad having friends who cared about me, and send me some encouraging messages.
Glad about considerate friends who take care of each other when we travel, looking out, sharing discounts, talking about news, and a lot to learn from.
I am glad to be meeting Lisa, was worried about her, and wanting to make sure I can support her but don’t know how yet. Glad to see she is spending more time with her life, her health, and her happiness.

Reflection from my Work Fiscal Year 2019

In the last few days, I have just overcame a haze. I received a standard expectation for my level. I feel this was unjust and unfair. I think of the past year, where I devoted significant amount of work and energy and received average rewards.

I just off the conversation with my ex-manager. He pushed me out from my role and played important role in evaluating my reward even though he was my manager only from end February until end June. A couple of things that he mentioned that are opportunities to exceed:

1. Identify a big bet and drive them through
2. Connect with people around the world about best practices, and bring them to Asia
3. Opportunity to show impact
4. Be sensitive about people's expectation, and how it shows up. For people far away, them not being your advocate can hurt you.

People are people and they have expectations and style that are so different from who you are. I am saddened to think that style can hurt your chances and ability to succeed. My conclusion is that People is People.

20th Anniversary of Singapore-MIT Alliance

Yesterday I attended Singapore-MIT Alliance reunion which is also the 20th Anniversary of the program.
I had opportunities to share my experiences and shared about great friends, being in formative years of early adulthood, and learning to be leaders by pushing the boundaries.

I am grateful to be meeting old friends, spend time sharing my experiences, and for having the privilege to be part of SMA.

Practicing Gratitude

3 Things to be grateful for today:

• I got to spend a week with my nieces, Ashley is 7 and Beverly is 3 this year.
• I got a promo earlier than expected.
• I have nice conversation with people around me who supported me.
• Am entering weekend with free time.

3 Things to be Happy about

1. I defended myself from perceived slight, and feeling guilty afterwards. Meaning, I have conscience, and I am brave.
2. My brother and family are coming to visit and play in Singapore later this week.
3. I got the promotion that I wanted and fought for, this year, ahead of schedule.
4. I cooked two new dishes, Thai green curry and Transparent noodle salad for my family today.

Yay!

A new energy

I came back from holiday with family, recharged and happy. For the first time in my life, I feel blissful, at peace, and in the moment. Felt like the daily meditation helps me regain my sense of balance and contentment. I do not have extra things really, no new relationship, no happy encounter, just spend 2 weeks travelling with family and "in the moment".

I am not purposeful. I do not know where I am going, or if I am going somewhere. I suppose the small secret in life is to know there is no journey with a starting end and the ending point. Maybe life is a jumble of walks that go around and return to the original path. I don't know.

But I do know that I want to create. I want to give birth to new ideas, new facts, new being, something. It gives life meaning when we give.

When we travelled, we received the news about the passing of my cousin, Jensen. On the day of my birthday morning. I felt sad, sad for a life seems so short, that everything can happen and end in an instant. Of him, of his family, and of his parents. But also a sense of peace: he was in pain during the course of cancer, and in a way there is relief in the end.

It rolls a seed of thought, that human can strive, can fight, can will strongly. At the end of the day, there is fate and there is life. there is so many things outside of humane control.

I got a call yesterday, the first day of coming back to office. That is after another call, when I heard agitated sound and voices and feel I could not care more than it deserves. But that call I took it calmly and took it slowly. That call makes me realize a gratefulness of other people who doesn't seem to want some recognition, or doesn't demand it. Or maybe it is too early to think well and good and raise expectation again, I want to be kind and I want to think there is more kindness in this world.

3 grateful things today

1. Enjoying a bright blue sky day at Split, Croatia.
2. Meditating a realizing the reason why I hung on to relationship that is long over: because of my fierce loyalty and my fear of losing my “last hope” to have a family.
3. Opportunity to reflect on Ivan Maestrovic’s villa and museum at Meje, Split.
4. Loving the architecture of Old Town Split, the Diocletian Palace, Riva, the food at Konobs Hvarnin and Artichok, shopping at Green Market, museums, Nandroni Trg, bakeries and supermarkets. 
5. Explore freely the Klis Fortress, the view is fantastic and the only place where you can freely climb the walls, crumbling stone steps, the old church at the top, and the stone fortication that you can see the steep stone bluffs.

Fate

When I was young I had a mole at the corner of my eyes. Those naysayer said that means I shall often cry and live a fate in my life that leads to misery, tears, and hardship.


This morning I looked at myself a bit closer than I normally have... Probably closer than I had in the past 6 months due to life and work. I saw no mole on my eyelid anymore.


I wonder what those naysayer would say now.


I sometimes found myself believe in those signs. I sometimes found myself reading astronomy of the week column on magazine. I sometimes do that because it sometimes is comforting to grab those certainties to divine my day ahead amidst the life.


But today, I start to believe fate is in your hands. Grab everyday like it has the potential to make a better version of you. Grab it like a fresh new day, everyday. Everyday is a day of opportunities and potential, for what is going to happen today is decided today. Not before. Not by the column in newspaper. Not by the arrangement of the stars. Not by the mole that you are born with.

