Getting out of thinking trap

 Today’s challenge on LumiHealth is to address thinking trap. It defines some of destructive thinking pattern to get out of, and our task is to write our thoughts down and be concious of them.

I had a succesful chat about a role in an org that I wanted to work for. On the other hand, the chat to explore another org is not that great. Why? Maybe I am jumping to conclusion. I sense some frustration but it could be the person is really trying to help and need a more specifics. It could be that she doesn’t know enough details and be confident. 

The thinking trap describes the following pattern to watch out for:

1. Jumping to conclusions

2. All or nothing thinking

3. Over-generalization

4. Confirmation bias

5. Emotional thinking.

The wellness exercise encourages us to write down our thoughts and come up with as many positive thoughts that I can.

Some things I am grateful for this week:

Great chat and coaching from Sook Hoon. Be prepared and go nail the time to be productive and impress the other party.

Good connection with Lisa.

Positive progress and support from Ali.

Great call with Su Yim a leader that I admire.

Ok chat re-establishing connection with Ricky.

I tried making Coq Au Vin

Nicely crispy martabak manis with dark chocolate and cashews

Beautiful flowers from team, arranged by Sharon.

So much to be thankful for!

Caring leadership

 I am so touched by the model, coach, care that was demonstrated to me by 2 senior female leaders, that I almost teared up on the call. One is someone whom I know for 16 months, and one in a recent conversation. I know they have strong agenda and yet they leave me at the end of the conversation full of energy and strength in spirit to carry on and with resilience.

I am so thankful and blessed, and I hope someday I can sincerely be one like them and pay it forward.

Instances for work harrassment

I am contemplating whether I should file complaint to HR about stressful work environment and work harassment. I am now start documenting as I tended to let go of things, but my manager is not someone who is a leader that live by values of Microsoft. 

Hi Jason,

I alluded to facts that the work environment had been challenging. Now as we moving forward, I think there's situation and behavior that I think as HR, it is crucial for you to know.

• In February 2020, I wrote an email to my manager how I felt I needed space and let him know better my trigger. For full disclosure my mail is attached. He rang me and his opening line was "Your email is a waste of my time." He then proceeded me to lecture me in harsh tones mentioning repeatedly that I was very rude and how I was very wrong. I must still have the record on how long the conversation was about 1.5 hours perhaps. I felt so small after that conversation, and started having self-doubt about speaking out my feeling. This example of manager's behavior is so against Microsoft value of respect that I expect more from a Microsoft executive exhibits. 
• My manager gave me feedbacks multiple times that "you created unnecessary tension", most of the time in harsh and condescending tone. There was a time when he stated his feedback in reasonable tone is a weekly sync-up between my manager, executive admin, and myself. I initially took that feedback very much to heart and thus often second guessed myself when I was about to offer my recommendations. I started to have self doubt and feel the lack of self worth of being deemed unnecessary was so disempowering. 
• Looking back, in the context of the 3 recent examples that my manager provided, I have observed that he judged my voice as unnecessary and I created friction when I tried to offer advice. 
• Let me explain each of these examples.

1. In Starbucks project I was becoming aware that he didn't have regular review for delivery which was becoming critical. In our 3-way weekly sync-up meeting with my manager, the admin assistant and me, my manager asked me to follow up with Delivery Director that he would like to know the status of Starbucks project. I suggested my manager to join delivery review and discuss this with our Delivery Director directly and offered to have our admin assistant, who was in the meeting, to set this up. My manager became aggressive as my suggestion and mentioned that he would follow up directly with Delivery Director. 
2. Immediately after that conversation, I had 1:1 discussion with my manager for the second review of a presentation deck that my manager would present in this 1:1 with his manager, Omar. I presented the draft of key deals information. I let him be aware that we utilized information available from MSX sellers comment, pursuit data, as well as a review with Sales Director and Pursuit Leader. He gave feedbacks that the information was not good enough. I let him know that the view I am presenting came from the Sales Director and Pursuit Leader. As collecting more information from the field is randomizing, I then suggested having a call directly with the team to be clear on what's expected. My manager became aggressive and said if I cannot collect information then what good of me being a Business Manager. At that point the Sales Director was on paternity leave. He then proceeded to compare my work with field Sales excellence lead, which I explained that as Timezone role, we need to be clear on why we are collecting information and what we do with the information we collected.
3. The third example he claimed that I was late in providing information about Headcount that he requested. I sent him the information on Sept 9th on the same day that he requested a prioritization of this task at 10:46am. As context, he called me to prioritize this and explained why this is important to share with his manager and Microsoft Asia leader. I immediately prioritized, and sent aggregate information after a validation with Finance. During the phone conversation with my manager, I raised my concern that this information about the headcount conversation would have been settled during budgeting discussion. That our focus should be looking forward. By re-escalating this, I was very concerned that we would be seen as defensive on our challenges of not being able to meet growth ambition. He responded that I should leave the task of managing stakeholders to him, and thus I complied and provided the information at 11:26am, and another set of requested information based on September actual at 3:26pm.

