Niseko and expensive taxi

Today I am feeling energized. After waking up looking horrible due to begadang adventure and day full of junk food, I was resolved to treat myself well today.

After a great breakfast at hotel, I travelled to Niseko area as planned.

I ate well for lunch, after walking in cold weather bracing the steep incline and Nisekoobashi bridge to visit a recommended seafood Kagra (yes this is the right spelling). It served beautiful seafood from the town of Suttsu, about 1 hour south Niseko, on an inlet.

It also had a small gallery that display the work of local photographer. I bought a small postcard as souvenir.

After this, I decided a walk was over. This is especially my thin shoes are not equipped for travel in snow. My socks were starting to get wet. I spent around 3680yen from the restaurant to Yukichichibu, a remote onsen that’s accessible only by car and famous for its mud bath. I spent 6800yen return to Kutchan station. Meanwhile I devoured an onsen egg, shell so lovely marbled by the sulphurous water. While waiting for the 18:32 train, I walked to a family-run restaurant Ramen Nakama that I realized was Michelin starred in 2012! It was famous for its plum salt chasyu ramen which I ordered and slurped hehe. Tummy full and warm, I wondered on the quiet main street talking pictures of some quaint coffee shop and snack shop Sweet Fujii as well as Coop supermarket next to the train.

This is the best day so far. I am grateful for:
1. Enjoying warm and hot onsen at Yukichichibu.
2. That I can afford expensive taxis now. Easily. Although my thrifty nature will only allow it once in a while.
3. Wonderful breakfast with sweet milk, delicious raw octopus.
4. Friendly waitress at restaurant who helped me with taxi.
5. Watching young children play.
6. Almost forgot and recovered my key.
7. Beautiful Niseko area with snow, onsen, corn, potato. Seems like Hokkaido has all my favorite food items, oh yeah, and sweets, and chocolate.

Appreciation of good bed and sleep

As I lay down on the cozy bed of ANA Crowne Plaza Chitose, the bed mattress is hard just the way I like it with super fine cotton bedsheet that feels so soft and cool to touch, and tempur pillow that is from the sleep menu, I sigh with the deepest appreciation of fine sleep apparatus.

It was 7pm and I had just concluded 48hrs period of sub-optimal sleep. After the Friday workday that is the day after MBUs with 2 areas and a prosecco-filled evening, I had a light morning with only 3 calls, and 1.5hrs of People discussion. I started sniffling. I went home trying to catch quick nap before my 5:20pm flight to Tokyo. And beighbour upstairs started drilling on and off.

I went straight to lounge post smooth check-in. Oh I witness the kind young man helped a harried passenger get on a flight with 5 minutes to spare. I praised the young gentleman, and also again in front of her “elder” he seemed humble but also pleased with himself, good chap. I only wished to encourage him but he volunteed to put my bag with a first class tag. Wow!

After a quick munch, headed to gate which has boarded. The plane turned out to be pretty old, no doubt well-maintained since it’s Singapore Airlines, but it groaned and croaked at the long taxi. A fine good looking gentleman was seated next to me. We didn’t converse but I guess our age gap must have made us looked a couple. After a meal (terrible tasting brown noodle...) I tried to sleep but caught maybe 3hrs.

Upon landing I collected my luggage and started to search for a place to park myself for a few hours. It was 1am and most of places I looked had been occupied, from the Arrival area, the Departure area from level 2, 4 and observation deck. Finally there were a couple tables in front of Yoshinoya and Mos burger that was occupied with chatty people. I settled in, ordered some food (expresso burger!). Few hours passed quickly, I went to queue and caught 4:45am first shuttle bus to domestic. Finally managed to check in at 5:20am. The domestic lounge had no food but just crackers and loads of alcohol and drinks. I drank some kale juice and tomato juice.

In the next waking hours, I dozed off at 1:30hours flight to Chitose, and some at train ride to Otaru and a quick nap after onsen at Yunohana. I was really tired after all of that. But I think the unhealthy food doesn’t help either at irregular hours. Worse I only ate potato chips at dinner so I woke up feeling bloated, dehydrated, and terrible the following day

Note to self: never ever eat junk anymore and never scrimp on quality sleep.

Grateful things:
1. Travelled in super cool Star Wars theme plane to Chitose.
2. Ate delicious panjyu, apple-cinnamon is my favorite.
3. Enjoyed romantic Otaru
4. Executed my plan of saving a night at airport
5. Sat next to good looking stranger on business class to Tokyo.
6. The last one sounds improper and uncharacteristic of me, so I am not going to delete it (hehe.)

Game Finale

Cinderella Phenomenon

Love the characters, the writing, and the endings.

