Appreciation of all good things

We can plan and reflect. I am overwhelmed by blessings and my good fortune. Sometimes when things feel uphill, sleep over it, and things look better in the morning.

My lucky feeling comes to this realization as I commenced my treatment for fertility preservation. Anxiously, I have been researching and been reading many articles to learn and research. Been monitoring  my cycle for close to a year now. While I was pining for my cycle to start so that I can the treatment underway, I came to realize that I have been so lucky. Lucky that all my blood test turned out to be well. I am at the top of my health. My ovarian reserve, measured by AMH, is in the good range. And my hormone test FSH, LH, E2, P4 has turned out well.

Things turned out to be positive : Having a supportive family, who came through with me thick and thin. Mom and Dad just came back from their China holiday when I notified them that I needed to apply for Australian visa to come to Sydney with me. They supported without hesitation (after a few questions- yes, understandable). They bear with me through my mood swing along with PMS as I waited anxiously for my cycle and fought work-related stress. Having such fabulous colleagues whom reminded me to stay strong, try to do the right things - which are not always easy, and gave me courage to listen to my heart and soul. Having close friends who celebrated my success and be with me to drink and celebrate hard work and grit.

I am very fortunate to have good people around me in my family, my extended family, and people who know me personally. By no means everyone is good... I deal with jealousy, immaturity, and personal attack all the time. But, I can only see upside when I stay focused on my own reaction and things that I can control. Thank God for that.

Heartpain and sadness

Only time will heal wounds. But why my heart still hopes. My heart sometimes replies and my head corrects. I should be relieved this happens and I can move on with my life.

Feeling and hurt comes after deepest care. But what is illusion and what's infatuation. My young heart still feels the sorrow of departure. My head however insists. Good bye. Good bye.

Poverty and Girls

One of my most profound memory when I was in Cambodia, was at a lunch. A lunch at a simple roadside stall near one of the temple in Angkor Wat complex. A little girl, probably around 8 years old, approached our table to sell various knickknack and souvenirs. We had no need of those, but the girl obviously had nothing else to do so she lingers near our table, circling and at times, playing around the bushes surrounding the stall.

I was curious that she does not attend school. It was past noon time, and a girl at productive age should be attending school. So mom felt sorry for the girl so she gifted her with a collection of pens and pencils that could help her rather than money that she would deposit back to her supplier. The girl was very delighted when receiving the gift. Such a simple and pure innocent look. She bounced around and ran away with her gift.

A while later, she reappeared with the pencils missing, and a bag of sugary drink appeared in her hand that she happily sipped. We were bewildered. Did she exchange her pencils with sugary drink? If so, is this not a poor decision for the small girl. Who protects her from those? Why would adults around her allow that to happen. Worse, how are adults around exploiting small children like these rather than providing children to education and items to promote their livelihood and improve the chance of life.

Twenties

What choices did you make in your twenties that most impact your life today?

At 22 I chose to pursue my Masters degree in Computer Science. That got me out of a small consultancy company, taught me the lesson of negotiation and unfairness in life, and got me some of the best friends in life. Most importantly it launched me on the path today.

At 27 I chose to be frank about my life's direction and chose to be vocal about my rights after working as contractors for 4 year's in capacity. I earned a lot of respect and admiration for standing up for myself.

Thoughout my twenties, I studied hard, worked hard, and spent very little. Avoided partying, clubbing, drugs, and time-wasting. I earned properties in Singapore and Jakarta by the time I was 30.

I studied Computer Engineering, Computer Science, Programming, Choir-singing, Japanese language throughout my twenties.

I learnt biking, swimming, driving, running, and scuba-diving in my twenties.

My learning #First Week

After receiving news about my manager's shocking departure, I am appointed as the acting lead. I am now officially 48 hours in the acting role. What have I learnt.

That people's trust can go as far as what they need. There is no blind trust in people.
At times of adversity, you learn who your true friends are.
People who matter do not make you cry. And people who make you cry do not matter.
It is important to understand your limit and not overextended yourself.

Pain, Memories, and Learnings

Loss and thought of loss can be as painful as loss experience itself. I want to remember as human's memory is such a fickle thing.

