It's over

You can judge someone's worth by the way they treat other people who is of no use to them.

I am appointed acting leader to stand in the stead of my manager who was leaving the organization with very short notice. I had the greatest regard and affection to him, and I stepped up to lead the team mainly because of that. And mainly because I want to be taking care of the team.

He treated me well as his subordinate although he has his own agenda, and it took me a while. A long while, to really get over and accept the fact of his departure. This morning I woke up with clarity and with reason of why I can't forgive him yet, or accept the fact that I am blue and sad due to this reason. In the week of transitioning him out of the organization.

1. He insisted "I am going" when I was exploring whether he could delay his departure for a week as the week when he was out was the week I am to undergo my medical operations - and I was thinking about the team and transition.
2. He pushed back to my ask of one help to take care of my package which is the cause of my biggest dissatisfaction and even said I pushed him to the corner.
3. He went behind my back and offered no apology other than the lame excuse that he thought  he copied me in the email. I had to wake up at 4am and handled the crisis when I received the escalation from the President of Asia.
4. During the time when I went into business review call that I got pulled into, he went and met with the global head of customer success team without informing me.
5. When I tried to buy him farewell lunch, he said okay but then delayed that because he needed to run his own errand.

Despite of all of that, I worked with the team to prepare his farewell, said positive things in front and behind him, because I am who I am. I am not going to treat people and do disservice to my own integrity. But sometimes I wonder if I am being foolish or naive for still being loyal and steadfast. I guess I am because I want to take care of myself first and not let other people treat me less than who I am. When I ended our transition meeting early, and dismissed it at 2pm I tried to regain my dignity back. Felt a little guilt, but I needed to stand up for myself.

Happiness Project

I am inspired this morning by Gretchen Rubin's post 30 Tips I Use to Make Myself Happier, Right now.

My 30 Tips:

1. View the photos of my niece, Ashley and Beverley
2. Do 10 minutes mindfulness exercise
3. Go for a swim
4. Go for a walk by the Marina Bay
5. Open my financial planning and check my balances
6. Write my diary
7. Go to bed and sleep 10 hours, things always feel better in the morning
8. Go for a cardio - treadmill run, outdoor, body balance, or gentle yoga
9. Smell something good 
10. Eat delicious food with wonderful wine
11. Read some of my poetry collection that Edrina sent me
12. Go hiking
13. Make myself a hot caffeine-free tea
14. Allow myself time to do something totally useless like playing clicker game
15. Make plan for the future: plan a trip, plan a brunch with friend, checkout an investment
16. Reminisce about my happy moments, my area of refuge. When Handy got married. When mom and dad accompany me to Sydney for my surgery. When we took a family holiday to Maldives. When we saw the majestic Manta-ray. When I attended bizapp party in bright blue dress at Bellagio.

Acceptance

At some point, I look back at the fork of life while still facing the path forward. And lament. And want to change.


You can't force people to love you. That is a fact.
You can ask and demand, and face rejection. That is a fact.
You can be given things - all things possible - and that is not enough. That is a fact.
The final thing to do after realization is to accept. Realize what is within my control and what is not. And do what is in my control. That is a fact.
There is a sense of peace, serenity, tinged with a touch of sadness. So painful. So clear. So true.
Goodbye, love.

Learning about my language

Recently I felt a big loss. The loss of connection to one of my most cherished relationship in my life. The loss I felt was profound. But I had a task to overcome it so I have been focused to sort out that area of my life while knowingly ignoring my felling of coping with this loss, hoping time would heal.
Ever since I started, or I should say restarted my mindfulness exercise, I become aware of my present being. My feeling, my unconscious state of being. Those that sometimes stayed buried until moments of stress or anger uncover it as angry bursts of frustrations.

I don't know how people who appear to be emotionally stable cope with that. Why they can seemingly operate without emotion while dealing with so much stress in their life. Their high-stress position. Relationship with others. Relationship with spouse. Dealing with children. Etc. I suppose that's life is about.

Back to my life. After my procedure and while taking a break from work, so bereft of the two source of energy and focus in my life. I woke up these few days in state of sadness. Unbearable sadness. ... I realize perhaps the feeling of sadness and loss is still within me. Even though it's technically already over a month. Even though I tried to charge along. I alternative between getting rid of pain, or succumb to the feeling it and letting all my feelings go all out. Letting go. Making sure I acknowledge every single little feeling in my heart. My emotion richness.

I suppose that's healthy. I hope that's healthy. I alternatively uncover and reflect and remember. Remember the happy moments. Remember the sad moments. Remember what I am owed. Remember my indignant anger. remembering the sweet feeling when things go well. Remembering stuff. AS it trying to carve it into my memory. As it trying to let it all out and to start forgetting. Trying to count my apologies owed. Trying to count reason to move the next step forward.

I suppose what is the point of all of this. That is healthy as a start to try to seek apology. Or that apology i think is healthy for both party. If I don't get apology for the wrong, I can't begin to start forgiving. And the other party apologizes to start removing the guilt. IF that's what they feel at all. If he cares enough or even know how much hurt that stabs me deep inside. I don't know exactly why he did the way he did. Only that doing so robs me of my opportunities and position that I was entrusted to help him. And yet this is the treatment that I got. but there is no appreciation that I got only this treatment as if I am entrusted with opportunities. Which I do not ask for. So, why does this bother me so much. Because I care too much on how I am treated by the other party. No appreciation and being given opportunities. So that's where the disconnect is. maybe its the difference of me seeing the words of affirmation and acts of service rather than gifts.

Positive mindset

This morning at breakfast, I saw whatsapp messages that made me sad again. My team prepared farewell gift to Simon and there were postings about him receiving the gift and at display at his home.
I was disturbed throughout the day. Did not bother analyzing why but tried very hard to acknowledge the feeling and try to be detached by it. It is hard. Easier said than done. Took mom exploring Hyde Park after meeting chatty waiter from Indonesia at Sheraton breakfast. Went to explore ANZAC memorial and traverse along Park street to take photos at Australian museum and St Mary’s Cathedral. Then rushed back to hotel for a bio break and ended up at level 21 Club lounge. Post resting we tooknoff to Intercontinental Double Bay, a classy hotel at suburb. Crowds were gathering as we realize it’s the day of Melbourne Cup, the race that stops the nation. Cross Counter a dark horse won. We walked around neighbourhood and bought our lunch at Coles. Then checked in, after my shot at 5:07 we took off around 6:30 for a beach stroll at nearby sand strip. A beautiful and quiet stroll that took my mind away from sadness and melancoly. I know it is ok to have feelings. I know this is a move towards better. Just sometimes it is hard. Hard to have courage to change things that I can and ought to change. Serenity to accept things that I can’t change. And wisdom to know the difference.

What’s positive today:
Reading. Be wiser and be reminded.
That I have mom right by my side.
That nature, sun, sand and sea is so beautiful and everlasting.

Sydney

In Sydney today for the weekend. Weather is cool, chilly in fact if you are expecting a hot summer. Royal Botanical garden sprinkled with couples, families, tourists. Sydney Opera House still majestically simple. Opera bar full of people and sexy young ladies enjoying the sun and champagne. Circular Quay, just busy.

I am wondering around still in my haze. Haze of heartbrokeness and negotiation. Just enjoy the moment, I tell myself. I am lucky I am alive. Am lucky for this lucky break that this step happens. That this too shall pass. This feeling. Am lucky I am in Sydney today with my mom enjoying a beautiful Sunday in Sydney.