There are two people in a conversation, and above is my point of view of the conversation. There is a pattern here. It is when I am speaking out with my point of view on doing in way that might be better for the business. I personally think that preparing two weeks for internal presentation is a lot of unproductive time consumed. Yet I know it is important so I actively try to look for ways to deliver what's expected with the least amount of time by minimizing random request impacting the team and the field. If I have wrong view, coach me. But having a voice is not unnecessary and I have been so disempowered that finally in early September I decided that it was the time for me to start looking for my next role.

•  I delivered on all my core priorities during FY20 under 3 different leaders. I adapted and tried to adapt as I know that the requirements for business manager by each leader is different. My manager called me to provide his feedbacks on May 5th. I asked my manager then whether he was looking for a Yes man. I mentioned that I am not a Yes man so if that's what he was looking for, I wanted to know. He answered that a Yes man is not what he was looking for in this role and that he expected me to bring my perspective and point of view to things. So I stayed on, worked on his feedback, and delivered on my accountability according to his clarifications. I think Integrity in this case is very important. The Services business today and a year ago when I was hired is very different. Furthermore, the requirement for a role would shift. It is very important to engage continuously to validate priority and expectation. But if the goalpost keeps on changing without clear communication, this is not the right setup for success. Worse, if my manager was looking for characteristic of a person whom would not offer opinion, then please have integrity to say so, be so, assess if this is the right thing to do for the business, and find the right person for the job. 

There are many other things that happened that I would not want to be petty and listed everything. But I am open if you want to follow-up. Suffice to say that I have worked day and night, early hours, late night, to deliver my best efforts for the business. The company has my records and my calendar that I am not only delivering for my manager, but also in view of what is best for the business, and what's optimum for the experiences of our stakeholders internally and externally at field, corp, and our customers. I am tired, exhausted, and demoralized.

To label someone as lack of performance because he or she started from a place of accountability to the business-first, for speaking out, for being authentic, under working relationship not based on respect and trust is so contrary to the values that we are espousing. It is hard for me to reconcile the fact that my silence would aid status quo. If things are not improving, other employees in Microsoft would potentially have poor experience that is avoidable. 

I have my learnings as well and I am far from perfect. I am in Microsoft because I believe in similar values of respect, integrity, and accountability and I would thrive in such environment as our values is aligned. After slightly more than 10 years in this company, I have seen and continue to have some belief that the company would work inline with the value of respect, integrity, and accountability.

As discussed, let's agree to move forward. I really want to let you know my perspective and my voice. As appropriate I urge a reflection, validation, investigation, coaching, and that the right practice is put in place to avoid other employees of Microsoft being subjected to experience that I just had. As I shared with you, the low points of my interactions with my manager has been very negative. The lack of support and trust in my professional life has been detrimental to my mental health. I think HR and the company deserves to know my perspective and the context on how things got to this point. 

I am very disappointed that things got to this stage that I am keen for the right opportunities to move beyond Asia MCS and this role. Now I want to be treated with fairness, dignity, and respect. I look forward to that.

Hope we will take care of future team members so that everyone is treated with dignity and inline with Microsoft values.