Covering

At work, we learn about the concept of Covering recently. The company Q&A by Satya addressed the issue, followed by a short talk by Ann Johnson who leads the company's security sales strategy division. I listened and didn't have much reaction other than a dawning sense of awareness.

On and off I remembered the concept. Including this morning, when I had my private time. I realize that I've always been an emotional person. I teared up at any soft sentimental moments in movies. I teared up on Thursday when we had Values conversation and listened to my leader told a powerful story about what happened to him 27 years ago when he encountered an unforgettable moment.

Then I realized in situation when I reacted badly. Sometimes I have a lot of pent-up emotional reaction. Anger especially or moment of sadness. I reflected on why I do that. Often I thought it's because those moments of anger empower me. Give me drive. The hunger. The insecurity. I also read that if you only reacts when you've been hurt, and you need to be moved to moment of righteousness to defend yourself/others, or simply need that moment of justification, you are not validating yourself. That means I have to put myself in moment of being defensive to be moved to action. That can't be right. I am normally not that passive. But why do I keep so much inside, and sometimes be petrified to the action.

I realize, perhaps, I am covering. I always want to look strong. Afraid my soft side will show. Afraid that emotional is not professional. Afraid of shedding tears in office. Coming out can be very liberating. I also thought about many homosexual people who had to live their lives afraid, and how coming out to them has always been a moment of liberation. I think now I understand a bit better how that feels. How opressing it can be to be hiding some part of you. How those can lead to pent up emotion. How you might react badly due to those luggage. Why coming out means you can leave your authentic self and be so much more powerful and show up yourselfs.

I then think about why I'm covering. Success is very important for me. It gives me a sense of purpose. Sense of purpose is very important to me and to everyone. Just this week's offsite where our leader gives everyone sense of purpose. Super powerful. How he looks at everyone and pick the best moments and strength, encourage that, and show what's the most important. I think that's a great role model to emulate. I recalled the chapter of the book Grit that I read this morning. About wise parenting, that parents in loving and tough family yield the best environment to raise a child. About knowing the best for the child, be supportive, and sets the bar and standard. But also at the end of the day, the child has the choice. In corporate setting, it seems similar playbook to build high performing team. And I guess the people who are not cutting it, nor want to aspire to that level of standard would then qualify themselves out. That's interesting.

Anyway, a lot of what I do this week is going inside. Inside my mind and inside my heart. To open my mind and my heart. Write these feelings down. Explore them. And Let go.

Learn how to forgive

In my course of building resilience, I am reminded that sometimes a good way to release the anxiety is learning to forgive. The steps are : 1) Write down your feelings, 2) Release your feelings, 3) Meditate, and 4) Talk to someone.

As I step into a year, exactly, a year since the point of departure. I have frequently reflect on that moment of pain. When I feel entitled and I want to uphold my own value of integrity, but feeling like a victim. When I receive a gift that I didn't want, I rejected that as I was in the moment of anger, and grief, unexpressed. I often reflect back and blame myself for doing certain things. But I wish I can forgive myself more than being rigid. Even today, I regret of hurting other's feeling and not recognizing that my action might have pushed others away. I was hurt, lonely, hungry, and sad.

When a normal human being was subjected to that feeling of hurt combined with loneliness, the sadness overwhelmed, and coupled with feeling of anger and helplessness, it is normal to be not at my best behavior. I now recognize that it is normal. I am a human. And I am more importantly, normal human being.

I want to be with people who can accept me for who I am. When I am normal, at my best, and when I am not at my best.

Visiting Lisa

I am in Seoul right now Thursday thru Monday (tomorrow).

I am glad having friends who cared about me, and send me some encouraging messages.
Glad about considerate friends who take care of each other when we travel, looking out, sharing discounts, talking about news, and a lot to learn from.
I am glad to be meeting Lisa, was worried about her, and wanting to make sure I can support her but don’t know how yet. Glad to see she is spending more time with her life, her health, and her happiness.

Reflection from my Work Fiscal Year 2019

In the last few days, I have just overcame a haze. I received a standard expectation for my level. I feel this was unjust and unfair. I think of the past year, where I devoted significant amount of work and energy and received average rewards.

I just off the conversation with my ex-manager. He pushed me out from my role and played important role in evaluating my reward even though he was my manager only from end February until end June. A couple of things that he mentioned that are opportunities to exceed:

1. Identify a big bet and drive them through
2. Connect with people around the world about best practices, and bring them to Asia
3. Opportunity to show impact
4. Be sensitive about people's expectation, and how it shows up. For people far away, them not being your advocate can hurt you.

People are people and they have expectations and style that are so different from who you are. I am saddened to think that style can hurt your chances and ability to succeed. My conclusion is that People is People.