I like feeling I am growing around you.
I respect the way you look for feedback after presentations. Like when we are in F5 partners in Auckland and we presented the strategy for the new year.
I like the way our eyes meet when certain issues or appreciation come up in discussion unplannedly.
I like our mind is the same when I saw you raised issues and shrugged when I look over.
I feel appreciated when someone looked at me at the business class cabin on long flight.
I like the rides to see customers and music over rock playing on the car radio.
I am honored by the way you defended me when I did something silly at LT dinner in Hochiminh.
I am feeling protected when you scolded people with lower EQ over wardrobe dysfunction.
I am feeling sad when you are worried when I had allergic attack. And I felt silly and light-headed for wearing ninja facemask in front of your presentation to Japan LT.
I noticed the way you worry about my physical condition at Orlando LT dinner over jetlag.
I feel valued when you do not hesitate when I need to cut the trip short back to Singapore skipping Melbourne.
I appreciate being able to advice you to take better care of your self through more regular exercises.
I think the presentation at Business Central Bangkok resonated well and I told you when you finished presentation.
I admired that you feel my loneliness in India when I was not invited to team drinks at Gurgaon.
I feel the trip is more worthwhile when we have moments such as laughing racing through Changi terminal.
I am so touched when you looked me concernedly when I lost my laptop in Beijing flight.
Or when I lost my laptop in Malaysia after customer meeting in that Angry Bird room.
At the late night flight over from HK to Beijing you nudged apologetically over the call with Australia I feel touched.
Or when you gave me option to fly back when I was stuck in Narita for more than 24 hours after snowstorm, I feel relieved and supported.
Or when you encouraged me to be on video for China launch video recording when you were the star, I was secretly happy and embarrassed at the same time.
When we laugh about windshield googles in a car stuck in traffic in India.
I feel the need to ask and action when you prompted what I am saving for about my dream vacation in Hawaii and Botswana and Maldives.
You gave me opportunity to present at all Hands to elevate my presence.
Encouraged me to talk in front of partners meetings in Japan, Las Vegas, Taiwan.
When you shared that you feeling bad about being viewed older and I related to that as that's what I was feeling 10 years ago inside, and I want to assure you the focus is keeping yourself happy.
When you proudly showed your family especially the young one in his cuteness, I know as busy executive there are people who still keep family as important thing.
I appreciate the fun with colleagues like in Giraffe in Auckland amidst the soft light and late night calls.
I wanted to console when asking whether you are sure to skip the opportunity to meetup with your parents in Melbourne given the work schedule, oh what sacrifices.
Or at long and tiring day with partners, team, leadership, coaching experiences, from early morning to late night dinner with intense business discussions, parting at the lift to get a restful night.
When we planned for Bangkok offsite, the team was scattered and in beginning phase of healing and coming together again. At Ho Chi Minh, the team was coming together through rain-soaked adventure through LT huddle, Ho Chi Minh city, and Star Wars night.
I feel like a team when we won award together and I was speechless by people's recognition.
At Kuala Lumpur, team was expanded stronger, and we get together in team shirt and loud drumbeat. I am emboldened and humbled by our team's journey.
I feel so painful to hear your almost fatal experience at deepwater in Miami coast.
I hope you are able to stay true most of the time to your journey to wellness.
I appreciate also how hard you find it around people's discussion and part of me understood that very well and appreciate how relieved you are in some discussions when it turned out well for people.
I feel gratified that skeptic people are now starting to see lights of your brand of leadership in such a short time, and I am truly grateful to have been part of bringing that to reality.
I feel so proud when I meet people who were in events you presented and they told me how good you were.
And I have many more moments like this that my mind kept in.... perhaps.

Thank you for memories and for teaching me how to be more gracious and better personal leader.
I am sad as I so enjoyed working with you, boss, and I will miss times together create memorable moments like these, beyond the grind of tiring and demanding daily work. The last year has been one of my favorite year ever in my life and I want to feel positive that the best is yet to come (after I overcome my sense of bearing at this sense of true loss). We are both alive after all and expect will do very well in our respective career or life quest we set our mind to do, and for that is truly one gracious and meaningful fact of life's journey.

I have learnt to rely so much on your strength and that's because there are moments when I feel scared and not as strong as I appear to be, and those borrowed strength felt like a lifeline to me. I will do what I can to ensure I support you towards your next chapter of this career step that seems to make you happier and empowered and free. Including taking steps to take away the guilt of leaving the team behind and impact to the morale.

I wish you well. I wish you lots of blessings, joy, excitement to decorate your days. I wish you lots of strength, grace, and courage. Mostly I wish you happiness. Wish me the same.

Personal Growth

I am kept awake all night because of upheaval of emotion that is surging through my mind and heart right now. However, reflecting on my past year experience, it has been a year of tremendous professional and personal growth. Through pain, tears, and sweats I feel a bit burned out, and ready to take a break actually. But with the recent feeling, I feel the need to channel this energy and restlessness to something productive. This is an excellent article by Ben Casnocha, about the time he spent supporting Reid Hoffman as his Chief of Staff. I copied here for learning purposes but what an insightful article.

http://casnocha.com/reid-hoffman-lessons by Ben Casnocha