Kind regards,

Nelly

Work Troubles

 I had been having very difficult journey in my current role, last few months. Since my new manager comes onboard. Yesterday, I was presented with 2 options: one going to performance plan and the other to sign separation agreement. Both time-bounded. Yes my employment has expiry date.

As I took a day off today to sort through my emotion and feeling, my head is searching for answers. 

Why this happens? Is the most obvious question. Part of this is blaming myself for being in this situation, and sorting out what I could have done differently, or why I haven't seen this coming that it came as a shock. Part of that is also blaming my manager.

I found it helpful to verbalize my thoughts to see things objectively. To address the feeling of unfairness that rises up to anger and disappointment. Also the sense of unjust as I felt I have done nothing wrong, and I have always delivered against my commitment. But few instances of my refusal to do what my manager asked me to do, that I justify as action of randomizing the field, or inefficient way of how things should be done, makes me tethering on the verge of self-doubt and foolishness.  I do not know why manager holds such a power in large corporation. Or that the selection of people rising to the top that holds the power over the livelihood, experiences, and motivation of employees. This seems like such an ineffective system.

Take my manager for example. He has 7 direct reports with seniority, and what he does is randomizing people by asking them to pull some data, prepare powerpoint slides, or do internal presentation in internal meetings. What is the objective and what is the key results?

My soul-searching today led me to read an article on Harvard Business Review, compendium for leadership. One chapter of the book is titled Why Should Anyone Be Led by You ? It talks about effective executive whom be a sensor, exposes weaknesses (artfully and smartly), dare to be different, and tough empathy. Another chapter on the same book talks about the difference of management and leadership. Maybe I mixed the need of managing versus leading that my manager attempted to do. Maybe I did so as I feel undervalued and thus insisting on establishing myself or a resemblance of control. Maybe I had lack of respect to a leader who is mercantile and egoistic that in turn I responded belligerently. A friend advised me that there is no right and wrong. There no sense to try to rationalize human. 

At the end of the day, I do want to be more self-awareness, agile, and flexible. I hope this setback teaches me valuable lesson without destroying my self-esteem.

Let me affirm myself.

I am hard working

I am mature.

I am professional.

I am a learner.

I will overcome this.

August Wellness Month

Since Singapore opened up from Circuit Breaker, I have been easing to exercise gently. In month of August, we officially concluded 6-month period of the lockdown since pandemic started. It also coincided with Get Well "games" that was initiated by my company and encouraged us to form groups of 3-12 people to complete 10,000 minutes of exercise. 

So I am happy to report at the conclusion of August that the time that I dedicated to exercise and general well being has improved.

According to Strava app, I have regained distance of exercise travelled to 53km! While this is still short of 100km that I logged in Jan 2020 in 20-day period, frankly that was my personal best record. I am happy with the slow but steady progress. I had also dedicated 19hrs 19mins in total in Strava app. That plus my swimming record while I was in my final month of FitnessFirst membership made me proud of my accomplishments.

Happy Exercise!

K-Drama Romcom

Just finished watching "What's wrong with Secretary Kim". A very funny, romantic rom-com. I love the characters that are not shallow but have deep personality.

I love the playfulness as well as the journey the two lead characters discover love with each other, and navigating their relationship, as well as their first relationship. Being understanding, learn from others' friends advice, being smiling and lower tension to avoid argument repeatedly. It seems that they have more playful moments and tender texts than argument maybe 10:1 ratio.

I love the pretty Kim Mi-So, her gentle and bright smile. Her cute furious stares, as well as her patience. Her passion to serve others, while trying to discover her path, she made decision but she is flexible and not rigid with her way and her manner. She is accessible and remains open to ideas.

As man, of course the Lee Young-Joun is the stuff of movie. He is rich, wealthy, successful, young, good looking with great body, but also very considerate as boyfriend, faithful, loyal, accommodates well with family and has a good friend.

I love the song from Itaewon Class

Just finished Itaewon Class drama from Netflix, and I love the song: Gaho - Start.

Here's the youtube link:

The song sparks many positive emotion and hope, to conquer your dream.

"Even if I don't shine, I still am chasing my dream."