February reflections

It was Valentine's Day yesterday. I had a bout of melancholy deep at night. Remembering what I did last year. This year, the day started with pretty bad mood. I wonder if this has anything to do with the Valentine's Day. I started with 730am call after 6 hours of sleep. Physically tired from the streak of exercise due to February Heart month (those compelling Apple Watch badges!!!).

Why can't I forget? Why do I want to forget...? It is still bringing tears to my eyes and wrenching my heart. More because I miss the feeling and company. But do I love the person or do I love the persona my mind and heart has created for the person.

What should I do? How do I get rid of this pain? Should I get rid of this pain?

My thinking time

I love, I love, I love. Despite.

Today while I swim, I think. My mind wander as usual. Normally it goes to my heart and soul, or what is important at that time. I love and can't forget. My love is resilient. Understanding and forgiving. But I cannot love more than I love myself. As I will resent if I become smaller or lesser than who I am.

So today is acceptance. And I resolve to work on area of my life.

My exercise journey

I have never been a fit child when I was young. When I thought of dismissing the idea of me liking physical education, I fall back to stereotype that any "smart" kid will likely have weakness and weakness is often a weak fragile body. Well, I am only an average person. which means if I want be fit and strong I need to train.

In my twenties, I discovered yoga, yoga and pilates and started joining the courses of yoga and improved my posture. I discovered I could train my body and withstand the poses from yoga, starting from gentle yoga, progressing to hatha, and asthanga. It is generally easier to go to class regularly, although I have proven that you can cycle through classes and you don't have to stick to a practice. That might have taken a longer route with my method, but I found something that work for me. I found that building classes progressively, you have to work it out for every class. That means stretch and find that pain in the poses, and rest throughout the week. Your body will indeed respond and become progressively limber and fitter.

Yoga works to improve flexibility, which means you will often improve your range of movement as your yoga practice progress. I also found pilates. Pilates is the class you take if you want to exercise your core and you become stronger through pilates practice and have a beautiful abs.

I also learnt how to swim in my twenties. Then I started swimming regularly in early thirties, especially breaststroke. I have naturally small hip compared to the rest of my body, (it's apple body type - voluptous but with slimmer hip). Swimming once a week 20 laps, helped me achieve more proportional body shape. My chin is slimmer and my hip wider, so as a result my body is now even much more proportional. Of course if you swim regularly, here is a couple of tips.

1. Swim outdoor if you can
Swimming indoor means better protection from sun, winds, and rain. You can always swim regardless of weather. That means no excuse to skip too. However, indoor pool is often saturated with chlorine which is harsh to your body and hair. Chemical from outdoor swimming pool has the chance to evaporate and oxidise with natural sun light. Plus, if you swim in the sea it is natural.

2. SPF protection is important
Protect your skin regardless of whether you swim in sea or in the pool. Always wear waterproof Sun Protection skin. For beach and outdoor sport, SPF 50 is the minimum recommended factor. Appy and reapply often and with enough coverage.

3. Shower or rinse before swimming
If you saturate your hair and skin with fresh water, your body has less chance of absorbing the chlorine water.

4. Wear swim cap
Protect your hair from regular soak of pool water. It is more hygiene too. Your hair might become brittle and dry from regular exposure to chlorine. You can apply oil or chlorine naturalizer too to help protect your hair underneath the cap.

5. Shower immediately after swim
Wash your face, body, and hair. Rinse with fresh water including your suit and googles. If your swim suit and googles can be damaged easily from regular use in the water, imagine the damage to your hair.

Gratitude journal

3 things I am grateful for:
1. Meeting with partner Avanade and Accenture went very productive.
2. Discussion with the other hiring manager was very productive and result in a good plan for hiring.
3. My team is filled, my best candidate accepted.
4. Good 1:1 conversations with my directs, peers, and my manager and skip.
5. Good conversations with my HR partners. Get to know new people.
6. Come out of my shell to confront my fear and feel relieved of my burden of fearing to hurt other people’s feeling. Those are precious to me. And I am taking care of myself.
7. Stop withdrawing and found the courage to write a reply note thanking people to be in my life in 2018.
8. Thankful that this has been a super wonderful and productive week.

Relationship Advice

Listening podcast, of Relationship Advice with guest speaker Dr Alexandra Solomon.

A great place to start is to examine our own experiences and original childhood and examine what affects us, what we bring to the table for the relationship, and what we want to carry forward. Tip to start is to see during our childhood how do our original family how I handle conflict and how I handle closeness. Relationship is about feel good and getting along, but also about conflict and those closeness.

Sometimes our wound and our partner's wound overlap. We are often attracted to the partner who challenges us in that very heart of our wound - the relationship is like the dance, navigating the dance.

The best thing is to stay curious and learnt about our partner, our partner see the view, and stay curious to see and proactively understand how partner react to the situation. Sometimes when tough times, we just want things to change so the pain goes away. To uncover it, having a partner willing to ask and be curious help, but couples' therapy is very useful. Dose of couple therapy is useful to better understand our pattern and how we deal with each other - recommended when we decide to live together, when we got married, when we have first baby, when the kid starts elementary school, when we raise teenagers, etc. Being married is a dynamic thing, expectations change circumstances change.

When do we walk away? When we have partner who is not willing to work on the relationship and work through the issues. Love humbles people.

Keep the gratitude journal.
Advice to newlyweds: gratitude to our partner, love to have you in my life, everyday.