Valentine's Day

V-day is here with the "L" word arriving this year in the middle of novel coronavirus season, newly minted as COVID-19.

"I am good at synthesizing stuff. When the definition, though, of something that is different for every individual.... I got a bit tripped up. Like Love..."

Aggressive work problem

Tonight I just finished a critical conversation at work. With my new manager. 1 month in.

He opens the conversation saying that the mail I wrote was a waste of my time, and his time. The mail was very offensive to him. He repeated that must be more than 10 times in the 60 minutes conversation. He asked me to reflect on the mail. Again and again and again.

The problem was I wrote the mail very aggressively. I wrote what I feel, what triggered me. I wrote that maybe there is a trust issue. That (I assume) he is trying to make things "easy" for the team, meaning easy (to organize). He took offense with the word easy and that he is trying to control.

I think both he and I need a lesson in self awareness. And because he is the manager, I need to be the one taking a bigger pill. I feel I am entitled to my feeling. I am wrong to assume about trust. I am not wrong when it comes to control. His specific question was "Is this your trip or my trip?". I feel he is triggered in certain words. His command of language in Spanish is not very strong as well. He mentioned about his being 50 years old. So I think this has something to do with status. He started saying this will create a big problem and it will get worse, so it's better to resolve it early either by agreeing to work it out, or agree to depart. I agree with the sentiment.

I also realize about aggression. I want to read and study more about this. I am also insecure and I think had been heavily influenced by unresolved feeling over very poor experiences dealing with incoming leader. With a former manager who betrayed me. So I have issues with trust and insecurity. I am also overworking, not 100% in health, not resting well, working from home among the viral situation (Novel Coronavirus).

Meanwhile my manager is trying to drive many initiatives. He talks about energy many times. He is living on the suitcase. Driving everyone crazy. Trying to basically survive, like everyone else really.

So what have I learnt that I could grow from:

1. I have insecurity especially about trust, validation, and recognition
2. My blunt style can be seen as aggressive
3. I am entitled to feel and my feeling is valid
4. It is not great to act while emotional or where energy reserve is low
5. I need to learn more about dealing with problem less aggresively especially
6. I need to direct my attention to more positivity and 
7. My status as sole bread winner is something I care about deeply.
8. My assumption is not always right (of course) but there are possibly softer way of expressing them without disregarding my feeling.
9. I need to take care of myself first (rest, exercise, food) then care about quality of the work
10. I don't have to prove myself everyday
11. My manager is not always right. He also has his bias.
12. I can learn from this experience.
13. I do not regret asserting my feeling. Validate my feeling.
14. I do not mean to cause people to be upset or offensive. Validate my feeling.
15. I want to validate my feeling without being offensive. I cannot control people's reaction.
16. Email is a poor way to communicate. Not leave written trace of communication that people can catch you with.