Homemade Lemon Sorbet

My base recipe is found at Guardian article here and a bunch of other online recipes. I found however that the recipes that often sticks is the easiest with the least amount of equipment and less exotic ones.

So this is what I settled with, 1 portion sugar to 2 portion of water, to make a sugar syrup. Meanwhile I grate the lemon peels and cook them together. I juiced around 5 lemons and being extra careful not to include the white pith (the whitish part of the skin is what caused bitterness in our juice/sorbet/lemonade).

The Guardian's recipe:
350g caster sugar (I used 500gr to 1L water)
14 lemons, at least 5 unwaxed (I used 7 lemons)

1. Put 250g sugar into a pan with 250ml boiling water and heat, stirring, until the sugar has dissolved. Allow to bubble for a couple of minutes until slightly thickened, then set aside and allow to cool completely.
2. Zest the unwaxed lemons and finely chop the resulting peel. Juice all the lemons and strain to remove any pulp and stray pips. Add the chopped peel and stir in the rest of the sugar to dissolve. Chill in the fridge for a couple of hours.
3. Add equal amounts of syrup and cold water, 25ml at a time, and taste, until the flavour is to your liking – remember that freezing will mute it slightly, so it should be quite intense.
4. Put in an ice cream maker and churn according to instructions. Alternatively pour into a strong plastic box and put in the coldest part of the freezer. After 1 hour 30 minutes it should have frozen round the edges – take it out and beat vigorously with a fork, electric whisk or in a food processor until you have a uniformly textured icy slush. Put back in the freezer and repeat at least twice more every hour and a half, then freeze for at least another hour.
5. Transfer the sorbet to the fridge for 20 minutes before serving.

What I Learn from Netflix "The Good Place"

After binge-watching The Good Place Season 1 and 2 in a day, I learnt and gained interests in some ethics concept that is being discussed by Eleanor and Michael, taught by Chidi:

• Aphorism: is a pithy observation about succinct truth. For example: 

Life is short, art long, opportunity fleeting, experience deceptive, judgment difficult.

• Adage: is a form of aphorism derived from custom or statement past from generations.

• Immanuel Kant

• the four Cardinal virtues: Courage/Fortitude, Wisdom, Temperance, Justice.

Book 1: The Heart by Maylis de Kerangal

The third book I finished in 2020 is The Heart by Maylis de Kerangal. I believe I picked this one up years ago from books that Bill Gates recommended. Coincidentally, BillG decided to step down from the board of Microsoft and Berkshire the day prior, to focus on his Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

The book, unlike most fiction I read, has the quality that touches your mind, heart, and soul. It is not exactly satisfying. It stays with you a while after you finished the book. I finished it in 2 days while on medical leave.

The Book Cover

The book was written in French, and translated by Sam Taylor to English. The story took place in 24 hours elapsed, exactly. From the celebration of life, for a 19-year-old boy who cares about surfing, and throughout the book his persona emerges, but not quite clear. The prose was well articulated, and defines everyone on the book in unique perspective, with a combination of description of things around the person, their thoughts, POV, but also description of universe. I guess I like this description the best from Priya Parmar's NY Times 2016 review of the book

The story unfolds in an intricate lacework of precise detail. Each character is introduced in particle form, and then the details compound until a wholeness is reached, a person takes shape and steps forward.

Goodreads link.

Negative test result

My phone rang and I disregarded it in the morning. Only later, after refreshed lunch with Papa and Mommy that I picked up and received the news of negative test result. By then my coworkers have been notified that I was tested, and news spread rapidly.

Only after I received affirmation that my voluntary self report was accepted, I sat back and comprehend the emotional roller coaster. "You must have been scared". Indeed I was paranoid, and scared and nervous. What if the test is negative and I might potentially infect my elderly Dad and Mom, and my numerous coworkers?

It is a relief to receive the confirmation of positivity I suspected all along. A huge burden lifted by sharing with everyone. Assuaging guilt and paranoia that has formed and forment in my mind. Confirmed by negative swab result, clear chest X-Ray, and finally recovering body from persistent cough, runny nose, and muscle pain.