20th Anniversary of Singapore-MIT Alliance

Yesterday I attended Singapore-MIT Alliance reunion which is also the 20th Anniversary of the program.
I had opportunities to share my experiences and shared about great friends, being in formative years of early adulthood, and learning to be leaders by pushing the boundaries.

I am grateful to be meeting old friends, spend time sharing my experiences, and for having the privilege to be part of SMA.

Practicing Gratitude

3 Things to be grateful for today:

• I got to spend a week with my nieces, Ashley is 7 and Beverly is 3 this year.
• I got a promo earlier than expected.
• I have nice conversation with people around me who supported me.
• Am entering weekend with free time.

3 Things to be Happy about

1. I defended myself from perceived slight, and feeling guilty afterwards. Meaning, I have conscience, and I am brave.
2. My brother and family are coming to visit and play in Singapore later this week.
3. I got the promotion that I wanted and fought for, this year, ahead of schedule.
4. I cooked two new dishes, Thai green curry and Transparent noodle salad for my family today.

Yay!

A new energy

I came back from holiday with family, recharged and happy. For the first time in my life, I feel blissful, at peace, and in the moment. Felt like the daily meditation helps me regain my sense of balance and contentment. I do not have extra things really, no new relationship, no happy encounter, just spend 2 weeks travelling with family and "in the moment".

I am not purposeful. I do not know where I am going, or if I am going somewhere. I suppose the small secret in life is to know there is no journey with a starting end and the ending point. Maybe life is a jumble of walks that go around and return to the original path. I don't know.

But I do know that I want to create. I want to give birth to new ideas, new facts, new being, something. It gives life meaning when we give.

When we travelled, we received the news about the passing of my cousin, Jensen. On the day of my birthday morning. I felt sad, sad for a life seems so short, that everything can happen and end in an instant. Of him, of his family, and of his parents. But also a sense of peace: he was in pain during the course of cancer, and in a way there is relief in the end.

It rolls a seed of thought, that human can strive, can fight, can will strongly. At the end of the day, there is fate and there is life. there is so many things outside of humane control.

I got a call yesterday, the first day of coming back to office. That is after another call, when I heard agitated sound and voices and feel I could not care more than it deserves. But that call I took it calmly and took it slowly. That call makes me realize a gratefulness of other people who doesn't seem to want some recognition, or doesn't demand it. Or maybe it is too early to think well and good and raise expectation again, I want to be kind and I want to think there is more kindness in this world.

3 grateful things today

1. Enjoying a bright blue sky day at Split, Croatia.
2. Meditating a realizing the reason why I hung on to relationship that is long over: because of my fierce loyalty and my fear of losing my “last hope” to have a family.
3. Opportunity to reflect on Ivan Maestrovic’s villa and museum at Meje, Split.
4. Loving the architecture of Old Town Split, the Diocletian Palace, Riva, the food at Konobs Hvarnin and Artichok, shopping at Green Market, museums, Nandroni Trg, bakeries and supermarkets. 
5. Explore freely the Klis Fortress, the view is fantastic and the only place where you can freely climb the walls, crumbling stone steps, the old church at the top, and the stone fortication that you can see the steep stone bluffs.

Fate

When I was young I had a mole at the corner of my eyes. Those naysayer said that means I shall often cry and live a fate in my life that leads to misery, tears, and hardship.


This morning I looked at myself a bit closer than I normally have... Probably closer than I had in the past 6 months due to life and work. I saw no mole on my eyelid anymore.


I wonder what those naysayer would say now.


I sometimes found myself believe in those signs. I sometimes found myself reading astronomy of the week column on magazine. I sometimes do that because it sometimes is comforting to grab those certainties to divine my day ahead amidst the life.


But today, I start to believe fate is in your hands. Grab everyday like it has the potential to make a better version of you. Grab it like a fresh new day, everyday. Everyday is a day of opportunities and potential, for what is going to happen today is decided today. Not before. Not by the column in newspaper. Not by the arrangement of the stars. Not by the mole that you are born with.

February reflections

It was Valentine's Day yesterday. I had a bout of melancholy deep at night. Remembering what I did last year. This year, the day started with pretty bad mood. I wonder if this has anything to do with the Valentine's Day. I started with 730am call after 6 hours of sleep. Physically tired from the streak of exercise due to February Heart month (those compelling Apple Watch badges!!!).

Why can't I forget? Why do I want to forget...? It is still bringing tears to my eyes and wrenching my heart. More because I miss the feeling and company. But do I love the person or do I love the persona my mind and heart has created for the person.

What should I do? How do I get rid of this pain? Should I get rid of this pain?