Meanwhile however, I read news around the world about worsening situation. US just dropped Fed interest rates by 1 full percentage point. About obituary pages in Italian newspaper that is now 10-pages long instead of usual one and a-half pages. Disneyland closed only in the fourth times. And Singapore advising all citizens to defer all non-essentially travel for 30 days to, essentially, every where around the world. No place has been spared. No economy sector has been saved.

Day 3 of Self-Quarantine and Miss Americana

Here I am bored at home at day 3 of my medical leave, out of caution due to COVID-19. Watched Taylor Swift's documentary "Miss Americana". Seeing her as human, also as driven, hard-working, and humane as possible.

A NY Times review.

Jojo Rabbit is an interesting, entertaing, touching movie

One of advantage of long flights is certainly ability to enjoy endless movies list. Especially on Singapore Airlines which is showing a number of movies that I love to watch recently like Knives Out, Jojo Rabbit.

The young Jojo, played by actor Roman Griffin Davis is a precocious loyalist young Germans at the time of World War II. To watch him grew up while his family situation unravel along us is touching.

A cast of strong and familiar actors such as Scarlett Johansson as her live-loving mother, veteran Sam Rockwell as funky German Captain, and director Taika Waititi as Jojo's imaginary General friend kept us enthralled in the story telling. The young Elsa (Thomasin McKenzie) is fragile, scared and strong at the same time.

Valentine's Day

V-day is here with the "L" word arriving this year in the middle of novel coronavirus season, newly minted as COVID-19.

"I am good at synthesizing stuff. When the definition, though, of something that is different for every individual.... I got a bit tripped up. Like Love..."

Aggressive work problem

Tonight I just finished a critical conversation at work. With my new manager. 1 month in.

He opens the conversation saying that the mail I wrote was a waste of my time, and his time. The mail was very offensive to him. He repeated that must be more than 10 times in the 60 minutes conversation. He asked me to reflect on the mail. Again and again and again.

The problem was I wrote the mail very aggressively. I wrote what I feel, what triggered me. I wrote that maybe there is a trust issue. That (I assume) he is trying to make things "easy" for the team, meaning easy (to organize). He took offense with the word easy and that he is trying to control.

I think both he and I need a lesson in self awareness. And because he is the manager, I need to be the one taking a bigger pill. I feel I am entitled to my feeling. I am wrong to assume about trust. I am not wrong when it comes to control. His specific question was "Is this your trip or my trip?". I feel he is triggered in certain words. His command of language in Spanish is not very strong as well. He mentioned about his being 50 years old. So I think this has something to do with status. He started saying this will create a big problem and it will get worse, so it's better to resolve it early either by agreeing to work it out, or agree to depart. I agree with the sentiment.

I also realize about aggression. I want to read and study more about this. I am also insecure and I think had been heavily influenced by unresolved feeling over very poor experiences dealing with incoming leader. With a former manager who betrayed me. So I have issues with trust and insecurity. I am also overworking, not 100% in health, not resting well, working from home among the viral situation (Novel Coronavirus).

Meanwhile my manager is trying to drive many initiatives. He talks about energy many times. He is living on the suitcase. Driving everyone crazy. Trying to basically survive, like everyone else really.

So what have I learnt that I could grow from:

1. I have insecurity especially about trust, validation, and recognition
2. My blunt style can be seen as aggressive
3. I am entitled to feel and my feeling is valid
4. It is not great to act while emotional or where energy reserve is low
5. I need to learn more about dealing with problem less aggresively especially
6. I need to direct my attention to more positivity and 
7. My status as sole bread winner is something I care about deeply.
8. My assumption is not always right (of course) but there are possibly softer way of expressing them without disregarding my feeling.
9. I need to take care of myself first (rest, exercise, food) then care about quality of the work
10. I don't have to prove myself everyday
11. My manager is not always right. He also has his bias.
12. I can learn from this experience.
13. I do not regret asserting my feeling. Validate my feeling.
14. I do not mean to cause people to be upset or offensive. Validate my feeling.
15. I want to validate my feeling without being offensive. I cannot control people's reaction.
16. Email is a poor way to communicate. Not leave written trace of communication that people can catch you with.

Niseko and expensive taxi

Today I am feeling energized. After waking up looking horrible due to begadang adventure and day full of junk food, I was resolved to treat myself well today.

After a great breakfast at hotel, I travelled to Niseko area as planned.

I ate well for lunch, after walking in cold weather bracing the steep incline and Nisekoobashi bridge to visit a recommended seafood Kagra (yes this is the right spelling). It served beautiful seafood from the town of Suttsu, about 1 hour south Niseko, on an inlet.

It also had a small gallery that display the work of local photographer. I bought a small postcard as souvenir.

After this, I decided a walk was over. This is especially my thin shoes are not equipped for travel in snow. My socks were starting to get wet. I spent around 3680yen from the restaurant to Yukichichibu, a remote onsen that’s accessible only by car and famous for its mud bath. I spent 6800yen return to Kutchan station. Meanwhile I devoured an onsen egg, shell so lovely marbled by the sulphurous water. While waiting for the 18:32 train, I walked to a family-run restaurant Ramen Nakama that I realized was Michelin starred in 2012! It was famous for its plum salt chasyu ramen which I ordered and slurped hehe. Tummy full and warm, I wondered on the quiet main street talking pictures of some quaint coffee shop and snack shop Sweet Fujii as well as Coop supermarket next to the train.

This is the best day so far. I am grateful for:
1. Enjoying warm and hot onsen at Yukichichibu.
2. That I can afford expensive taxis now. Easily. Although my thrifty nature will only allow it once in a while.
3. Wonderful breakfast with sweet milk, delicious raw octopus.
4. Friendly waitress at restaurant who helped me with taxi.
5. Watching young children play.
6. Almost forgot and recovered my key.
7. Beautiful Niseko area with snow, onsen, corn, potato. Seems like Hokkaido has all my favorite food items, oh yeah, and sweets, and chocolate.

Appreciation of good bed and sleep

As I lay down on the cozy bed of ANA Crowne Plaza Chitose, the bed mattress is hard just the way I like it with super fine cotton bedsheet that feels so soft and cool to touch, and tempur pillow that is from the sleep menu, I sigh with the deepest appreciation of fine sleep apparatus.

It was 7pm and I had just concluded 48hrs period of sub-optimal sleep. After the Friday workday that is the day after MBUs with 2 areas and a prosecco-filled evening, I had a light morning with only 3 calls, and 1.5hrs of People discussion. I started sniffling. I went home trying to catch quick nap before my 5:20pm flight to Tokyo. And beighbour upstairs started drilling on and off.

I went straight to lounge post smooth check-in. Oh I witness the kind young man helped a harried passenger get on a flight with 5 minutes to spare. I praised the young gentleman, and also again in front of her “elder” he seemed humble but also pleased with himself, good chap. I only wished to encourage him but he volunteed to put my bag with a first class tag. Wow!

After a quick munch, headed to gate which has boarded. The plane turned out to be pretty old, no doubt well-maintained since it’s Singapore Airlines, but it groaned and croaked at the long taxi. A fine good looking gentleman was seated next to me. We didn’t converse but I guess our age gap must have made us looked a couple. After a meal (terrible tasting brown noodle...) I tried to sleep but caught maybe 3hrs.

Upon landing I collected my luggage and started to search for a place to park myself for a few hours. It was 1am and most of places I looked had been occupied, from the Arrival area, the Departure area from level 2, 4 and observation deck. Finally there were a couple tables in front of Yoshinoya and Mos burger that was occupied with chatty people. I settled in, ordered some food (expresso burger!). Few hours passed quickly, I went to queue and caught 4:45am first shuttle bus to domestic. Finally managed to check in at 5:20am. The domestic lounge had no food but just crackers and loads of alcohol and drinks. I drank some kale juice and tomato juice.

In the next waking hours, I dozed off at 1:30hours flight to Chitose, and some at train ride to Otaru and a quick nap after onsen at Yunohana. I was really tired after all of that. But I think the unhealthy food doesn’t help either at irregular hours. Worse I only ate potato chips at dinner so I woke up feeling bloated, dehydrated, and terrible the following day

Note to self: never ever eat junk anymore and never scrimp on quality sleep.

Grateful things:
1. Travelled in super cool Star Wars theme plane to Chitose.
2. Ate delicious panjyu, apple-cinnamon is my favorite.
3. Enjoyed romantic Otaru
4. Executed my plan of saving a night at airport
5. Sat next to good looking stranger on business class to Tokyo.
6. The last one sounds improper and uncharacteristic of me, so I am not going to delete it (hehe.)

Game Finale

Cinderella Phenomenon

Love the characters, the writing, and the endings.

Covering

At work, we learn about the concept of Covering recently. The company Q&A by Satya addressed the issue, followed by a short talk by Ann Johnson who leads the company's security sales strategy division. I listened and didn't have much reaction other than a dawning sense of awareness.

On and off I remembered the concept. Including this morning, when I had my private time. I realize that I've always been an emotional person. I teared up at any soft sentimental moments in movies. I teared up on Thursday when we had Values conversation and listened to my leader told a powerful story about what happened to him 27 years ago when he encountered an unforgettable moment.

Then I realized in situation when I reacted badly. Sometimes I have a lot of pent-up emotional reaction. Anger especially or moment of sadness. I reflected on why I do that. Often I thought it's because those moments of anger empower me. Give me drive. The hunger. The insecurity. I also read that if you only reacts when you've been hurt, and you need to be moved to moment of righteousness to defend yourself/others, or simply need that moment of justification, you are not validating yourself. That means I have to put myself in moment of being defensive to be moved to action. That can't be right. I am normally not that passive. But why do I keep so much inside, and sometimes be petrified to the action.

I realize, perhaps, I am covering. I always want to look strong. Afraid my soft side will show. Afraid that emotional is not professional. Afraid of shedding tears in office. Coming out can be very liberating. I also thought about many homosexual people who had to live their lives afraid, and how coming out to them has always been a moment of liberation. I think now I understand a bit better how that feels. How opressing it can be to be hiding some part of you. How those can lead to pent up emotion. How you might react badly due to those luggage. Why coming out means you can leave your authentic self and be so much more powerful and show up yourselfs.

I then think about why I'm covering. Success is very important for me. It gives me a sense of purpose. Sense of purpose is very important to me and to everyone. Just this week's offsite where our leader gives everyone sense of purpose. Super powerful. How he looks at everyone and pick the best moments and strength, encourage that, and show what's the most important. I think that's a great role model to emulate. I recalled the chapter of the book Grit that I read this morning. About wise parenting, that parents in loving and tough family yield the best environment to raise a child. About knowing the best for the child, be supportive, and sets the bar and standard. But also at the end of the day, the child has the choice. In corporate setting, it seems similar playbook to build high performing team. And I guess the people who are not cutting it, nor want to aspire to that level of standard would then qualify themselves out. That's interesting.

Anyway, a lot of what I do this week is going inside. Inside my mind and inside my heart. To open my mind and my heart. Write these feelings down. Explore them. And Let go.

Learn how to forgive

In my course of building resilience, I am reminded that sometimes a good way to release the anxiety is learning to forgive. The steps are : 1) Write down your feelings, 2) Release your feelings, 3) Meditate, and 4) Talk to someone.

As I step into a year, exactly, a year since the point of departure. I have frequently reflect on that moment of pain. When I feel entitled and I want to uphold my own value of integrity, but feeling like a victim. When I receive a gift that I didn't want, I rejected that as I was in the moment of anger, and grief, unexpressed. I often reflect back and blame myself for doing certain things. But I wish I can forgive myself more than being rigid. Even today, I regret of hurting other's feeling and not recognizing that my action might have pushed others away. I was hurt, lonely, hungry, and sad.

When a normal human being was subjected to that feeling of hurt combined with loneliness, the sadness overwhelmed, and coupled with feeling of anger and helplessness, it is normal to be not at my best behavior. I now recognize that it is normal. I am a human. And I am more importantly, normal human being.

I want to be with people who can accept me for who I am. When I am normal, at my best, and when I am not at my best.